“Yeah, Sephtis. That’s what I want.”
For the first time I had to admit… I was drowning, lost in emotions I couldn’t process.
I was fucked.
It kepton that way for the rest of the day, quiet interactions that seemed weighed down by the knowledge of what had happened last night. We weren’t saying anything about it, though I had the feeling Sephtis wanted to.
I honestly wasn’t sure anymore if it was pride or fear that made me hold my tongue. I just knew everything was trapped at the back of my throat, my emotions and confusion choking me.
Relief finally came a few hours later as the sun was setting and Sephtis stood.
“What are you doing?” I was surprised at the alarm in my voice when he started toward the door, at the fact that I’d stood without thinking.
“I need to go… do my job.” He hesitated on the words, his brows coming together like it was almost painful. “It won’t take long.”
“Sephtis…”
“I’ll be back before you feel me gone. You should try to rest.”
He was already out the door by the time I realized what he meant. He’d be back before my soul tried to leave my body in his absence. I’d had all day the last time, though I didn’t know if that’s how it would always work.
I just knew I felt some of the pressure in the air finally lift once the door closed behind him and I could let the careful facade I’d built up fall away. The mask I wore, the one I had on when I was out in public, slipped.
It cracked.
It shattered on the ground, and I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to pick it up again.
Heat prickled beneath my lids, and I knew if Sephtis came back now, I wouldn’t be able to pull myself together before he saw it. My blurry vision flicked from the doorway to the bedroom, and I stumbled forward. I felt like I was grieving all over again, as if everything that had happened from the day Caiden died until now had been slowly sliding into my lungs and silently drowning me.
And now…
Now that Sephtis wasn’t here, now that I wasn’t forcing myself to hold together so he wouldn’t see how weak I really was, I suddenly felt like I didn’t have the strength to be a whole person.
I half stumbled into his bedroom, but when I turned to close and lock the door…
I couldn’t.
Fuck, I didn’t think I could handle another night feeling so broken, another night facing all of that alone.
What kind of fucked-up bitch was Fate if this was how things were? The one person I wanted to leave me alone was apparently the only reason I could sleep at night.
Even though I stood there and tried to talk myself into at least closing the damn door, I couldn’t. I pushed it until it was almost shut and turned off all the lights. I heard the front door opening as I pulled off my jeans and slid beneath the sheets, while the silent tears I hadn’t been able to hold back slid along my jawline and into the pillow.
I didn’t know if I wanted him to come in. I didn’t know if I wanted him to stay away.
I just knew I didn’t have the strength to close him out tonight, even though I knew I should have. I knew if I let him in now…
If I let him in, there was no world where I’d ever be able to get him to leave me alone again.
Chapter 18
Sephtis
It wasn’t exactly a lie,telling Cole I was doing my job. As far as I was concerned, my job now was to take care of him… and part of that meant making sure I kept the hounds distracted and stole enough Vitality to sustain him. I hadn’t considered that stress and struggle would burn through it so quickly, but it made sense. What did mortals use Vitality for?
Functioning, apparently. Fueling high emotions. I could practically see it burning through him in waves… and by the time I finally decided to risk leaving him alone for a few minutes so I could solve the problem, he looked nearly dead on his feet.
I moved as quickly as I could, aware it wouldn’t be that hard to find a person who Cole would considerbad. Because of the Ardor, I could sense human intentions, and because ofwhatI was, I could tell when a mortallikedthe feeling of death. Just outside the city, I found a woman letting off evil in waves, who craved murder like water.
