“Yeah, thanks to modern medicine. I’m taking medications, but sometimes I get the sense that taking that stuff is useless.”
“Is that why you get tired and fall asleep without answering the phone?”
“Yeah. Today I hit the punching bag twice with James, and now I feel wiped out.” He hinted at a smile.
“Do you have to take them forever?”
“I’ve been taking them as far back as I can remember. I have a pill for when I’m up high, another one for when I’m too low, one to sleep . . .”
Will paused to clear his throat, which seemed to interrupt his flow.
“While drugs prevent my mood swings from being so extreme, they also have a side effect on my personality. It’s awful to know that every function in my brain depends on medicine. Like I can’t function alone. It’s depressing. For me, for my self-esteem, for my relationships, for everything.”
And here, like an idiot, I thought he didn’t like me because I was so childish and immature.
“I screwed up with you more than once, June. I shouldn’t’ve disappeared, but I was terrified to tell you because . . . I like you. And I don’t want to lose you over something that I don’t feel like I have full control over.”
I put my cheek on his shoulder and let his scent of fresh laundry cradle me.
“Why’d you decide to tell me? To tell me in particular?”
“Because you’re the only one who goes beyond the superficial. And then because James—”
“James what?”
“Until the other day he told me not to tell you. He thought you were an innocent brat who didn’t know how the world worked.”
“Oh. I bet his insults were a bit worse than that.” I bit my lip.
“Yeah, his suggestion wasn’t very romantic. ‘Don’t tell her anything until you—’” He looked sideways in search of the least crass words possible. “‘Get her in bed.’”
“Yeah, I can imagine he’d say something that crass.” We laughed.
“But we talked last night, and he said he thought I could trust you and that unlike the others you wouldn’t run away.”
I straightened up and looked William right in the eye.
“Of course I wouldn’t. I want to be close to you. Now more than ever, because I know why you disappear.”
“I just disappear because I sleep or maybe I’m not in the mood to see anyone, but it has nothing to do with you. I don’t want you to think I don’t like you anymore.”
“I’m sorry, Will. If I could do something—” I looked up at his teary eyes.
“I’m sorry too. I wish I could be like everyone else. Like James or Jackson. Being euphoric because something good happened. Getting mad because someone really screwed me over and not feeling frustrated or sad just because my brain tells me to. I want to have fun because I really want to, not to feel like a slave to the desire to always go further.”
My hand slid down his shoulder. It was only natural for us to hug for a long time. Will pulled away first and lay on the bad, making room for me. I lay down next to him. We shared the same pillow. Looking at him from close up, I noticed his heavy eyelids and red eyes. I felt a lump in my throat too big to swallow. I couldn’t cry. This was the time when anyone else would be found out, but not me. I couldn’t free myself from everything that gripped my soul. I could’ve shared the way I felt, but I didn’t.
“June.”
William closed his eyes.
“Don’t send me away,” I said.
“I don’t want to. I want to apologize.”
“You don’t have anything to apologize for.”
“I will anyway. I do stupid stuff and hurt people, June.”
