“If I’d known about you from the beginning,” he said, “I never would have done this. I would rather have died.”
My entire soul went slack. He couldn’t have meant how that sounded…
He would have chosen death over me?
The corrosive anger spread through my chest and poisoned my bloodstream. “Why? What changed?”
His flat stare spoke volumes.
“Are youashamedthat you fucked me, Lucas?”
A tinge of red appeared on his cheekbones, but other than that, he yielded no reaction. “Not ashamed. Disappointed.”
The insult was like a slap to the face. Sudden, stinging pain spread through my nervous system, and I fell victim to the shock of it. Everything went prickly—my heart, my emotions, even my words. “Was I not as good as you imagined?”
A joyless smile appeared at his lips. “You were more willing than I imagined.”
“Willing? Do you prefer to take women against their will, Lucas? Are you disappointed to discover women actually have desires of their own?”
I wanted to hide from his sudden scrutiny, like he could read my every feeling as it shimmered across my face.
Embarrassment. Anger. Shame. Confusion.
“Disappointed that you have desire forme,” he said eventually.
I blinked, at a loss for words.
His voice lost a smidge of its sharpness. “You are deeper in this than you should be, Sophia.”
“I’m not?—”
“You used to guard yourself from me,” he said. “Do you remember that? Every week, you’d show up terrified that would be the day I collected what you thought I wanted. I’m not sure when that fear stopped, but last week, you willingly gave me the one thing you never wanted me to have. Why would you do that if you weren’t invested?”
My throat dried up like desert sand as I recognized the truth in that statement. I could blame passion or the heat of the moment, but I’d slept with him because I wanted to. Because I felt something for him I knew I shouldn’t. “It doesn’t mean anything,” I croaked.
He shook his head, surveying me with a regret I hated. “Don’t lie to me, Sophia. It’s insulting. I am a dead man. They will hunt me down and destroy everything good that has ever touched my life, including you. Why are you giving your soul to the devil? You don’t hang with a hunted man if you want to live.”
Theo’s words crept into my brain—You’re the weapon Williams will choose to end him—but I shoved them away. “That’s not what?—”
“No!” He went sharp as a blade again. “There is no arguing with this. What have I been telling you from day one?Protect yourself.That includes your heart. Guard your fucking heart, Sophia. It’s the most sacred part of you.”
“Then why the fuck did you carve your name all over it?” The words flew out before I could stop them, heated and desperate, and I slapped my hand over my mouth.
He blanched, but it only made the blue-green gleam brighter in his face. After a long silence, during which I considered melting into the floor, his words punctured the escalating tension between us. “I didn’t.”
Words deserted me.
“Not intentionally,” he added. “This is a losing game, and I refuse to be another thing that hurts you.”
I rolled my eyes.
He marked that reaction with a flash of his eyes, and the fury returned. “What will you do when I die, Sophia?” As I started to answer, he cut me off. “Do you remember the months of self-destructive grief you described to me after Tekqua died?”
I fell victim to silence, wishing he wasn’t right. Perhaps I’d grown too attached to him, but losing him to this sudden code of ethics wouldn’t hurt any less. I was free-falling, and if he didn’t catch me, if I didn’t land safe in his arms, I’d crash over jagged rocks. “It isn’t your job to protect me from that,” I finally ground out.
We stood in the stillness, facing off, until eventually, he opened his mouth. “I have three points for you to take to Harrison. Are you ready?”
My spirits sank. It felt as if he’d started a chess match, but he was both more patient and a better strategist. What else could I do but play the game?
