“What happened, Dad? Why did you do it? You weren’t a dirty player, I know that.”
He shakes his head. “For what it’s worth, it was supposed to be payback for a hit Bob laid on one of our stars in a game a few weeks earlier. Steve Youngston. It wasn’t a dirty hit, but it was hard, and it took one of our top scorers out of the lineup for several weeks while he healed up. And you know what it was like in those days. Coach decided there would be payback, one way or another. But that game was one of those nights. We were getting our asses handed to us.” He shakes his head, his eyes looking into space as if he’s seeing the game even now. “We were down four goals, and it was nearing the end of the third period, so we had no hope of catching up. I was angry. Angry at losing, angry at Bob for taking out Steve and fucking up our chances at the playoffs, and honestly, I was an angry young man in those days. How fucking stupid, right?” He grimaces. “I had everything a man could want. I had a beautiful family, a wonderful wife, more money than I could have ever dreamed of… I had no reason to be angry, but I still was back then.” He clears his throat and takes a sip of water before continuing.
“Anyway, there were only a few minutes left in the third, and the coach told me to go for it. And I did. They put me on the ice, and I fucking went for Bob. The crowd was anticipating it; it had been brewing for the whole game. I mean, it had been brewing since that hit on Youngston a few weeks earlier, but I came at Bob from behind with a vicious cross-check. He went down and never got back up. It was sickening, Aleks. I don’t know if you’ve watched the footage, but it’s fucking shameful. I’ll never, ever forgive myself for it.”
He takes a shaky breath. “And your next question is probably going to be why didn’t I reach out to him, right? Why didn’t I apologize in person? At least show him some respect, after I had disrespected him as another human being so disgracefully?”
I nod, chewing on my lip, because of course, that was exactly what my next question was going to be.
“The truth is, I followed advice from my shitty lawyers and the league lawyers. I knew it was wrong—fuck, I actually wanted to go to the hospital that night, but they talked me out of it. And I let them talk me out of it, and I kept letting them talk me out of reaching out to him because I knew. Aleks, I knew I’d fucked him up badly. I knew it the second it happened. And I wanted them to talk me out of trying to apologize to him. Because I knew I’d done wrong, and I was completely fucking terrified. I thought I might go to jail. I thought I might be banned from the league… But that doesn’t matter. I still should have reached out, and I’m sorry I never did.”
He sighs. “It’s the worst, most shameful thing I’ve done in my life, Aleks. And it breaks my fuckin’ heart that my shitty behavior is still having terrible consequences even this many years later.”
“Dad…” I’m stunned. This is not how I thought this conversation was going to go.
“Anyway. This shit… this… evidence… linking brain damage and hockey has been coming out for years. And I’ve spent all that time trying so hard not to think about it because I haven’t been able to face the possibility of…” His voice cracks. “The possibility that I might be responsible for doing that kind of damage to guys. We used to fight because it was our job. I know you get that, but these guys, Aleks, these aremy people.What if it turns out that the reason these men are suffering now is because ofme, because of the way I beat the shit out of them so many goddamn times?” He blows out a breath, and my heart breaks for my dad. I never knew he had feelings this deep, not about anything. But he keeps talking.
“I never once pulled a punch, never held back. Never once. And they gave me awards for it. I got awards for the most knockouts, the hardest hit, all that kind of crap.” He lets out a choked noise that’s somewhere between a hysterical laugh and a sob. “And the most messed-up thing is I don’t have it. I don’t have the headaches, the memory problems or flashbacks they talk about. I’m fucking fine, yet all these guys are losing their minds? I can’t…”
I sit stunned as my father chokes back another sob. I don’t know what to say.
He sits back down in the chair across from me and sucks in a deep breath, trying to control his emotions. “When you told me you were going to be working on this project, I sort of panicked. I didn’t want you to know how much damage I’ve done in this world. How many people I hurt and how many lives I destroyed. And fuck, when Ben Jacobs told me his stepdad is Bob Prescott—” He swallows. “—I think I knew it was all over right then.” He shakes his head. “I still can’t stand the thought that you might be ashamed of me.”
“But Dad,” I say gently. “Even if I never found out about that hit, Brad and Mike play. They must know about it, right? And Chrissy too?”
“Your brothers and sister… I’m sure they know. We’ve never talked about it.” He gets up from the table again, pacing back and forth like some kind of trapped animal while twisting his wedding band around his finger. “But they’re just… They’re more like me. Even if they do know about it, they’d never think of coming to me demanding answers, asking me to explain why I did what I did to Bob Prescott. You’re different, Aleks, you always have been. You’re so much more sophisticated, so much smarter than any of us. My god, son, I knew you were the smartest person in this family by the time you were out of diapers. And when you stopped playing hockey, it was like the last thing we had in common disappeared. Even though you were only a kid, I knew I’d never be able to keep up with you. You’re fucking brilliant and determined, and you’re such a good man, Aleks. I’ve always known that if you knew about what I did to Bob Prescott, you’d ask questions.” He smiles wryly. “And I never wanted to have to answer them.”
Looking at him in the dim light, my father looks way older than his fifty-nine years. He looks like a small old man regretting his life choices, and my heart breaks a little more for him.
“Dad, back in those days, no one knew how much damage you all were doing to each other. It was a different time. Plus, you weren’t the only guy in the league to dish out big hits and hard punches. You can’t seriously be trying to shoulder all this blame yourself.”
He shakes his head. “I know, but it doesn’t excuse what I did. I had an awful lot of rage, and I took it out on those guys every night. It was so much easier to do that than to face all my personal issues.”
I’ve never seen my dad show one sign of weakness, ever, in my whole life. I never once suspected his hard exterior concealed so much guilt. The great and fearsome Kent Warren has a soft underbelly? Even his own son would never have guessed.
“Dad, you can’t carry all this guilt. It’s like what you were saying – you were doing your job – getting paid to kick guys’ asses.”
He gives me a sad smile. “It’s okay, Aleks. I’m sorry I’ve laid all of this on you, and I’m so sorry for trying to screw up your project. I’ll do my best to make things right.” He pauses, scraping his hand through his hair. “And, I hope you believe me, but I truly didn’t know you were seeing the doctor. I… I’m sorry I fucked that up for you too.”
I let out a sigh. “Yeah. I mean, that’s not… There are other reasons Ben and I can’t be together. But I’m glad I finally know where you’re coming from on this CTE denial. But Dad, I think you should talk with someone; you shouldn’t be carrying all the guilt on your own. That’s not fair. You had an amazing career, and you should be proud of it. The world is just different now.”
We both stand, and I give my dad a hug, a real one, not some half-assed bro-hug. It’s something we haven’t done in forever, and he holds me tightly for a moment.
“Aleks, I’mso fuckingproud of you, son. I know I don’t show it the right way, but please don’t ever doubt that. I love you so much.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. “Thanks, Dad. I appreciate you saying that. I love you too. But I, um, I should go.”
We say goodbye, and I’m still reeling from the conversation as I drive home. I went there expecting a huge confrontation, and instead, I got to see a side of my father I never knew existed. And while I’m glad I know what happened now, I still have no idea if there’s anything I can do to make things right with Ben.
Chapter 23
BEN
Christ,it’sbeenalong few days, but tonight is the night Ben’s helmets are going to be worn during real gameplay. And the worst part of it is that Ben isn’t even here to see it, although maybe that’s a good thing for me. I’m not sure I’d be able to keep my shit together if he was here. Instead, two of the guys from his team are here to make sure everything goes smoothly.
He texted me yesterday to say he was in Boston to discuss his new job. He apologized for not being at the game, said he knew I would do an amazing job and to contact him with any questions. Then he started a new text thread including the two guys from his team who are taking over this part of the project, and that was the end of our communication. It was kind of formal and stilted, and I know he’s struggling, the same as I am. I know I didn’t imagine our connection. But he’s made his decision, and it’s probably for the best. I mean, my dream career is here in Seattle, and his is in Boston. Both are demanding careers that would make it hard to balance any kind of relationship, let alone a long-distance one. And that’s not even counting all the shit between his dad and mine. Fuck, maybe if I just keep repeating all the reasons it can’t possibly work out, I’ll start to feel better about it. I mean, it’s definitely the responsible thing to do. I just fucking wish things were different. I know it’s only been a few days, but the ache in my chest still feels like a gaping wound, and I don’t know if I’m ever going to feel whole again.
Josie says I just need to be patient; she thinks there’s more to our story. She did a tarot reading for me yesterday and came up with some woo-woo prediction that I was going to be experiencing enormous changes in all areas of my life very soon. As much as I’d like some hope to cling to, I know that’s all just wishful thinking.
