“Why do you feel alone? You have friends, Shabina. I thought you were happy here. You’ve made a life for yourself.”
“They try to understand. They all try to know me, but how can they? Even Raine. She comes the closest, but only you really know. Everyone tells me how I should think or feel about what happened to me, but they didn’t experience it.” Another sob welled up, and she pushed her fist into her mouth, refusing to start crying again when she’d just gotten herself under control.
She took a deep breath. “I’m not being fair to my friends. They try very hard to understand. When they were worried about me, they took time off work to be with me. They’ve been amazing friends. It isn’t them. It’s me. I feel so apart from everyone.”
“Why haven’t you told me this before now?”
Convulsively, her fingers tightened in his shirt. “I know how you are. You don’t think anyone knows you, Rainier, but I do. If you hear me whining and crying, confessing I feel alone unless you’re around, you’re going to move heaven and earth to find a way to be with me.” She forced her stricken gaze to meet his. “You would, wouldn’t you?”
“In a heartbeat.” He trailed more kisses down her wet cheeks. “Stop crying now. You’re safe. I’ve got you safe.”
“The only time I feel safe is when you’re with me. The only time I don’t feel alone is when you’re with me. It isn’t fair to you, but it’s the truth.” She lifted her head, forcing herself to look into his eyes as she made her confession. “I’m sorry. I know that only makes things worse for you. I swear I’m doing everything I can to learn to be okay, but I can’t seem to get there. Not without you.”
Rainier cupped her chin, his steel-gray eyes studying hers. “Do you mean that? You only feel safe when I’m with you?”
“I hate it when you’re away from me.” She was truthful.
“And you didn’t think to tell me this either? You felt alone all this time and you haven’t felt safe?” He didn’t sound happy.
Shabina shook her head. “Not for one single minute of the day. I’m not going to live with my parents, Rainier. And I don’t want a security team here. I’ll get stronger. I will.” She did her best to pour determination into her voice, but she didn’t believe she could do it anymore. She’d been trying, physically, emotionally, spiritually, all of it, to build herself up. She would do fine for a period of time, and then she’d crash and burn just like now. This time had been the worst of the episodes she’d experienced. Had he not come, she had no idea what would have happened.
“You should have called me right away,Qadri. We’re supposed to talk about things. You promised me you’d be honest with me.”
“You don’t like clingy women.” She tried a watery smile. “And don’t pretend you don’t mind them. I know you better than that.”
His lips ran down her wet cheek again. “You’re absolutely right, Shabina. I wouldn’t tolerate any other woman trying to cling to me, but you aren’t just any woman. You can cling all you want, and you should have been honest with me.”
Shabina wasn’t certain how best to respond to him. His answers surprised her. Shocked her, even. The feel of his lips on her skin sent little sparks of electricity skittering down her spine andhope blossoming in her heart. She did her best to ignore hope. She tended to misread Rainier’s kindness to her because she desperately wanted him to care for her the way she did him.
“I want you in the tub, Shabina. We’ll talk about all this when you’re not shaking like a leaf and your body isn’t hurting quite so bad.”
Steam rose from the bathwater. Rainier believed in hot water. More than once he’d put her in a hot bath or taken her into a hot shower. He was a great believer in a cold shower as well. That wasn’t her favorite, and she didn’t want him to get any ideas. The hot water was far more appealing to her.
“I’m going to bring in your dogs. My three will be in the garden to ensure everything stays quiet. I’ve got to make certain they have water and the gates are secure and locked.” A hint of a smile touched his mouth. “Not that they couldn’t escape if they wanted to, but they’ll stay.”
Panic was instantly overwhelming. Involuntarily, her fingers curled into fists in his shirt, holding him to her. She shook her head. “You can’t leave, Rainier. You can’t go anywhere.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” His voice was steady. Firm. “I’m putting you in the tub, taking care of the animals, and then I’ll be right back. Your muscles are going to lock up if they haven’t already.” His hands dropped to the buttons of her blouse, and he began to slip them loose from the buttonholes. “I’m not leaving you.” He slipped the blouse from her shoulders. “Where are the pins you keep in here so I can put your hair on top of your head?”
Shabina looked around a little helplessly, forcing herself not to clutch at him. She was doing all the things she’d promised herself she wouldn’t do. She wasn’t embarrassed as he gently lifted her to her feet to strip her trousers from her hips. He had seen hercompletely nude numerous times. She wished he weren’t so impersonal, but he always was. It would be nice to think she could seduce him, that he would be interested in her other than as a patient he needed to care for medically or as someone who needed him to provide her with security.
Her muscles and joints were far too locked up for her to stand on her own. Rainier had to lift her into the deep tub and help her sit in the hot water. Nothing had ever felt so good. He kept her hair in his hands to prevent it from falling into the water, twisting it on top of her head and pinning it in place with an expertise that reminded her he had done so many times. How he’d found the pins for her hair, she had no idea.
“I’m glad you aren’t cutting your hair, although I’m a little surprised. It’s heavy. You have a lot of hair. Your mother has beautiful hair, you inherited it from her, but she’s very modern. She doesn’t wear it long like this.”
He hadn’t exactly asked her a question, but she knew he was curious. “Scorpion chopped it off. Remember when you first rescued me?” Although he might not have noticed when her body was such a mess and she was close to death.
“I remember.”
“Chopping my hair off was part of his punishment. He wouldn’t let me have hair because he claimed I didn’t know how to behave correctly as a woman.” She had tried hard to close the door tight against those memories. “I prefer to have my hair long. Mama Ahmad wore her hair in a long braid most of the time and covered it. She showed me how to do quite a few different braids and how to wrap them on the back of my head or on top so I could cover my hair.”
“She made quite an impression on you.”
“She was wonderful. She taught me so many things, from cooking and baking to henna tattooing. I never heard her complain. If visitors came, she welcomed them and made them feel at home.”
Rainier’s hands were on her shoulders, his strong fingers massaging her muscles to loosen the tight, sore knots. “She sounds like she was a very impressive woman. She would have been proud of you, Shabina. You turned out very much like her. Warm, welcoming. You treat everyone who comes to your home or café with that feeling of warmth that makes them want to return.”
His praise thrilled her. That was the thing about Rainier. He didn’t just hand out compliments on a regular basis. That wasn’t his way, but he managed to make her feel good about herself in unexpected moments. In unexpected ways.
