I pulled away from him, gasping, and put distance between us, but Lucas looked at me with such softness, I almost regretted ending the moment so soon.
But why did it take a potential assassination attempt for him to come here now? Of all the times I’d wished he would talk to me, to muster up the nerve to tell me the reason why he broke my heart…Why did it take so long?
My desire for his touch was snuffed out like a candle’s flame in a strong breeze.
“Lucas, I’m…” I started to speak, but I didn’t know what to say, like he’d stolen my voice. He stepped in close and rubbed his thumbs in circles on the bare skin of my arms. At one time his touch might have been comforting, but now I was so mad, I could explode.
“I can’t do this,” I said, barely above a whisper.
He looked like I’d slapped him. Him! Of all the people to feel hurt, he was the last one who deserved it.
“What?” he asked.
I stepped away, breaking his hold on me once more, andput a hand to my forehead. My skin was hot and clammy, and I felt flushed.
“I had to see you, MJ. I had to make sure you were all right.”
“Is that how all knights treat their sovereigns?”
Lucas let out a breathy laugh, and I turned to see his face. Even in the dim candlelight, I could see him so clearly. He looked so infuriatingly handsome. “We can make it a thing if you want.”
On any other occasion, the temptation to laugh would have been almost impossible to fight against. I wanted it so badly—to have him be all mine—and in another time, I might have agreed, but him being here now reminded me why I was so angry. Not just at him but at myself. It took me by surprise how strong the feeling was, like I could combust and burn everyone around me.
“You’re engaged, Lucas,” I said. “You can’t just barge in here and act like nothing has changed…And this is all I get, a stolen kiss in the night behind closed doors? Is that some kind of consolation prize?”
Lucas’s smile dropped, and he bowed his head, his hair flopping into his eyes. “My engagement doesn’t change the way I feel about you.”
I snorted, incredulous. “How is that better? I’m assuming Amador doesn’t know about us—about what you’re doing here right now. And that’s not okay. You told me your betrothal to Amador wasn’t real! Remember?” Lucas winced, but I needed answers. “Back then, when Amador told me you were together, you said she was lying. You said you wanted to be withme, that I was the one you chose. So then what happened? Why, Lucas? Why are you marrying her? Why did you lie to me?” My words felt ragged on my tongue.
I didn’t stop Lucas when he brought his hands up to the sides of my face, anguish collapsing his handsome features. “I know,” he said. “I remember what I said, I just…I can’t talk about it. Not yet.”
“Why?” I asked again. My fingers circled his wrists, seeking assurance. I hated how pathetic I sounded. It was like I was a spoiled girl who didn’t get her way, but I wanted to know. Ineededto know. Why was he doing this to me? Why would he come to my room and kiss me if he was promised to another? Why was he playing with my heart?
“It’s out of my control,” he said. “Marrying Amador, it’s…” He trailed off, staring over my shoulder. “It’s not my place to say.”
That’s not good enough of a reason,I thought.Not by a long shot.
Tears stung my eyes. I wrenched his hands away from me. “You brought me flowers; you asked Elias for permission to court me,” I said, my rage rising. If I wasn’t careful, it would boil over. “I thought we were real.” My voice broke, and I sucked in a breath, realizing just how deeply I hurt. It was like a hot knife was pressed behind my rib cage, digging into the softest parts of me.
I didn’t want to cry, especially not in front of him, but tears blurred my vision. Months of not saying anything to each other had dammed up so many leaks in my chest, it was bound to burst.
And all the while, Lucas just looked at me. Not saying anything.
“Do you love her?” I asked, desperate for him to speak.
“Yes, I mean—” He shook his head. “No. Not like that, I…” He watched me for a long moment, then dragged his teeth on his full bottom lip, finding the words. “Amador and I have been friends since we were kids. She’s one of the most important people in my life. What we have is…it’s more than you think.”
I screwed up my face. “What does that mean?”
Lucas rubbed at the back of his neck, wincing. “I know, it doesn’t make sense, but I can’t tell you any more. It’s not just up to me, I swear, MJ. You have to trust me. Just a little longer—”
“Trust—ha!” My laugh sounded unhinged. “Trust you? After all you’ve done is lie?”
Lucas clenched his jaw. While he looked at me, a crease formed between his eyebrows. Color appeared on his cheeks like he’d been sunburned as he failed to speak yet again. I wanted to shake the answers out of him, grab him by the throat and wrench the truth out.
The violent urge diminished as quickly as it came, the fury in my heart receding, leaving only pain behind.
“How can I ever trust you again?” I asked.
