“She fuckin’ programmed you to believe you were a dangerous psychopath. She was always delusional, as far back as I can remember. Toward the end, she hallucinated. Her hallucinations were always about demons and angels. She needed someone to be the devil, and she assigned you to that role.”
Rubin didn’t use the word “fuck.” Not ever. It was an indication that he was really upset. Diego was good at feeling and reading energy, and rage was pouring off Rubin in waves. Looking at him, one would never know. Rubin looked perfectly calm, but Diego was in his mind, and there was that dark energy swirling around him, ready to swallow them both.
Diego realized Rubin wasn’t angry with him. He was angry with their mother. Rubin had always been the voice of reason, even at a very young age. He could get their mother to listen to his logic when no one else could.
Rubin pushed his hand through his hair, and that nearly made Diego smile. He had the same mannerisms when he was agitated. He’d hero-worshiped Rubin from the moment he was born, and time had reinforced the way he felt about his brother. He hadn’t realized for a long time just how many of Rubin’s mannerisms he had.
“The demon in your head is our mother, Diego. She’s that voice. The one telling you that you’re worthless. You aren’t. When Jonquille came into my life, you must have felt pushed aside. I didn’t mean for that to happen. You’re every bit as important to me. I believe we both have a codependency, and that’s okay. That’s how we survived. When I was adding Jonquille to my life, I assumed she was enriching your life as well. I should have talked with you.”
“I love Jonquille. I’m happy you found her, Rubin. I don’t want you to think for a minute that she’s not family to me. She’s been wonderful and makes a point of including me.”
Rubin remained silent. Waiting. He wasn’t going to allow Diego to get away with his simple statement. He wanted more. That was Rubin. Anyone else Diego would have walked away from, but his brother deserved answers. And Diego wanted to find a solution. He trusted Rubin implicitly. Whatever Rubin said to him would be exactly what was truth.
“I believed you would be all right because you had her. She’s sunshine. She’s amazing. You need her in your life.”
The moment the words were said aloud, Diego realized what it sounded like. What it was. In his mind, Jonquille had taken his place in Rubin’s life. She provided him with fun and laughter, but she was also a warrior woman, much like Leila. Not quite as much of a warrior, but she would defend Rubin to the death. She would stand beside him.
“In your mind, now that Jonquille was with me, you believed you had outlived your usefulness. You were no longer needed,” Rubin interpreted.
“Something like that. Yes,” Diego admitted. “It was all very logical at the time.”
Rubin leaned toward him. “You have to work through this, Diego. We can find a therapist in one of the GhostWalker units. Joe wouldn’t toss you out if you were seeing someone; in fact, he’d encourage it. If you need to take meds, that wouldn’t necessarily exclude you from work either. The GhostWalkers don’t work the way other units do. We’re held to a different standard.”
“Higher,” Diego said. “Much higher. You know someone is always looking to get rid of us—permanently. I don’t want to be the downfall of the GhostWalkers.”
“Do you hear yourself?” Rubin glared at him. “You’re practically quoting Whitney. And our mother. Everything bad that happens is your fault. You brought in more meat than I did, more food, and half the time, when we were all starving, she threw it out because she was certain you’d used magical means. The devil had helped you. She would let the girls starve before she’d feed them the meat, and then she’d send you out again in the middle of a blizzard.”
Diego sent him a faint grin. “We started outsmarting her by telling her you brought the meat. Of course, I got the hell beat out of me for being lazy and not helping out, but the girls had food.”
“Yeah, we outsmarted her, but she set you up to believe you weren’t worth anything. You have to realize it all stems from her. From the shit childhood you had.”
“You had the same shit childhood,” Diego pointed out.
“You persist in believing I’m perfectly fine. You’ve seen me when I can’t contain my temper. The rage I have inside me that I keep locked down tight because it’s like a nuclear bomb going off when it escapes. I rely on you. Just as you rely on me. It’s always been the two of us, Diego. It doesn’t matter if I have Jonquille and you have Leila, it’s still the two of us.”
It was true that Diego thought of Rubin as perfect. Rubin hadstepped in hundreds of times to shield him from their mother’s wrath. He was the white knight. The true hero. Diego would do anything to protect him and keep him safe. He had devoted his life to that end.
But it made sense that Rubin would have just as many issues stemming from their traumatic childhood as Diego did. It wasn’t just the mental illness of their mother; it was the loss of every sibling, as well as their parents, most of them in violent circumstances.
“We both have triggers, Diego,” Rubin said. “We need to identify those triggers and learn to cope with them.”
“Sounds easy enough, but it isn’t,” Diego said. “Can’t take religious talk. It isn’t that I’m not a believer, but it seems to me so many religions are twisted from what they should be. They’re means of power and judging others. I have to walk out when people get talking religion.”
“What about Leila? Have you discussed that with her? If she’s very religious, that could be a problem.”
Diego hadn’t considered that Leila would be all about a particular belief. It was something he did need to talk to her about. He couldn’t imagine that she was a fanatic, but it was always possible. That was a hard no for him. It always would be. No child of his would ever be raised to believe he wasn’t good enough or had a devil in him.
“I haven’t,” he admitted. “I’ll do that. You’re right. Total trigger for me. Tends to make me feel murderous before depression sets in.”
“Acupuncture can be a good treatment,” Rubin said. “In lieu of medication, that might be a help.”
Diego hadn’t considered acupuncture, but it was a far more appealing treatment to him than a pharmaceutical. He wouldn’t mind trying it. More than anything, he wanted to be a good partner for Leila and a reliable, worthy father. He knew a part of him would be overprotective, but he was also aware he felt thingsdeeply. He would feel love for his children and want to find the best ways to instill confidence and a code of honor. Looking to his brother was one of those ways. He was willing to learn from the best, and Rubin, to him, was the best.
“We can fight this together, Diego,” Rubin said. “Establish every trigger you have and find a way to cope with it. I’ll be doing the same thing for me.”
That was Rubin, making certain Diego didn’t feel alone. He’d been looking out for Diego all his life, just as Diego looked after him. What had he been thinking? He hadn’t been. He’d been in such a dark place, certain there was no more use for him. And he had to be useful. That was important.
“I have to be looking after someone, Rubin. That’s part of my identity. I need to know that what I do is important and could save lives.”
