"Jamie..." My voice catches. "It's not fair to you. I don't want to hurt you."
"I can decide what's fair to me," he says firmly. "And if you don't want to hurt me, don't run away again." His words are barely a whisper. "Let me have this much of you, at least."
The raw honesty in his voice undoes me.Nick would've had the courage to be open about who he loved. He never let fear hold him back. But I'm not Nick, and Jamie Pirelli deserves better than a half-assed, secret, quasi-relationship.Still, when I press my forehead to his, I know I can't walk away. "Okay," I breathe...
"Yeah?" His smile is hopeful. It kills me.
"Yeah." I let myself trace the curve of his lips. "But only if you're sure. I couldn't stand it if you grew to resent me."
"I'm sure." He catches my hand, pressing a kiss to my palm. "We'll figure it out together. Right now let's just take it one day at a time."
JAMIE
I keep my expression carefully hopeful as Rylan settles back against me, but my mind is racing.What am I doing?This is exactly the kind of complicated situation I promised myself I'd avoid after Florida. The last thing I need is more rumors, more speculation, more potential for scandal.
But watching Rylan's walls start to come up again, seeing that panic in his eyes... I couldn't let him run. Not again. Not after seeing how fucking perfect he is when he finally lets himself feel. When he leans into what he truly wants. Leans into who he is.
"You're sure about this?" he asks again, his voice small in a way that makes my chest ache.
"Absolutely." It's the truth. I'm sure I want it. What I don't tell him is how terrified I am of falling deeper into this. I don't tell him I can already feel myself caring too much, wanting too much. That I'm afraid I already want so much more than Rylan will ever be able to give.
His fingers trace patterns on my chest, and I try, unsuccessfully, not to shiver. "It's just... you've worked so hard to be open about who you are. To be a role model. And I'm asking you to go backward..."
"Hey." I tilt his chin up, needing him to believe this. "You're not asking anything. This is my choice too. And after everything in Florida..." I swallow hard, remembering the nasty headlines and whispers. "Privacy sounds pretty good right now."
It's not a total lie. The thought of more media scrutiny turns my stomach. But the bigger truth, that I'm already half in love with him and willing to accept whatever he can give me, feels way too dangerous to say out loud.
"There's no pressure, okay? No expectations. Just this. Just us."
Some of the tension leaves his body and guilt twists in my gut. Because there are expectations, aren't there? Every time he gives me a glimpse of who he really is behind all of his armor, it makes me hope for more. Leads me to imagine a future where we don't have to hide, where I can hold his hand in public, where...
Stop it. That's not what this is.
"We should get some sleep," he murmurs, fitting himself closer to me. "Early practice tomorrow."
"Yeah." I wrap my arm around him, loving how perfectly his body fits with mine. How right this feels, even though I know it's probably going to break my heart.
Because the truth is, I'll take whatever pieces of himself he's willing to share. Even if it means hiding. Even if it means watching him maintain his careful distance in public. Even if it means lying to myself about secret hotel room hookups being enough.
But then Rylan makes this soft sound as he drifts off. He's so trusting and vulnerable like this, in a way he never is anywhereelse, and I know it's too late. I'm already so far gone for this man I'll take whatever he'll give me, and love it.
I press another kiss to his temple, breathing in the comfortable scent of his shampoo. I close my eyes and try to convince myself this won't end with my heart in pieces.
One day at a time, I think, echoing my earlier words to him.Just take it one day at a time.
Even if every day I fall a little harder for this man who may never be ready to catch me.
Chapter 28
JAMIE
The Boston Bears' rink smells like coffee and fresh ice at ass o'clock in the morning. I'm way too tired after being up half the night, but I still can't stop smiling as I gear up. That is until I catch Louis watching me with raised eyebrows.
Act normal. Just act normal.
But normal feels impossible when Rylan walks in, looking unfairly composed for someone who's working on about three hours of sleep. Images from last night flash through my mind: the way his hands gripped my hips, his mouth hot against my neck...
Fuck. Focus.
