His smile is soft, full of something that looks like hope.
For once, I let myself hope too.
Chapter 31
JAMIE
The practice facility has a different vibe at 6 AM. My footsteps echo in the empty halls as I arrive stupid-early, unable to sleep. My hands shake as I tape my stick and there are there are still two hours before our optional morning skate.
A memory flashes into my mind: early morning practices down in Florida. The way Nathan Leblanc's casual "Hey, queer" replaced his once-friendly greetings. And of course, the way the locker room would go silent when anyone made a crack like that. Even the guys who weren't outright snickering would somehow get very absorbed in inspecting their gear.
Not even the lingering warmth of Thanksgiving with my family, of watching Rylan slowly let his walls down with them, can quite chase away the cold dread of facing my old team today.
"Thought I might find you here." Louis's voice breaks through the memory. He drops his bag with a thud. "Couldn't sleep either?"
"That obvious?" My tape job's a mess again. I rip it off and start over.
"Nah." Louis starts his own methodical gear prep. "I still find it hard to sleep the night before big games. Even though I'm getting so long in the tooth now."
I snort. "Well, at least I won't have any illusions that it will get easier over the years."
The locker room door opens again, and Charlie bounces in, way too energetic for this hour, holding a cup of coffee in each hand. "Brought reinforcements!" He holds one out to me. "Though you look like you've already had about twelve."
The coffee's exactly how I like it. These little gestures still catch me off guard, my teammates paying attention to each other, actually giving a shit, and lending support when someone needs it. It's like being in Bizzaro World when compared to my first three years in the league.
"Hey." Rylan's voice cuts through my doom spiral. "You're thinking too loud."
Heat crawls up my neck. Because yeah, I'm thinking about my shit experience with the Jaguars, but I'm also thinking about last night. His heated whispers in the dark of my room, the way he looked on his knees in front of me… Fuuuck.Not the time, Pirelli. Not the time.
"I'm good," I manage. But he sees right through it, like always.
"Sure you are." His voice is a perfect mix of a team captain's authority, and and something softer that's just for me. "Let's get you out there. Ice time's the best cure I know of for overthinking shit."
He's right, of course, being on the ice does help. There's something about the clean scrape of skates, the familiar rhythm of drills. Coach keeps it light, but my linemates stick close.
"Alright, wrap it up!" Coach's whistle pierces the air. "Good work everyone."
I'm peeling off my practice jersey when Carson Wells appears in the doorway. "Pirelli. Got a minute?"
Rylan tenses beside me, but I try to reassure him with a smile. "Don't worry, I'm sure it's nothing."
But as I follow Carson out, I catch Rylan watching me, concern on his face. And fuck, that look seems to say he would take on my whole past if he could. And that might be more dangerous than anything the Jags throw at me.
Carson Wells' office is all clean lines and views of Elliott Bay, but there's something in his expressionthatmakes my throat tighten up when he gestures for me to take one of the chairs by the windows."How are you holding up?"
"I'm fine."The lie comes automatically."Ready to play tonight."
"Jamie."His use of my first name gets my attention."You don't have to be fine."He leans forward, his eyes boring into mine."I saw what was going on in Florida. And so did Coach Shaw. Your teammates let you down, big time, and the factthatmanagement looked the other way is almost worse."
My hands clench into fists."Maybe, but I handled it poorly,"I admit."I gave them exactly what they wanted. I turned into a distraction."
"You were barely twenty years old."Carson's voice cuts through my self-recrimination."And you were trying to deal with harassment from people who should have protected you. But you showed up every night and worked. You managed to put up points and tried to connect with teammates who didn't have your back."
"Not well enough,"I mutter, remembering the headlines.
"Well enough to catch my attention."There's something fierce in Carson's tone now.
I blink hard, surprised by the emotion in his voice.
