I nod, taking another swallow of my coffee. “I’m happy you’re okay with it. Not everyone would be.”
He shrugs. “It took a little time to get there, I admit. Not because of any internalized homophobia, I don’t think. It was just that seeing myself as ‘not straight’ was so unfamiliar.” He pauses for a second before continuing.
“The one thing I worry about is whether coming out would affect the company or my business relationships. And I haven’t told my ex or my kids. There's been no reason, since I haven’t dated anyone I wanted to see more than once.”
“Right,” I say. Hearing him admit he has reservations about coming out to his family and business makes me feel anxious and disappointed. And I don’t even want to examine why that is right now.
“I get it. And forgive the psychology-speak, but it’s a process. You sound like you’re doing great. It takes time.” I give him an encouraging smile.
“I’ll get there.” He returns my smile. “Like I said, if I were to meet someone I wanted to be with, I wouldn’t want to hide. But until that happens….” He lets his voice trail off as we stare into each other’s eyes.
Chapter 13
MATT
Wefinishbreakfastincomfortable silence, and work together to clean up the kitchen when we’re done.
“So, what about you?” I ask Case. “Never been married or in a serious relationship?”
“No, no. I’m definitely not a relationship guy.” He says without turning around to meet my eyes. "I’ve dated people for a few months at a time, back when I was younger, but they never went any further. And I had a couple of experiences that showed me relationships are not my thing.”
“Oh. Bad breakup?” I ask sympathetically.
“No, nothing like that.” He clears his throat. “When I was about 20, I was in a serious car accident that left me with some serious injuries and PTSD. And then when I was 32, my youngest brother died.”
“Oh god, Case, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize.” I stammer, but he smiles reassuringly.
“It’s fine. How would you know? Anyway, those two experiences made it crystal clear to me how fragile life is. I’m naturally a cautious person, and after those experiences..” He hesitates, searching for the right words. “I’m uncomfortable with how I feel when I’m in a relationship. I’ve seen how fast things can change, and how quickly someone you love can be gone from your life.” He looks at me with a half-smile on his lips that doesn't reach his eyes.
“That makes sense,” I say. “I’m so sorry about your brother. That must have been so devastating.”
Case looks into his mostly empty coffee mug. “It was. We all miss him, but we talk about him a lot. It keeps him with us, you know? I like talking about him. It’s just not always easy to do.”
I hesitate for a moment. “I’d love to hear about him. I mean, if you want to tell me.”
He smiles and gets up to refill our coffees. "Like I told you last night, I’m one of five kids. My brother Michael is the oldest. Then there’s me, followed by my sister Olivia, and the twins Jacob and Danny. I’m almost ten years older than the twins–they were a 'happy surprise' my parents like to say.” He smirks. “My dad is pretty outdoorsy, and Danny took after him. His favorite thing was back country skiing. When he was 23, he was on a ski trip with a group of friends in Colorado. They were all experienced and knew what they were doing, but they got caught in an avalanche. Danny didn’t make it.”
“Oh my god, Case.” I cover my mouth with one hand. He’s sitting on the bar stool beside me, and I put my hand on his knee. “I’m so sorry. What a terrible loss.”
“Thank you,” he says with a wistful smile, his eyes shiny with tears. He covers my hand with his, and my heart speeds up.
“It was hard for everyone, not only our family, but the friends who were with him as well. They were all so overcome with guilt, even though there was nothing they could have done. Danny was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
Case clears his throat and takes a sip of his coffee. “Dan’s death, combined with the PTSD after my car accident, showed me how fragile life is. Not to give you an existential crisis or anything, it’s just-” He stops for a moment and takes a sip of coffee before he takes a breath and continues. “It’s probably a huge cliché, but I think of life as a giant casino. Every day, every minute of our lives, we’re rolling the dice, taking our chances, and when our number comes up, it’s all over. I hope that doesn’t sound too weird?” he says softly, and I can see the vulnerability in his eyes. "I just don’t know if I could survive losing another person I loved as much as my brother."
I shake my head. “Not weird at all.”
“So, anyway, I don’t date. I have my family, and some amazing friends who I love, but as for relationships, I keep things simple. I rarely see people more than once. It keeps both of us from catching feelings.”
“Right,” I say. I understand why he would feel that way, but the stab of pain that slices through my belly tells me that as crazy as the idea is, there was a part of me that thought it was possible for Case and me to be more than an extended hookup. But that fantasy dissolves like dust in the wind.
Chapter 14
MATT
Afterwecleanupthe breakfast dishes, I settle myself into the couch and turn on the TV where the local news station is covering the storm, which, apparently, isn’t even half over. The winds are expected to get even stronger tonight and they say most of the region needs to be prepared to be without power for several days. This does not sound like what I had planned for my relaxing getaway. But the thought of being in this little bubble with Case, where no one else can reach us, makes the idea a lot more appealing.
“Wow”, he says. “I guess they’re pretty serious about this one, huh?" He’s standing next to the picture window sipping his coffee while watching. He gestures to the neatly stacked pile of firewood beside the hearth. “Do you know if that’s all the firewood we have?” he asks.
