A few minutes later, we’re sitting in front of a lovely roaring fire. It radiates a comforting glow as the flames reach for the soft purple-gray sky above us. Warmth wraps around me like a cozy blanket, making me notice the cool, firm sand I’m sitting on.
“This is awesome,” I say as he repositions one of the logs “to make sure we get the best kind of coals for roasting,” whatever that means.
“Thanks,” he says, a proud little grin playing on his lips. “It was usually my dad or sometimes my uncle Bob, Mason’s dad, who was in charge of fire duties, so I feel like I’ve just gone through a sacred rite of passage,” he chortles. “Now we just need to wait a little, then we can start roasting the dogs.”
He rummages around in his big backpack for a minute and pulls out a couple of warm-looking blankets. He spreads one on the ground to keep our butts off the cold sand, and when I scooch onto it, he drapes the second one over my legs. Between the heat from the fire, the lingering warmth of the setting sun, and my fond memory of my childhood, I’m feeling as content as I ever do.
The next thing to come out of Sam’s magical backpack is a six-pack of beer, and he hands me one. It’s only the second time we’ve had alcohol since we’ve been here. Neither one of us are big drinkers, it turns out. I don’t know if it’s the atmosphere and all the fresh air or the good feelings I have floating around inside my chest right now, but the beer feels fantastic going down, and I grab another as soon as the first one is gone.
The conversation between us flows easily as we watch the fire. I feel like there’s nothing I couldn’t say to Sam, and I wish I’d allowed myself to get to know him sooner.
“Do you think you’ll stay around Hot Dam Homes for a long time?” I ask him out of the blue. I don’t really know where the question came from, but I’m curious about him. I want to know his dreams and his goals and what drives him. I want to know what makes him happy and what hurts him and his biggest fears. I’ve never found myself ever wanting to really know those things about another person, but Sam is different in a lot of ways.
He gives me a thoughtful look. “I assumed I’d stay for a long time,” he says, letting out a breath and looking down at his beer bottle. “But… Can you keep a secret?” he asks.
“Sure, of course,” I say.
He sighs. “Things have been different for a while now. I don’t know if it’s because Mason’s gone full partner with Dylan or some other reason, or maybe it’s just me and it’s all in my head. But it doesn’t feel the same as it used to.” He pauses to take a swig of his beer and continues.
“I have an opportunity to move down to Southern California. No one knows about it. A friend from school started a company down there, and he wants me to buy in and help him run it.” Sam pauses and takes another drink before sighing heavily. “I never, ever thought I’d leave the PNW, but I don’t know. I feel like it might be time for me to shake up my life in some way.”
A stab of uncertainty slices through my gut at his words. He’s thinking about leaving? Not only leaving Hot Dam Homes but leaving Seattle altogether? I know how close their family is, and I can only imagine how devastated everyone will be if he leaves.
He must sense my unease, and he waves a hand dismissively. “It’s nothing for you to be worried about though. I told Shane that if I say yes, I’ll stay here to finish this job. It’s just that… I don’t know the right thing to do. I’m pretty sure it’s my own crap making me feel weird, and I don’t know if taking another job and moving will make things better or if it’s just running away, you know?”
“What do you mean by ‘your own crap’?” I ask.
Sam blows out a heavy breath before draining the last of his beer and reaching for another. “It’s nothing Mason or Dylan or anyone else is doing. I think I’ve been trying to avoid admitting to myself that the stuff that’s bothering me is coming from inside, not outside.”
I give him a questioning look, and he shrugs uncomfortably.
“I’m kind of insecure, and when I saw Mason stepping up and growing in his career, I felt… inadequate. Like I’m not enough. I’m ordinary and boring, and I’ll never be a real success at anything. But all those are my hang-ups, based on my long list of failed relationships and my never-ending search for ‘the one’ that never works out.” He pauses, nervously peeling the label off his beer bottle. “None of this is based on anything Mason or Dylan did or said. It’s not even really coming from anything work related. I just feel like I’m not good enough sometimes… not for a relationship that lasts, not for a career, not for anything important to me. I don’t know if moving away will make things better or worse for my insecure little pea-brain.” He shakes his head and turns to rummage around in the cooler. “But you don’t want to hear about my messed-up midlife-crisis bullshit. Let’s roast some dogs.”
CHAPTER 18
SAM
Smooth change of subject, Sam.I roll my eyes internally as I busy myself getting Tyler set up with a hot dog on a stick. Once I’ve shown him the best way to hold his wiener so it cooks perfectly—and yes, all puns are welcome—I get my own organized, angling myself so I can lean back against the log as I hold my arm out over the fire.
“My ex-girlfriend really messed with my head,” I blurt out, and Tyler jerks his head up as I jump right back into the conversation I cut off abruptly a few minutes ago. He cocks an eyebrow at me.
“Jessica?” he asks, and I nod. “I only met her a few times when she visited you at work, but she always seemed nice.”
“She was—is—nice. She wasn’t trying to hurt me when we broke up. She was just… brutally honest, I guess.”
“What do you mean?”
I blow out a breath, pushing the air out of my lungs while I stare into the fire.
“We were together for over a year. I really liked her. I thought I loved her, but I’m not as sure about that anymore. Anyway, we got to that place in the relationship where we either needed to take the next step or break up. I wanted to take the next step, and she wanted to break up.”
“I’m sorry, Sam. That probably felt like shit.”
“Yeah, it really did. This is a little humiliating, but I’d even made plans to go ring shopping. Mason was going to come with me.” I shake my head ruefully. “She beat me to the punch, though, and dumped me before I could ask her. Which I guess is a good thing.”
Tyler’s eyes widen, and he gives me a sympathetic smile. “Shit. But yeah, I guess that would have been worse.”
I sigh. “She told me I wasn’t finding the right person because I was trying too hard to be someone I’m not. She said she couldn’t love me because I wasn’t okay with myself. That deep down, I’m not happy with who I am, and it’s a major turnoff.”
