Livy burst out of her bedroom, my dad following behind at a slower pace.
“Daisy’s so happy to be home!” she told my mom and me, hugging her purple dinosaur stuffie. “Auntie Em, what are we having for dinner?”
I tightened my grip on the edge of the counter and forced myself to smile as naturally as I possibly could. “Spaghetti.”
“Yum!” She tugged on my dad’s hand. “Granddad, Auntie Em makes really good spaghetti.”
I blinked back the tears that threatened to well up in my eyes.
“I’ll have to get her to make it for me sometime then,” my dad said.
Somehow that made the urge to cry even stronger.
At first, I thought my dad was as oblivious to the tension in the air as Livy was, but then he glanced warily between my mom and me, and I knew he was aware of what we’d been discussing.
Under other circumstances, I would have confessed to my dad that my spaghetti sauce came from a jar, but those words shriveled up inside of me. Serving meals from a jar might count as another strike against me in my mother’s book. Just another reason why Livy should go and live with them.
“Granddad and I need to leave now,” my mother told Livy. “Do we get hugs?”
Livy threw her arms around each of them in turn, and I had to swallow another lump of emotion. Simmering beneath it, deep in my chest, was a growing anger and sense of protectiveness.
As my parents made their way out the door, Livy waved and called out, “Bye, Grandma! Bye, Granddad!”
My mom directed her frosty gaze at me and said, “We’ll talk more later.”
I shut the door and tamped my feelings down to be dealt with later—maybe.
Then I smiled at my niece and said, “Let’s get that spaghetti ready.”
I held back my tears all evening and managed not to smash anything out of anger, even though the temptation arose swiftly and fiercely on more than one occasion. By the time I tucked Livy into bed, my heart and head both ached, but the threat of tears had disappeared, leaving me weary and defeated.
I crawled into my own bed and hid beneath the covers, my stomach roiling. I couldn’t even convince myself that my mom would change her mind over time, because I knew from twenty-eight years of experience that when she set her mind on something, stopping her was like getting in the way of a speeding freight train with no brakes.
So many emotions swirled inside of me that I had trouble separating one from another. I could recognize the fear, though, fear that Livy would be ripped from my daily life. I’d loved that little girl so much right from the day she was born, but since I’d become her guardian and had taken care of her each day, my love for her had grown to the point that my heart often felt like it could burst right open. I loved her so much that it physically hurt at times.
Of course, that meant I always wanted to do what was best for her, even if it pained me. But wasn’t it best for her to be with the person my brother had wanted her to live with? Yes, Ethan had been ill when he’d made his wishes known, but although cancer riddled his body and was slowly leeching the life out of him, his mind was still working at full capacity, and I didn’t doubt for a minute that having me be Livy’s guardian was his true wish.
But what if he could see you now?a cruel voice whispered inside my head.No job, almost broke, and an all-around hot mess. Would he still think you’re the best guardian for his daughter?
I burrowed my head deeper into my pillow, trying to silence that voice, but its words echoed in my brain, working their way into my heart, my bones, every part of my being.
The tears that my anger had held back for hours finally rushed free, spilling out onto my cheeks and soaking into my pillow. I was about to give in to full-out sobs when my bedroom door creaked open and a narrow beam of light danced around the room.
“Auntie Em?” Livy’s voice sounded tiny and frightened.
I sat up like a shot, quickly wiping away my tears as the beam of her small flashlight danced away from me. “Livy? What’s wrong, sweetie?”
“I’m scared.”
Those words nearly ripped my heart in two.
“Can I sleep here with you?” she asked, a tremor in her voice.
“Of course, baby girl.”
At those words, she clambered up onto the bed, crawling over my legs until she reached a spot where she could burrow under the blankets. She had her pink flashlight in one hand and her purple dino stuffie tucked under her other arm.
I took the flashlight from her and shut it off before setting it on the bedside table. Then I snuggled down with her, wrapping my arms around her.
