But then she remembered that she was not supposed to sit in the throne, even though it was a chair and chairs were for sitting in, and promptly stood.
“You know I don’t care for those rules,” said Gauri, waving a hand.
Aasha sank back into the seat, her cheeks flaming. The first time she had done that had been in front of a handful of councilors who nearly accused her of insurrection. How was she supposed to know that humans had all kinds of rules about which people could sit in which chair? It wasn’t as though the chairs minded.
“You’ve been in Bharata for almost a year now,” said Gauri. “During that time, I don’t believe I have ever once asked you what you wanted. Not for the day or for a meal, but what you want out of, I suppose, this… life.”
Want.
The word prodded at her. In thevishakanyaharem, her want had been so simple. She wanted a choice that had not been given, to experience the human life that had been denied. But in Bharata, that want had warped. Now she could be a human too. But she did not know how to do that. She did not know the right things to say or how to act. Though she was nearly three centuries old as avishakanya,the human life-form that she could take was hardly more than a young woman stumbling through the darkness. Which made her wants… complicated. She wanted, now, what any human wanted. A place among people. A home in someone’s heart.
She wanted to be a person.
A true person.
***
But she did not know how to explain that to Gauri. And lately, she did not feel as though she were flesh and bone at all, but poison cleverly disguised as a girl. All she had to do was look at the small silk-covered lump off in the corner of the room as proof.
“I don’t know,” she said finally. She did not meet her friend’s eyes. “Right now, I would most want a pistachio cake.”
Which was not a lie.
Gauri’s eyes narrowed. “I can see Vikram’s influence on you quite clearly.”
Aside from Gauri, Vikram was Aasha’s other friend. The sly-eyed emperor of Ujijain had made it a point to guide Aasha through the intricacies of court life. Under his tutelage, she had learned how to insult a person with the highest degree of elegance, how to keep a straight face through a lie, and how to curse. Gauri had not been amused when she had displayed that last talent in front of a group of visiting dignitaries. Vikram, however, had been delighted and let her pick the desserts for an entire week. It had been a very good week.
“What do you want me to do?” asked Aasha.
Gauri shifted, uncomfortable. “Walk with me through the gardens. Vikram should be there. He should be awake by now.”
The two of them rose and left the throne room behind. By now, dawn had fully stretched into morning. The servants in their scarlet and green livery had just begun their daily chores. Water was being drawn from wells and purified for morning prayers. Beyond the ornamental gardens, Aasha could hear the clang of swords as the soldiers moved through the day’s first drills. In the gardens, birdswith bright feathers roosted in the trees as if they were living jewels, and the slender pools carried the clouds’ reflection in their waters. Out of habit, Aasha touched her neck. Hervishakanyamark flared, and a new sense overtook Aasha. Sensing desires was like perceiving another dimension. She stretched out her senses, feeling for any human intention that desired violence. In her first weeks at Bharata, it had been hard to differentiate nuances of desire. She had nearly attacked a courtier who had desired to kick another man down the stairs. That, she now realized, was impulse. Humans had many violent impulses, but they were rarely brought to fruition. The desire for true violence felt like a river of cold. It ran deep, made more intense by how long the desire had lived there. It was her sense for this intention that kept Gauri and Vikram safe.
“There’s been a problem of late,” said Gauri.
“A problem?”
An undercurrent of fear ran through Aasha. Was it possible that she was wrong and that Gauri in fact knew of her ailment? Scared, Aasha caved in her shoulders as if she might exist in this world just a little less.
“Yes,” said Gauri. “And that’s part of the reason why I was asking what it was that you wanted. I wasn’t sure if, perhaps, with all the changes going on in the kingdom, you really wanted to stay here… with us.”
A cold knot of horror grew in Aasha’s belly.
Was Gauri trying to say that she was no longer wanted here? That she had to leave? Aasha felt stricken. Of course that would make sense. They would have the security force of two great empires. They would have no need of her. Perhaps her blunderings in front of other people had become too burdensome.
“Aasha. Where do you see yourself in the future?” prompted Gauri.
By now, they had reached the end of the pathway. Vikram slouched against a pillar, hands shoved in his pockets. He looked bleary with sleep. He managed a smile, but the moment he saw Aasha’s face, his smile fell.
Vikram strode over immediately.
“You’re scaring her!” he said to Gauri. “Just look at her! She thinks we’re kicking her out.”
Gauri stared at Aasha, horrified.
“That’s not what I meant at all!” said Gauri.
“I told youwe should have started this whole thing a different way! You always make everything sound ominous,” said Vikram.
