When I have trouble finishing my thought, she does it for me. “Oh, Martin. You’ve fallen in love with him, oui?”
“I… I think so. Yes. I have.” The realization hits me in the chest. All of my fretting and worrying is far too late. I’ve already done what I promised myself I would never do. I’ve fallen in love with Jesse Greenwood.
“But why are you so upset, mon cher? Isn’t this a good thing?” Her voice is gentle, and I close my eyes, trying to hold back the tears threatening to spill over.
“I’m so fucking scared I might lose him, Celeste. It's driving me mad. I—he had dinner with his ex-husband tonight. It's late, and I haven’t heard from him yet, and all I can think of is that maybe they're going to get back together. I’m just stuck here in his house, waiting for him—waiting for the axe to drop, and I can’t take it. I’ve already packed a bag. I need to leave because I can’t—”
“Martin, stop,” she says firmly. “You’re spiraling, darling. You need to slow down a moment. Take some breaths together with me. ”
I hear her take in a deep breath and I do as she asks, mimicking her as she guides me through a few more inhales and exhales until my heart isn't pounding quite so wildly.
After I’ve managed to calm down some, I'm able to tell her what I'm feeling without sounding like I need to be carted off to an institution.
When I've finished my sad little story, she's quiet for a moment.
“Tell me something, cheri. Has Jesse given you any reason to believe he still has feelings for this man who betrayed him?”
I pause. “No, he hasn’t,” I admit. “But he’s such a kind person, he’s so forgiving. He always wants to believe the best of people, Celeste, even the worst people.”
I can hear the smile in her voice. “Martin. Do you think there’s a chance you are not giving this man enough credit? What is that old saying, ‘Do not mistake my kindness for weakness’? Just because he might forgive his ex-husband does not mean he wants to reconcile.”
I suck in a deep breath through my nose and blow it out through my mouth, trying to stave off the panic again. I know she’s right, but it doesn’t stop my fear. “I just can't stop my mind from worrying that he's going to come back and tell me it's over between us. And the most ridiculous thing is, we haven't even defined what we are to each other! But, god, Celeste, I… I really love him. I haven't even told him, but I can't deny it."
To my shock, Celeste lets out a small laugh. It's a bit watery-sounding, and then she sniffles.
My stomach tightens. "Are you… Celeste, are you crying?"
She laughs again and the tinkling, joyful sound is much more like her. "Only a little, my dear, Martin. It's just that I'm so happy for you. I have been waiting so long to hear you say those words. To know that you're finally,finallyready to open your heart again."
What? Hasn't she been hearing me?"But… I just… I don’t think I can survive losing someone I love again. I’m not strong enough. I… I can't do it…”
“Oh, Martin,” she sighs. “You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I understand your fears—that’s natural. But I think you’ve protected yourselftoowell. For all these years you’ve avoided getting hurt, yes, but you’ve also avoided any real happiness.” She pauses. “And, mon trésor,Richard would be devastated if he knew.”
Her words hit me like a gut punch. I know she’s right. Richard would be horrified if he knew about all the years I’ve spent alone, carefully avoiding any kind of meaningful attachment.
"You have so much love inside you, Martin. And you've buried it for much too long. Please, darling, please don't hide it again. You're a man who is built to love and be loved. That sounds silly, and—what's the word in English—corny? But even so, I believe it is true. You are a loving person. You need to share that love."
I'm stunned at her words. Celeste and I have always been close, but we've never had this kind of no-holds-barred conversation.
“Give your Jesse a chance," she continues. "You must stop fear from stealing any more of your life. You can still be afraid, but you need to be brave. It’s been too many years already of letting it control your life.”
I sit with that for a moment. “I don’t know. I just… I don’t know. Maybe I can try.”
“Iknow," she says, her voice firm with confidence I don't share. "I know you can. Now, promise me you’ll wait and talk to him. Don’t run.”
I take another deep breath.Fucking hell.I don't know what I expected to hear from her, but it certainly wasn't this. I nod, more for myself, since she can’t see me. “Okay. I'll try. I promise.”
“Good,” she says, and I can hear the smile in her voice. “And Martin?”
“Yes?”
“Call me again soon. I want to hear all about this Jesse of yours.”
“I will. Thank you, Celeste. I… thank you for everything.”
"I love you, my sweet Martin. After all these years, it's time to let yourself live again. Richard would be so proud of you."
My eyes fill with tears as I end the call, and I sit on the edge of the bed for a long time, trying to sort through my feelings, while my packed suitcase sits on the bed beside me.
