The Night Before the First Loop
I was playingMario Partyin my room with Prateek when you dumped Vivian.
We actually didn’t know right away that you were dumping her. We thought you two were making out. Prateek wanted to eavesdrop. I told him that was gross and bumped up the volume on our game.
But then we heard a yelp. Prateek gave me one of his ridiculous grins, which quickly disappeared once we realized it was a sob. Vivian was crying.
We heard you saying something about it not feeling right. Like, since you were turning seventeen, you didn’t want to feel like you were already married. You wanted to be with a lot of different people. Vivian said something we couldn’t hear, then called you immature. You responded, but you were both talking too quietly after that to understand what you were saying. A couple minutes later, your bedroom door flew open, and Vivian speed-walked out in tears.
You walked out too, but you stopped at the top of the stairs, watching Vivian leave the house. You seemed shaken up. Not crying but definitely rattled. Prateek and I looked at each other. He gestured at me like,Go see if he’s okay.
So I did.
I called out to you in the hallway, asked if you were okay.
You looked at me, and something switched in your eyes, andI immediately wished I hadn’t said anything. “I’m fine,” you said. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
And you walked into my room.
You asked us if we heard what happened. Prateek and I said not really, we were too busy playing, just that it sounded like you and Vivian got in some kind of argument.
“An argument?” you said. “Look at you, so smart!” You paced around the room—it was really more like a prowl—and I remember wishing so deeply that this moment could be over, that I could fast-forward to the part where Prateek and I were back to rolling digital dice and throwing cartoon pies.
“I’m sorry,” I said, “we don’t have to talk about—”
“Prateek,” you said, “this is something funny about Lincoln you might not be aware of. He actually wet the bed until age eleven. Eleven! Did you know that?”
I couldn’t believe you’d said those words.
Prateek was silent. He just sat there looking at the Switch controller in his hand.
I pretty much died inside.
You kept speaking. “For someone so smart, you’d think this kid would know what’s a bed and what’s a toilet, you know?”
“That’s mean,” I said, barely audible.
“It’s ajoke!” you said.
“Jokes are funny,” I said, louder now. “And that’s just mean!”
“It all depends on your sense of humor, I guess,” you said.
And then the dread inside me transformed.
“Youareimmature!” I shouted. “I get why Vivian said that!”
“More immature than a bed-wetting eleven-year-old?” you asked.
“You’re just proving my point by saying that!” I took a few steps toward you. “Youare like an eleven-year-old, stuck in a sixteen-year-old’s body. You’re turning seventeen tomorrow, and it doesn’t seem like that at all, it really doesn’t.”
I saw on your face, only for a moment, that I’d hurt you.
And I liked that.
“Well, maybe I’ll never be mature!” you yelled. “Maybe I’ll be this way forever. Maybe Iwanttobe this way. So get used to it!”
You stormed out of the room.
