“You okay, Janae?”
No, she wasn’t okay. Her chest felt heavy with a sort of grief she hadn’t experienced in a long while, and she couldn’t explain its source.
She shook her head, trying to free herself from that lie. She knew exactly why her burden was so heavy. She was aching for the man she wanted more than anything else and she knew she couldn’t have him.
Well, she could have him if she laid down her anger long enough.But that was the problem. She couldn’t compromise her principles again. Not for a man, not even Adam.
She’d done that with Marq, trying hard to make herself small to fit into the confinement he’d created just for her. She could never do that again, not at the cost of her heart or independence.
“Janae, it’s been two weeks,” Vanessa huffed. “If you’re this miserable, maybe you should talk to the man. Let him explain himself.”
“I seem to remember me saying something similar to you when you and Michael were going through it.”
“And like an idiot, I waited way too long to take your advice.”
Janae hated when her words came back to bite her on the ass. A few months ago, she’d been all in Michael and Vanessa’s mix. Back then, she only wanted to help end the pain her two friends were going through.
She found Vanessa’s sad but kind eyes full of love and support staring back at her and she knew her friend wanted nothing more than to take this hurt away from her. Knowing that shook her resolve. When she’d arrived on Vanessa and Michael’s doorstep following the incident at the hospital, Janae was so angry, tears flowed freely. But now that the pain of loss was nearly choking her, she had to fight hard to keep the tears out of her eyes.
Too close to losing her resolve, she walked away from the counter and stood at her kitchen sink, looking out over the wooded landscape just beyond her backyard.
“I really wanted this to work, Vanessa.”
“It still can, Janae. Just talk to him.”
Janae took a slow drag of air into her lungs, hoping the emotional exhaustion she carried would dissipate. But just like every moment since she’d walked away from Adam, the heavy boulder of hurt and anger just continued to lodge itself deeper into the center of her chest.
“I wish it were that simple, Vanessa,” Janae huffed, bracing her hands on the edge of the sink to help keep herself upright.“Unfortunately, you know what it’s like to have your trust broken once you’ve freed yourself from an unsavory relationship. You know it’s not as simple as forgiving him and moving on.”
Janae turned her head to find Vanessa nodding slowly. Her past dealings with an abusive ex-husband meant Vanessa knew exactly what Janae was talking about.
“I never thought I’d be able to get to the point where seeing someone excited me, where I wanted to introduce him to my kid as the someone special in my life. I knew if things kept going as well as they were, we’d eventually get there.”
Saying those words felt like a cut across her heart with a razor-sharp knife. “But now I’m second-guessing everything that’s happened between us. Now, I’m right back to being that unsure teenager who couldn’t figure out why the boy she liked so much couldn’t see her. I’m that woman who was suspicious of every man who paid her any attention after her husband broke her heart.”
Vanessa’s designer heels clinked against Janae’s hardwood floors. When the sound of her footsteps stopped, Vanessa was standing next to Janae, gently bumping her shoulder against Janae’s.
“You’re right,” Vanessa whispered. “I know what it is to be uncertain of yourself because you trusted the wrong man. But I also know what it is to almost lose the man of my dreams because I was too afraid to lay down the pain of my past. You trusted Adam to have your back and he disappointed you. He didn’t protect you. But Janae, you’ve gotta know Adam would never cross the line the way Marq did. Those two men are not the same.”
“How are you so sure, Vanessa?”
Her friend gave her a sincere smile, one that warmed the cold edges of her heart.
“You said he came to your place and you refused to let him in and ignored all his attempts to contact you, right?”
Janae nodded, even though she failed to see Vanessa’s point.
“Has he attempted to contact you since the first few days afteryour argument with his father? Has he called, dropped by, sent flowers, passed notes between your mutual friends to get to you?”
“Not so much as a ‘please don’t go’ text.”
“I can tell you, the radio silence hasn’t been because he doesn’t care. He’s been so pitiful since this all happened, it breaks my heart just to look at him. When Michael suggests he tries to talk to you, he says he’s respecting your wishes. Would Marq have given you the space you asked for when you two were going through it?”
Janae shook her head before she could verbalize the words to answer Vanessa’s question. “Marq didn’t know how to give up and let things happen. He had to control every outcome.”
Vanessa’s soft features were filled with compassion that Janae knew was as much for Adam as it was for herself. Vanessa cared about the both of them, but without a doubt, Vanessa’s allegiance was to Janae. So if she were standing here pleading the man’s case, Janae had to wonder if there wasn’t some value to the point Vanessa was attempting to make.
Before her friend had walked into her kitchen, Janae had been certain she never wanted to hear from Adam Henderson again. A few moments in the presence of a woman who she both loved and respected had her rethinking that notion. If she could put this behind them, Janae had no doubt they could be great. But despite all Vanessa had said, Janae still had to wonder if she could in fact trust her heart again.
