Maybe this was the trick.
“Mmmmf, Phoenix?” My voice sounded hoarse, wrecked. Far away. “What are you…” He leaned in slowly, pressing his lips once in a soft, tender brush against the corner of my mouth, my jawline. Then he pulled back, leaving me suddenly adrift without the anchor of his touch. “Where are you going?”
The question came out slurred, but I couldn’t help it. My entire body was a mixture of hot and confused, frayed nerves and longing I couldn’t understand. I was drunk on his gentle touches and the pleasure he’d given me, and suddenly flayed open at the knowledge that I’d been aching forthisfor so long. Ben had never been soft or sweet—we’d fucked hard and fast. He’d never been rough, and he’d never been tender.
That was probably why I’d stayed with him for so long. He’d beensafe.
Phoenix was anything but safe—he was wildfire, ready to turn me to ash. He was longing and desire, everything I wanted.
Everything I’d missed since…
I couldn’t…
I…
“You look like you need to rest, Aubrey.” He stroked his knuckles against the side of my face and I felt myself instantly lean into the touch. His tone was sweet, just a little teasing—he knew rest was the last thing on my mind.
Was he going to make me ask? Beg?
“No, wait. I…” I swallowed hard. My throat was still aching from the way I’d screamed in the rain last night—physical proof that Phoenix wasn’tsafeat all.He was the last thing I needed.
What in the fuck was I doing? I should have let him leave the room.
My body was burning.
My head was spinning.
My chest was on fire.
Because suddenly, unexpectedly, all I could think of was Bishop. Bishop and the fact that there was nothing I could ever do to bring him back, no matter how much I wanted to. And he would have wanted me to be happy… to find peace in something.
In someone.
That someone had never been Ben. Though I’d tried to make myself whole around the shape of him, he’d just broken me more. He’d left that rift even bigger, like the world had been tearing me open for a monster to fill me up and finally help me learn to breathe again. A monster in the shape of a man—a hole in my soul perfectly sized for someone to slide inside and demand Ibreathe again.
Breathe.
I had to breathe so I could fill my lungs and gasp out one word as Phoenix started to pull away.
“Don’t.”
“Hmm?” He stopped instantly, and the slow curve of his lips made me wonder if this was a trick, after all. It didn’t feel like a trick. It felt like…
Aftercare. It felt like Phoenix was doing everything right to make sure I didn’t feel trauma from the roughness of the night before—he’d known that I needed that violence then, and it seemed like he knew what I needed now, even though I wasn’t willing to admit it.
Aftercare. The most saccharine and doting aftercare that anyone had ever given me.
“I…” I frowned and bit my lip, still trying to figure out the words to say, what it meant that his eyes focusing on me made my entire body flush. I turned my head into the pillow, closing my lids against the confusion warring inside me. “I don’t…”
I felt him move like a cool whisper, settling his broad body against me so I was blanketed with the heat of him, the weight and strength. Everything he had to offer, everything I realized I might die if I didn’t get to have.
He leaned in and licked the shell of my ear, whispering softly, “What do you want, Aubrey?” Warm lips traced my jawline and pressed a kiss to the corner of my mouth. “What do you need?”
God, he sounded like he wanted to break himself open and give meeverything.
I wasn’t sure how I found the strength to open my eyes and turn to look at him, because I knew he’d see it on myface. I was too raw right now. I couldn’t guard my expression—I couldn’t hold back. I couldn’t stop myself from seeing that the hole left in my chest, the one I’d been avoiding all along…
It was shaped to fit him. I was letting go now, just like he’d made me let go last night, and I hated him for it.
