Martin raises an eyebrow. “Maybe more than friends, even. Could be that he’s just like the little boy yanking on your pigtails.”
I scoff. “What, you mean, like, he has a crush on me or something?”
When Martin nods, I let out a laugh. “Yeah, no. I don’t think that’s the case. Hunter is this incredibly ambitious, driven, brilliant guy. Smart as hell, and he’s super serious. I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m nothing but a ridiculous flake.” I shrug again, looking down at my desk as I set up my laptop, conveniently not meeting Martin’s kind but knowing eyes. “Technically, he’s not wrong. There’s no way he would ever be interested in someone like me.”
Martin narrows his eyes. “Penn, it doesn't sit well with me when I hear you talk down about yourself that way. Don’t sell yourself short, lad. You’d be a catch for anyone, don’t doubt that for a second. I know you've had a rough go with a man recently, but don’t let that taint how see yourself.”
I flick my eyes up to meet Martin’s briefly before looking down again as I mess around with setting up my desk. “That’s sweet, Martin. Thanks.”
“Penn, can I ask you something?” he says a few minutes later.
“Sure.”
“Why don't you want to tell your friends about The Open Door? You’re doing a good thing here—you should be proud of it. Not to mention the fact that you’ll be wanting their support when things get difficult.”
I blow out a long breath. “Yeah, I don’t really have a great answer for that question.” I pause for a moment before continuing. “I have an unfortunate habit of jumping into big things without looking before I leap: big projects, major life changes and career ideas, those kinds of things. I make all these big plans, I get hyperfocused on them for a while, but then Ilose interest and don’t follow through. My friends have seen it happen so many times, and the thought of The Open Door being another one of those things I start but never finish makes me feel like puking. I feel like I’d never be able to face them again.”
He nods thoughtfully. “What's the story behind you reaching out to me in the first place? I know you saw the documentary on Richard and me, but what was the spark that made you decide to get in touch and kickstart this dream of yours?”
I blow out a long breath. I spent most of the weekend stewing about whether or not bringing Hunter on this trip is the best idea, not that there’s anything I can do about it now, anyway. But maybe talking out some of my massive anxiety around this project and my insecurities about my friends will help clear my head.
“I’ve had the feeling for months now that all my friends are moving forward with their lives, while I’m just stuck in place. They’ve got great jobs, and they’re all growing as people. I mean, shit, my friend Kelly has been going through a gender transition at the same time as they’ve been building an amazing career! Hunter and Serah are both managers at an incredible company they love. Cooper started his own company with a few people he knows, and Logan is this tech-industry prodigy who just keeps moving back and forth between all the tech giants, getting huge promotions every time.” I shake my head, the familiar feeling of shame washing over me as I think about my highly accomplished friends. “Meanwhile, I’m still the same kid they went to college with. I haven’t even held a steady job since we graduated. And it’s been almost a decade.” I scoff and run a hand through my hair.
Martin doesn’t say anything, just directs his neutral gaze my way as he takes a sip from his tea.
“Anyway, I just feel like I’m getting left in the dust. I haven’t been able to sort out my shit enough to get either a career or arelationship on track. I feel like we’re growing apart, and since I’m not exactly close with my family, theyaremy family. They’re all I really have, and I don't like thinking that they might not have much respect for me. When I first got this idea, I think I was just kind of flailing around, trying to find a way to feel like I was actually doing something. Something to make me feel like I'm in the same league as they are. Like I actually deserve to hang around with them."
Martin cocks his head. “I can see where you're coming from, though you know if they're real friends, none of that should matter to them. But I get why you might be feeling that way. But is that still the main drive behind you wanting to build The Open Door? Or have your reasons shifted now that you've got a better grasp on the mountain of work ahead?"
I take a moment to think about it before replying. "That motivation is still there, for sure. But there are other reasons I want to do it now. I mean, I’ve stopped spending so much time daydreaming about what it’ll be like when it’s finished and how good it will feel to catch up and feel like I'm in the same league as my friends. But now I think more about the kids we’ll be able to help. Maybe even the lives the shelter will be able to save. I think about getting to know them and making a real difference in their lives. It sounds kind of dumb, but I have these dreams of being, like, a role model to some of the kids. I mean, I still want to be able to keep up with my friends, for sure, but now I have more reasons than just that."
Martin nods. “It’s good to see you’re finding other reasons giving you the push to tackle the shelter project. But mind yourself now—you need to take a bit of time to really think on why you’re wanting to dive into this. I’m saying that because we’ve a long way to go, and mark my words, there will be hurdles along the way. It’s always the case. Every time I’ve done this, there were points where I thought we’d never get throughit. It takes incredible hard work and drive from every person involved, and you need to be crystal clear on why you're doing it, because you’ll be needing that clarity when the going gets tough.”
I nod slowly, the familiar heat of insecurity coloring my cheeks red.Fuck. Does Martin think I can’t do this?
He must sense my embarrassment because he puts up a hand in a “stop” gesture. “Now, Penn, mind you don’t go taking that advice the wrong way. I know you’re more than capable of getting this thing done. I wouldn’t have come here to work with you if I didn’t believe that much. My point is you’ve got to believe in yourself just as strongly as I do. That doesn’t mean thinking it’s all going to be easy, it just means you know you’ll keep working until it’s done. Wanting to impress your friends isn’t a bad reason to start, but for something like this, you need to be thinking about all the other reasons you’re at it. If your pal, Hunter doesn’t think you’re capable of something this big, maybe this trip is your chance to show him he’s wrong. My guess is that if you can convince him, you’ll convince yourself at the same time."
Chapter four
Hunter
The rich, earthy smell of strong, dark roast hits my nose as I walk into Code Craft Coffee, the cozy little shop a few blocks from the Rainy Day Games office. There’s a decent coffee shop right in our building, but I wanted privacy today because I really need to talk to Serah about shit I don’t want my coworkers overhearing.
Serah and I both got hired at Rainy Day right after college. She started as an HR intern, and she’s now worked her way up to a senior manager. Meanwhile, I started as a junior software engineer, but over the past few years, I’ve started taking on more management and leadership-type duties. I still love coding, but to my great surprise, I also love working with others to help them accomplish things they don’t think they can. And being able to guide people into areas of programming and game development that fit their personalities is super rewarding. Turns out I have a real thing for helping others be successful.
Stepping up to the counter, I order a latte for me and the frozen, sugary concoction Serah requested before making myselfcomfortable at a table in the corner. Serah, similar to Penn, often runs a little late for everything.
Of all our friends, I’m closer to Serah than anyone else. She knows more about me than any of the others. In fact, she probably knows more about me than anyone else in the world since my grandparents passed away a few years ago.
I’ve mostly come to terms with the fact that I’m basically a loner in this world, but it’s not something I like to spend a lot of time thinking about. I have no living family other than an aunt and uncle overseas, but I only speak to them on holidays. I don’t have siblings, but I’d like to think that if I had a sister, our relationship would be similar to what I have with Serah. She’s not afraid to let me know exactly how she sees things and doesn’t let me get away with being controlling and bossy, which is my go-to instinct, especially if I’m feeling anxious.
I need Serah to ground me right now because after I agreed to go with Penn on this cruise, I spent the rest of the weekend stressing about how the hell I’m going to spend a week trapped in a tiny little cabin with him. My anxiety has skyrocketed, and I need her to talk me off the ledge, otherwise I might as well just cancel the whole damn thing.
“Hey, Boo!” She appears beside me, pulling me out of my head when she leans in to plant a kiss on my cheek.
“Hey, Ser.”
She snags her drink, which is essentially a coffee-flavored Slurpee, and takes a big gulp, closing her eyes for a moment in delight. “God, thank you for the 3:00 p.m. sugar rush. I don’t think I could get through the days without one.” She settles into her chair and then gets right to business. “So, what’s up, buttercup? Not that I need a reason to coffee with you, of course, but you got me curious. Plus, we need to discuss your upcoming vacation!” Her blue eyes twinkle.
