Working together seems to have eased the awkward tension, and it’s still early evening. “Another bottle?” I suggest. “They’ve got Netflix, so we could watch a movie.”
Case hesitates, glancing at his watch like he needs to run off somewhere, but then he looks out the window and lets out a laugh. The snow is still coming down heavily and the wind continues to buffet the house so hard the windows occasionally shake from the force of it. “Well, it doesn’t look like I’m going anywhere for a while, so let’s go for it!”
Chapter 10
CASE
Mattopensasecondbottle of red wine, and we head into the living room, where I settle into a comfy, oversized chair in front of the big stone fireplace. Matt throws another log onto the fire before getting himself settled in the cozy chair across from mine.
I feel bad about accidentally bringing up Matt’s mom. It sounds like he’s not close to his father, and he seemed a little lonely. But I’m no stranger to the grieving someone you love. It’s been so long since Danny’s death the grief isn’t as intense anymore, but it’s wound that will never heal completely. Every so often something happens that rips off the scab, and it hurts almost as much as it did at first. Fortunately for me, as the years have gone on, that’s happened less often, but I know it’s always there.
“Can I ask you a question?” I say, out of the blue, and he smiles at me over the rim of his glass.
“Go for it.”
“I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but I just was wondering what made you sneak out that night in Chicago?”
Matt splutters and coughs in shock.
I feel like an idiot. “You know what, I’m sorry, I don’t know why I asked,” I babble. “You were dealing with a lot that night, and it’s my fault for accidentally falling asleep on you. I’m so sorry about that, by the way. You didn’t do anything wrong.” I waggle my eyebrows and decide to try joking with him for distraction. “I was just so disappointed when I woke up. I’d been looking forward to another round.” Matt doesn’t crack a smile. Instead, he looks thoroughly embarrassed, which makes me feel even worse.
“No, I’m the one who’s sorry. I wanted to say something about it. I just didn’t know how to bring it up.” He clears his throat.
He takes a deep breath and studies the contents of his wineglass. “I snuck out because I was on the verge of a full-fledged panic attack, and I didn’t want you to see me lose it.”
“Shit, Matt, I’m sorry. I was so upset with myself when I realized I’d fallen asleep on you. You probably needed someone to talk to, and I just passed out.”
He shakes his head. “No, no way. Do not apologize. The whole experience with you was… incredible. I never knew I could-,” he swallows. When he takes a sip from his wineglass his hand trembles slightly, and my chest gets tight.
Taking a deep breath, he finally meets my eyes. “I was so lost that night. I had no idea what my life was going to look like, I just knew it wasn’t going to be anything like I had planned. But you.. you made me feel so fucking good, Case. You gave me exactly what I needed; I just didn’t know how to process the emotions. I couldn’t deal with the grief over the divorce, together with the euphoria I felt after we.. were together. It was too much, and I needed to leave before you saw me lose it.” He stops and clears his throat. “This might sound ridiculous, but that night changed my life. For the better. I will always be grateful to you for that night. No matter what.”
“What do you mean, it changed your life?”
“I was struggling with who I was, even before you and I met. But I don’t think I had even recognized what I was struggling with. That night forced me to face some things about myself. In one of my smarter moves, I went into therapy shortly after that, and I’ve spent the last year working out a lot of shit. Stuff I should have worked out a long time ago.”
I lean forward, placing my wine glass carefully on the coffee table and then turning my full attention to Matt. “Really?”
He nods. “Really. I wished so often that I’d stayed, or woken you up, or left my contact info. But in the end it was better I didn’t. I don’t think I would have been able to deal with all my issues if I we were in contact.”
“Oh. Um. Wow.” I look away and drag a hand through my hair before getting up and taking the few steps over to the fireplace, staring into the flames. Is he saying he’s been thinking about me for the last year, the same way I’ve been thinking about him? I swallow, hoping my voice doesn’t shake when I speak.
“So. Your therapy. What have you learned?”
He laughs. “God, I’d need hours to tell you all the shit I’ve uncovered. I’ll say this: money may not be able to buy you happiness or love, but it can buy you a really great therapist, which is pretty much as good as those other two things.”
I chuckle. “Well, on behalf of psychologists everywhere, thank you for that.”
“You’re welcome. But in all honesty Case, and I know this sounds ridiculous, but that night changed my life. It was incredible.”
I can’t help it, a snort of laughter escapes me, the overwrought seriousness of the moment getting to me, and I turn to face him. “Wow, I have to say, I’ve received some compliments in my life, but I’m not sure I’ve ever been told my dick is life-changing.”
Matt hesitates for a moment, then lets out a loud bark of laughter, grabs a throw pillow from the couch beside him, and tosses it at my head.
“Asshole,” he grins, and a warm, fuzzy feeling settles over me like a blanket. That smile of his is what’s life changing. Forget about my dick. When he smiles like no one’s watching, it’s like the sun breaking through the clouds. Matt seems like someone who’s always on guard, monitoring his own reactions to everything, making sure he’s behaving appropriately. Every so often, the guard comes down and I get a glimpse of someone else. Someone a lot less concerned with what anyone else thinks. That’s the guy I met last year, the one I brought back to my hotel room and had the most intense experience of my life with.
He gets off the couch and comes to stand beside me in front of the fireplace.
“I know it sounds stupid and overly dramatic, but it’s true,” he says so quietly I can barely hear him over the crackling of the fireplace. “I had never.. I didn’t..” He stops himself and shakes his head. “I’d never experienced that kind of intensity, that level of passion, of… connection. I loved Michele, but we never had anything like that.” He shakes his head and blows out a long breath. “I’m probably a fool for telling you this, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that night – about you – for a year.”
