Rory watched her friend walk away, Lydia’s body very close to the detective. Larrsen’s posture was very protective, bringing an ache to Rory’s heart. She pressed a fist to her chest. She wanted that for Lydia. She also wanted that for herself. She was probably making the biggest mistake of her life meeting Gideon. She’d reached out to him in a moment of weakness. The entire day had been one long moment of weakness.
Gideon’s hand brushed lightly down the back of her hair and then settled on the small of her back. “How is she?”
“She’s strong. She was absolutely magnificent tonight. I asked Brad to give her a chance when she had no experience. He did it for me, but he didn’t want to. We both knew we’d get slammed tonight.” She didn’t look up at him. She couldn’t. Not yet.
His hand felt like a hot brand on her back, urging her forward. She took that first step toward the path that was familiar, the one leading to the gardens on the other side of her apartments, where the secluded covered patio was. She thought of it as their place. She’d never once gone there during the day, and she knew she never would without him.
“She didn’t let me down. She worked hard and she knew everything. She’d studied and practiced at home so much, it was like she’d been bartending for years. She didn’t let anything throw her, not even when she was told about her apartment.”
“You admire her.”
“So do you.” That was one of the things she’d noticed about him right away. He was obviously extremely intelligent and had money, yet he never seemed to look down on anyone. He paid attention to the waiters and waitresses, addressing them by name. He thanked them and tipped them well.
He didn’t answer. He never did if she gave him a compliment. That was another thing she’d noticed about him. He was quiet whenever she said anything nice about him.
“Gideon, do you like who you are?” She didn’t look up at him but kept walking along the little path, the shortcut between the buildings she hadn’t known was there until Gideon had shown it to her.
He remained silent for several steps as they walked together. “Like who I am?” he finally echoed. “That’s an interesting question. I guess I never really thought about it. I like what I do for our country. For others.”
His answer bothered her. Really bothered her. There was a heaviness in him that she’d felt from the beginning. The more time she spent with him, connected mind to mind, the more she was able to sense that burden he bore.
“That’s not the same thing, Gideon. I’m asking about you. The man you are. I like me as a person. Do you like you?”
She had the impression that the burden he carried made him feel unworthy of happiness. Of a good life. He had stepped in front of Javier and taken the bullets that would have ended Javier’s life. Gideon had done so deliberately, knowing he would die. Javier hadsaid it wasn’t the first time. More than once now, she caught glimpses of darker shadows in Gideon that made her afraid for him. She’d lashed out at Javier for continually reminding Gideon of his wounds, but it wasn’t only Javier. She was just as guilty. She knew Javier wasn’t the only one. His team members were all concerned for him. Was that concern because, like her, they sensed Gideon just didn’t care enough about his own life?
Rory found herself working to control the sudden rapid beating of her heart. Gideon was a good man whether he thought so or not. Why didn’t he see that?
“I promised myself I’d be honest with you, Red.” There was reluctance in his voice. “So, no, I don’t think much of myself, especially after what I did to you.”
“I’ve had time to think things through. If you believed I was a threat to a baby, you would have had to take steps to protect the child. Maybe you didn’t protect me, but you did the child when you couldn’t do both. You knowingly sacrificed your own happiness to ensure the baby’s safety, and there’s something beautiful and noble in that.”
“I hurt you.”
There was no denying that fact. No getting around it. “Yes, you did. That doesn’t make you a bad person, Gideon. I don’t think hurting me was where you started thinking you were a bad person.”
They were coming up on the gardens. He opened the gates, and the large arbor with climbing vines seemed to welcome them as they passed under it and stepped onto the flat stones leading to the small patio where they’d enjoyed sitting together surrounded by the various flowers and grasses growing throughout the garden.
Gideon pulled out a chair and waited for her to settle in it. She liked facing the rose trees. Some of them were tall, with branches extending out and covered in small pink roses. Others were a little smaller, with larger yellow blossoms. The newer rose trees weremuch smaller but still blossoming and had various colors of flowers on them.
Gideon took the chair to her right, where he could see her and the entrance to the garden, but also keep an eye on either side of them. He waited for her to take out her travel nebulizer and put her medication in it before speaking.
“You have a great deal of compassion in you, Rory, but you know you haven’t looked at me once since you walked out on me.”
She hadn’t. She couldn’t. She nodded her head in acknowledgment. Understanding intellectually why he’d had to do what he did was one thing. Admiring him for it went along with that. Her heart didn’t necessarily understand. That was a different situation altogether. She couldn’t go through a betrayal again. He had his family. His loyalties. Whatever he did with them, that was a lifetime commitment.
She pressed her fingertips to her lips to keep him from seeing them tremble. She wasn’t going to cry, although she felt burning behind her eyelids. She hadn’t agreed to meet him to make him feel worse. She knew he suffered. She knew he was devastated. She hadn’t wanted to give him false hope any more than she wanted to give herself false hope. The temptation to be with him had been too strong to resist. That was the truth, and she always made herself face the truth.
“I know, Gideon. I’m not being entirely fair, but I’m trying. I just want you to talk to me. Tell me about you. Your childhood. You’ve never given me anything of you. I need that to understand you.” She just needed to know about him. She needed to hear his voice. To sit with him. To be with him. She just needed...him.
He sighed. Ran both hands through his hair to create more chaos. She watched him out of the corner of her eye, trying not to look at his face. She liked his hair unruly. Untamed. It went along with that man she’d first seen in the bar. By turns sweet and gentleand then predatory and dangerous. Sexy and tempting. He had so many looks.
“It isn’t pretty, Red. In fact, most of the time, I can’t sleep. You already have nightmares. You’re sensitive and compassionate. Putting my childhood in your head might not be a good idea.”
“There you go again, Gideon. Protecting everyone around you. I’m asking you to tell me. Do your friends know your childhood? What you went through?”
“Some of it.” His voice was clipped. Abrupt. “But no, not the things I would be telling you.”
He was saying he would understand if she retaliated and told her friends. Even his friends. She wasn’t like that. If he told her the darkest moments in his life, she would never repeat them. She would hold them close to her, thankful he trusted her and wanted to repair the damage he’d done enough to give that to her. She wasn’t going to say that to him. She wouldn’t use the words “trust” or “safe.” She would let him make up his mind.
