“What would you have done if I failed?”
“You couldn’t fail,” said Amar. “That’s why I did not worry. You were meant to be the queen of these lands. We were meant to rule together. For all of eternity.”
“I would rather die than rule by the side of a coward.”
Shadows curled away from Amar’s body.
“Coward?” he hissed. “Cowardice is running from the difficult choices made by the ones that love you most. If I have been a coward, so have you,jaani. But we may start anew. Let us not speak of this time any longer.”
He tried, once more, to tilt my face into a kiss, but I moved away.
“I saw you spread the rumors yourself in the Otherworld. I watched you take solace in another’s arms. And if surviving theagni parikshameans spending eternity with you, then I would rather live life as a mortal.”
The room became damp and sticky with darkness.
“Whatliesyou hurl at me,” he murmured.
“I don’t trust you.”
He stepped back, wounded. “Has your judgment become so compromised? If you truly do not believe the truth in my words, then you have no place here.”
We stared at one another, fury swelling between us. The silence expanded, solidifying our words like manacles.
“Once, I thought you loved me,” I said in a broken voice. “I refuse to live in your shadow for the rest of eternity.”
His eyes widened, obsidian eyes searching and disbelieving.
“Then leave!” he said, gesturing to the door angrily.
***
So I did.
I stepped into the reincarnation pool, letting the waters tease my life apart, inflicting upon myself the same curse that had forced me to undergo theagni pariksha. In the distance, Amar’s voice roared for me. Pleading. But it was too little. And far too late.
***
I blinked furiously and the images spun away. The two threads lay against my palm, scalding and writhing like twin serpents. My head was full of what I had seen and what I now knew. I had allowed myself to hear lies and never questioned their truth. I had let suspicion rule me at a terrible price.
My grip on the threads tightened. I had to release myself from her hold.
Outside, the sky pulsed yellow and the marble floors of Naraka sweltered with heat. In the distance, I heard the faintest shattering sound and my heart lurched. Nritti had gotten through. Any minute now and she would run into the throne room. She would wield her powers and I—still powerless, still mortal—would fall.
I tugged at the threads. But they wouldn’t budge. My lungs filled with fire.No. No, please… not now.The tapestry was leering and weighing, waiting and wondering. The weight of its magic was a crushing thing and my mind was splintering beneath it. Images skittered across my skin, pushing up beneath my fingernails, prickling against my feet. I heard Nritti’s voice filtered through the threads—“unworthy.” I heard my own thoughts echoing, tilting around my hurt.
And then I stopped. Those moments were mine, but they didn’t define me anymore. I wouldn’t let my doubts cripple me. I had to accept who I was, what I had done and, more important, who I couldbe. Amar’s voice wrapped around me.Trust yourself. Trust who you are.I hadn’t listened to him then, but I would now. I stared down the tapestry. I knew, now, why it had refused my touch. It didn’t know me because I didn’t know myself. And so I spoke as if in greeting:
“I am Maya and Yamuna and Yamini. I am a frightened girl, a roaring river and night incarnate,” I said. My voice was strong and clear. Around me, the tapestry shrank back, like a scolded animal. “I have been a forgotten princess, a stubborn queen and a falsesadhvi. And I will not be tethered.”
Calm spiraled around me. I no longer saw Naraka’s livid sky, nor heard the scrape of glass along the halls. I had slipped into a moment of lost time, a moment for me alone, something sacred and inviolate—as precious as self. I grasped hold of my thread, untwisting it slowly from Nritti’s.
“My life belongs to me,” I said.
And then I pulled.
29
AN END. A BEGINNING.
