“I wanted you to have all the things I didn’t have.” Evelyn’s words came in a rush as if she had to get them out before she could change her mind about speaking them. “I wanted you to have a good husband who wasn’t just a great father to your child, but also madly in love with you. I wanted you to go further than racism would’ve allowed me to go in pageantry, because I knew you were gorgeous, I just wanted the rest of the world to see you that way too.”
Her mother took a breath and steadied herself before continuing. “I wanted you to be better than me. And when I made you better than me, I let my jealousy get the better of me. I wanted to be the kind of mother you could be proud of, the kind of mother that you loved, but instead I just drove you away. Once the chasm between us was so wide, I didn’t know how to cross it to reach you. I’m so sorry for that. I was wrong, and if I’d known for a second you believed I hated you, I would’ve told you all of this then.”
Janae tried to process all that her mother had said. Her life flashed before her eyes, except this time, she had the clarity of her mother’s admissions to broaden her view.
Unsure where to start, Janae focused on the first thing her mother had mentioned. “You can’t have believed Daddy didn’t love you, Mother.”
“He cared for me as his wife and the mother of his child. But your dad and I were just having fun when we met on the pageantry line. He only married me because I got pregnant with you.” When Janae’s jaw dropped for a second time, Evelyn held up her hand again. “It’s what we both wanted because we wanted you. It was what you did back then. If you got in trouble, you married and took care of your responsibilities, and your father did that. But when he was with you, I could see genuine love for you the way I’d never seen him have for me. And when I saw how Marques loved the ground that you walked on, I just wanted you to always have that. I didn’t want you to end up old and alone like me.”
“Seems like that still might be my lot in life.” Janae’s mumbled words caused Evelyn to extend her hand and carefully place it atop Janae’s. It was warm and strong, and so foreign to Janae part of her wanted to run away from this kindness.
“Things not working out with that Henderson boy?”
Janae shook her head. “He promised me I would never have to fight alone again, and then he did something that put me on the defensive.”
“Was this thing bad enough that you’re willing to give everything up? Because not too long ago you blessed my soul out for speaking against you seeing him. I imagine that if you were willing to take me on about it, he must be important to you. Responses like that don’t come when there’s nothing left to fight for, Janae. I know because I was lost when your father asked for a divorce. I knew there was nothing left to fight for at that point. It had been over long before the official proceedings. I assume it was the same for you when you divorced Marques?”
Janae nodded.
“Is it that way with that Henderson boy?”
“That man’s name is Adam, Mama.”
She waved her hand. “Hush and answer the question, girl. Does it feel like there’s nothing left to fight for with Adam?”
Janae knew the answer. She was numb when she ended things with Marq. While her heart felt dead inside when she left her marriage, it ached in unspeakable pain for the loss of what she and Adam so briefly shared.
“You don’t have to answer.” Her mother pointed to her accusingly. “I can see it all in your face. You care for that young man. If you still care, then don’t give up. I want you to have something I never had, happiness. And if Adam brings you that, then fight for it with all you’ve got, baby.”
All these years she’d thought her mother hated her. It never occurred that the woman didn’t know how to show love because she’d never been gifted with it herself. She’d done the only thing she’d learned how to do, used criticism to improve things for the better. And she had made Janae better. She’d made her the very best. Unfortunately, she’d sacrificed the possibility of having a loving relationship with her daughter to make it happen. She’d hurt Janae unspeakably. There was no changing that. But now, it didn’t seem so intentional and for whatever it was worth, knowing that soothed a long-standing ache in Janae she’d ignored for most of her life.
“I don’t know if things can change with Adam, Mama. But I do know I’d like things to get better between you and me. I don’t want to fight with you anymore, Mama. I just wanna be loved by you and I want to love on you too.”
Janae tried to hold back the rush of tears, but she couldn’t. She was too raw with so much emotion bubbling up inside that crying was probably the safest reaction she could have to all of this emotional overstimulation.
Her mother stood up, and she did something Janae couldn’t remember her doing since she was a child. She put her arms around Janae and held her tight, rocking her from side to side as she stroked her head and whispered in her ear, “It’s okay, baby girl. Go’n and let it out. Mama’s got you. It’s gonna be all right.”
And for the first time in her life, Janae felt loved and protectedlike she hadn’t ever felt before. But was her mother right? How could things ever be good again if she couldn’t let go of her anger to even contemplate letting Adam back into her world?
That was a question and a battle for another day. Right now, she was just going to let her mother hold her and care for her. More than anything, Janae realized, this was what she needed most in this moment.
Chapter 31
Adam stood in front of the small mirror on the back wall of his office, fiddling with the oversized lapels of his costume shirt.
“I look completely ridiculous.”
He glanced to his right to see Derrick’s smile broaden. “That’s the point, right? To make a complete and utter fool of yourself for love?”
“I fail to see how dressing up as a fashion reject from the sixties is going to win me points with Janae.”
“It will make her laugh.”
“At me,” Adam moaned.
“Yes, but her laughing at you will disarm her and give you the chance to show her how sorry you are for fucking up and how committed you are to making things right.”
Adam turned around to look at his friend, surprised such a thoughtful and insightful perspective had come from Derrick.
