That final reminder sends me into another fit of tears as she leaves me alone for just a moment. I peer out her window, the knowledge that I could climb out onto the patio and escape if I really wanted to tempting me. But there’s nothing I can do, and all Iwantto do is let Fritz fix everything for me again.
When he peeks his head through the door, mortal form intact, it’s all I can do not to immediately launch at him with apologies and sobs. As it is, I still do that, but at least I wait until he’s fully entered the room and shut the door behind him.
“Oh, my Songbird, I’m so sorry,” he whispers into my hair, “I didn’t want to do that to you but you were hurting yourself and I couldn’t stand it.”
Words won’t form, so I don’t even try; just let myself sob into his shoulder while he holds me close, soothing me the best he can in our moment of shared loss.
What seems like hours later, but in all honesty is probably only moments, he releases me, grabbing my hands and pulling me towards the bathroom, “Please let me help you get cleaned up.”
“Cleaned up?”
Sorrow fills his features as he nods, and I finally look at my hands. Underneath my fingernails and trailing down my hands is black mystery gunk. “What is this?” I ask him finally.
He forces out the fakest laugh I’ve ever fucking heard, “It’s nothing. No big deal. In most other circumstances, I think you scratching me until I bled would probably make me cum immediately.”
“I did this to you?” Guilt fills me.
“You didn’t mean to. It’s fine. Come on, you’re not even gonna laugh at the cum thing? Gods, I need to work on my delivery.”
“It’s not fine, Fritz,” I sputter out, “I hurt you.”
“I don’t blame you, darling girl. You were terrified because the person you fear most had the person you love most,” he assures me, but that only makes me feel worse.
“Do you think that I love Caspian more than you?” I’m distraught by his words, “That I wouldn’t also fight literally tooth and nail to get back to you?”
“Well, I…” he blushes, “I don’t know.”
“Ilove you. With everything I am. And I lovehimwith everything I am. I would never stop fighting for either of you. For the rest of my life.”
“Really?” His eyes start to water, and he dabs at it like it’s the strangest thing he’s ever seen.
“Really, Fritz. I know the L word freaks you out, or maybe you’re not there with me and that’s fine. But that’s where I’m at for both of you. And because of that, we have to go get him.”
“No.”
“No?”
“Let me rephrase. Fuck no.”
“We have to,” I repeat.
“I won’t let you.”
“You won’tletme?” I raise my brows in challenge.
“No.”
“Why the fuck not?”
“Because it’s fucking dangerous.”
“But you’ll let them kill Caspian?”
He hesitates for a moment but answers, “Yes.”
“Why?” the word escapes as a sob.
As if tearing its way out of his mouth unbidden, he shouts, “Because I won’t risk your life for his, okay? I won’t. I won’t risk you for him. And I would—anddid— risk him for you. Becauseyouare everything to me. I can’t explain it. I don’t know what it means or what it is. But I know I can survive losing him. I wouldneversurvive losing you. I wouldn’t want to. There’s no point to any of this shit if you’re not here.
