That’s what a therapist is for, though. They ask the hard questions and make you face your issues.
I bite my cheek as I reach for another weed.
“I still struggle with it, I think,” I admit softly.
“Which part are you struggling with?”
I take a deep breath before I answer. “I feel like I don’t deserve good things. I don’t deserve their friendship, loyalty, or love. I’m a bitch on a good day and a fucking nightmare at my worst. They shouldn’t have to put up with my mood swings.”
She hums. “But they do. They do it because they love you during your highs and lows. You don’t have to understand it because it’s not something that’s up to you. We all have free will, right?”
“Yeah…”
She nods. “They are exercising their free will by loving you, by being friends with you. They don’t care what others think or say, because at the end of the day, it’s their choice. They are choosing you.”
“Because they’re idiots,” I mutter under my breath.
Erin catches it, though. “They aren’t idiots, Aspen. We both know that.”
We each work in our section of the garden for several minutes of silence. I know what she is doing. She is forcing me to think about her words.
When she finally speaks, it’s to ask me a hard-hitting question. “Tell me, would you go back in time, and knowing what you know now, would you change anything? Would you never befriend Maggie or get close to your brother? Would you cut yourself off from those who love you most in the world and isolate yourself?”
For a moment, I contemplate what she’s asking, and it makes my heart ache.
I can’t imagine what it would have been like to grow up without Maggie. To not have someone to remind me that there are good people in the world. Then I think about Calloway. I don’t even want to think about what could have happened to me if he hadn’t been around to protect me.
“No. No, I wouldn’t go back and walk away from them.”
“That’s what I thought. You were dealt a shitty hand as a child, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t have some bright spots in your childhood. Specifically, Calloway and Maggie. They love you and have for years. They’ve seen you at your worst and your best. Don’t you think it’s time to stop believing that one day they might leave you?” she asks.
Calloway and Maggie are two of the most loyal people I’ve ever met. Logically, I know they won’t leave, but that doesn’t stop the fear from manifesting when I’m low.
Fears are sometimes irrational and unexplainable.
“I don’t know if I can. Logically, I know they won’t leave me, but that doubt always lives inside of me.”
“You can. It will just take time. Start believing it, and the doubt will shrink,” Erin says confidently.
I grunt, pulling a weed. I don’t know if she’s just blindly optimistic or if she knows something I don’t, but I’m willing to try.
The conversation shifts and becomes lighter. She tells me about the new plants she’s planted recently, and I tell her about how I’m excited for a new season of a show I recently discovered. By the time my session ends, I’m feeling happier and lighter than I have in a while.
Huh, who would have thought that a little sunshine and therapy were exactly what I needed?
ASHER
“I’m telling you, man, if you ever get the chance to just ride, do it. Go visit all the national parks. It’s totally fucking worth it,” Yak says.
I shake my head. “Just when I think I’m getting to know you, you say some crazy shit like that. I never thought you would be a national park groupie.”
“I like seeing what’s out there.” He shrugs.
There are sixty-three national parks, and he’s been to all of them.
“I can’t imagine how long that took.”
“I mean, it’s not like I did it all at once. I started as a kid,” he points out.
