Those who found Arris flighty and easily distracted had never interacted with his father.
“Shall we steep together?” asked Eustis. He dropped the cloak and sat upon it before patting the space beside him.
“I was actually on my way—”
“Only for a few moments,” said Eustis.
Arris sat down beside him. King Eustis was rarely dressed in anything other than pajamas. He had a hundred sets, some of which were nothing more than a loose dress. Others had complicated buttons. He liked to tell his childrenthat it was as much for ease and comfort as it was a reminder that rest was a necessity of life.
“I’m sorry I was not at the first trial,” said Eustis.
“No you’re not,” said Arris. “You hate court functions.”
“True… I shall amend my statement, then. I am only sorry if you had wished me to be there and I had disappointed.”
Arris smiled. “It’s fine, Father. Really.”
Eustis sighed and stared up at the moon. “The truth is that it is too painful to watch, Arris.”
“What is?”
“This,” said Eustis, gesturing around him. “I was raised knowing that I would not live long and then I did. And then you were born and I told myself that this was simply the continuation of our line… that this was the way things had always been and would always be… my own grief at how short your life might be made me feel selfish for living as long as I have.”
Arris was quiet. For all that he was told how similar he was to his father, they had never quite bonded the way Eustis and Yvlle had. Arris had never doubted his father loved him, but he had never guessed, until now, how painful that love might have been for him.
“I applaud your desire to find love. I admire your wisdom to know and appreciate all the emotions that life may offer,” said Eustis. “But I suppose part of the reason I wished to find you was to tell you that in the moments when you think you will never love to remember that you are and always have been… deeply, deeply loved… I know I havenot been able to express it as well as you might have wanted, but Arris, if I could forfeit my existence to extend yours, please know that I—”
“I know, Father,” said Arris. “I know.”
It was all too much in that moment. Arris wanted to feel appreciative, and he did, but he was ashamed that he also felt… annoyed. He did not wish to bear the burden of his father’s grief and regrets on top of his own. And it wasn’t as though that’s what his father was asking, but love is a burden, Arris realized. He loved Eustis and he did not wish for him to feel this way, but he also wished he didn’t have to go through any of this in the first place.
“What are you thinking about?” asked Eustis.
“The inconvenience of possessing emotions,” said Arris.
Eustis laughed. “Yes, they are quite terrible.”
The air, so stuffy and oppressive the moment before, lightened. Arris looked up at him and grinned. “So you were lurking in the dark all this time to tell me that? You couldn’t have waited until breakfast?”
“This is hardly a breakfast conversation,” said Eustis, huffing. “And I was not lurking, per se. I was waiting for you to emerge from the cavern because I knew you would not stay for the dinner with the contestants—”
“How could you possibly know that?” asked Arris.
“Give me some credit for my powers of observation,” said Eustis. “Anyway, I figured you would emerge and be lost in your thoughts and hopelessly beleaguered by the days ahead, because that’s how I felt when I went through my own selection of a bride, and then I thought it wouldlook very wise of me to emerge from the shadows at this opportune emotional moment, but you took longer than I thought, so I figured I might as well take a quick nap but then I truly fell asleep.” Eustis paused to exhale. “And then you stepped on me.”
“Sounds like an exhausting ordeal for you, Father,” said Arris.
Eustis nodded. “I have found parenthood to be a terrible drain on one’s supply of energy. Rewarding, but also awful.”
“… Good?”
“How do you feel after our talk?” asked Eustis.
“Confused,” said Arris.
“Well, it’s better than crushed by despair!” said Eustis. “You’re welcome! Now, up we get. I imagine you have some brooding to do and I wish to return to my book.”
Eustis made a great deal of harrumphing sounds as he hoisted himself up. Arris paused before he stood. He looked around at the spot where his father had been waiting for him for long enough that he fell asleep. He could picture Eustis rehearsing what he would say, then getting overwhelmed by the thought of speaking and lying on the hard ground. Arris was still annoyed, but warmth flickered through his chest regardless. He may not find the love he sought, but he did not doubt that he had known love all his life. Perhaps that was the double-edged sword of such a gift. Such love had given him the strength to imagine that even the impossible could be within reach.
