We ride out the aftershocks together, our bodies still entwined, our breaths slowly returning to normal. And in that moment, everything feels right. Everything feels perfect.
Chapter 12
RYLAN
The first thing that registers is the warmth. Not just physical warmth, but bone-deep contentment. I let myself sink into the comfort, into the solid weight of the arm draped over me and the gentle breath ghosting across my neck. In this half-awake state, everything is right. I'm safe and warm in a little cocoon where nothing can touch me.
Then reality crashes in like a blindside hit.
Oh my god. Oh fuck. What have I done?
Every muscle in my body goes rigid as memories crash over me like a fucking tsunami. Jamie's hands on my skin. His mouth trailing fire down my chest. The way his whispered words made me feel wanted and cared for and safe. The way he looked at me like I'm something precious instead of something broken. The sounds he made when I—
No. Stop.
Nausea rises in my throat, bitter and sharp. My heart pounds against my ribs and cold sweat breaks out across my skin.
All my years of careful control, of keeping this part of myself locked away… all undone in one moment of weakness. BecauseJamie fucking Pirelli offered me some comfort. Because he listened to me. Because hesawme, the real me, for the first time since my brother died. And like an idiot, I let my walls crack, let myself believe, just for a second, that I could hand someone else a piece of this weight I’ve been dragging around for almost half my life.
Behind me, he shifts closer,sleepilytightening his arm around my waist and pulling me back into his chest. He nuzzles into the back of my neck and drops a soft kiss on my shoulder, which makes me shiver with the force of my desire.Fucking traitorous body. All I want to do is melt back into him, to pretend for one more minute that this is something I can have.
"Mmm."His voice is gravelly and satisfied."Good morning."
The way he says it is soft and intimate, like we're something real. Like last night was something more than a lapse in my control. It hits me like a body check, almost knocking the air out of me. This is worse than the biggest hit I've ever taken, because this pain isentirelymy own fault.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I pull away from himabruptly, ignoring how cold Isuddenlyfeel. Jamie makes a confused sound, propping himself up on one elbow. The sheet pools around his waist, and I force my eyes away from all that golden skin. From the marks I left there last night when I forgot myself.
"This was a mistake."The words burn like acid on my tongue."A huge mistake."
Jamie sits upfully, all traces of sleep gone from his face, replaced by understanding. Like he expected this. Like he knew I'd break this thing between us before it could even start."Hey, let's talk about this—"
'There's nothing to talk about." I start grabbing my clothes from the floor, my craving for order warring with my desperateneed to escape. My hands are shaking sobadlyI almost drop the shirt I just picked up. "This cannot happen again. Ever."
"Rylan. Don't do this."His voice is so gentle it hurts."Please don't shut down on me. Last night was—"
"Stop," I cut him off.
Ican'ttalk about it. I can't talk about how I let myself believe, just for a moment, that I could have this. I can't let myself remember how good it felt when he touched me like I'm someone who's perfect and whole and desirable instead of the broken shell I am. I can't let myself remember how right it felt tofinallygive in to this desire that's lived inside me for as long as I can remember.
"This wastotallyinappropriate! I'm—fuck! I'm, I've never—"
In an instant, he's out of bed, coming toward me, and,instinctively, I jump back. The hurt that flashes across his face makes me hate myself even more.
"This isn't who I am,"I say, the lie bitter on my tongue."No one can know about this. It was just—I was confused. Upset after talking to my father. It was a… a moment of weakness."
"A moment of weakness?"His words drip with bitterness."Is that what you call it when someoneseesyou? The real you? When you let yourselffeelsomething instead of beingcompletelyin control every fucking second like some kind of robot?"
"Stop." My voice cracks. "Please.."
"Why? Because I'm right?"He runs a hand through his sleep-mussed curls, his muscles tight with frustration."Because you're scared of how right last night was?"
I don't answer, disappearing into the bathroom instead, clutching my clothes to my chest like armor.
Ibarelyrecognize the man in the mirror looking back at me—my lips still swollen and marks blooming across my neck and collarbone like a map of everywhere he touched me.
I trace a vivid mark above my collarbone with my fingertips, rememberingexactlyhow it got there—Jamie's mouth hot against my skin, whispering sweet, filthy words while I gasped his name. I press into it, savoring the dull ache, before yanking my hand away like I just touched a hot stove.
