Fritz sighs, starting, “Bel… I— whatever happened to you, it wasn’t your fault.”
“Yes, it was,” I tell him through gritted teeth, “I made my choices. I agreed to go somewhere alone with a boy, I chose to have a drink, and I kissed him. if I hadn’t wanted to, I could have done more or fought back, could have kept telling him no. But I didn’t. I didn’t make him stop.” The tears are falling in full force now, memories of that terrible night hitting me like a train.
The temperature in the room drops suddenly, and Caspian repeats my words back to me, the sinister tone in his voice freezing me to my spot, “Foughtback?”
I look up at him as he approaches me, shaking my head, “Don’t.” I put a hand against his chest to keep him away, as I don’t need or deserve his comfort.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Fritz stand, “I’m going to let you two discuss this privately, but I think you have your answer as to how it all happened.” He squeezes my shoulder as he walks past, telling me, “You are stronger than you feel right now. And we,” he gestures between himself and Caspian, “will be your strength until you believe it.”
Once he’s left the room, Caspian drags me to mine, drinks completely forgotten. He slams the door behind him, startling me. As he begins pacing, he demands, “What is his name?” I just shake my head. “Belissenda. Tell me his name, or I will start killingeveryman ineveryplace you’veeverlived until I find the right one.”
“Sam. His name is Sam, he’s from my home town. We were just kids!” I’m nearly screaming now.
“I do not want to hear you defend that filth one more fucking time, Bel,” he scolds, “Do you understand me?”
“Don’t fucking yell at me, Caspian! You don’t know anything about it! You weren’t there. I was,” my voice cracks on that final word, and I can’t find it in myself to care.
He sits on the side edge of my bed, reaching a hand out to me. “Itwasn’tyour fault, Bel,” he echoes Fritz’s words from earlier. Rather than bring comfort, it just makes my chest hurt.
I put my hand in his anyway, for his benefit obviously, “Of course it was. I-”
“Youtold him to stop. Youtoldhim. Whathedid was violate you. This is not an argument, nor a gray area. He took what was not his to have.” His voice is softer now, and I think I preferred the yelling. At least then, I could yell back.
“He took away the safety ofchoice.The moment saying no wasn’t safe, any agreement you made wasn’t real,” I keep shaking my head, not willing to remember it the way he’s painting it out to be. “Your virginity, sexuality, purity, or whatever else you mortals call it is intrinsically yours. It cannot be taken, whether by force or coercion. Did youwantto have sex with that man?”
“No.”
“And he knew that.” Not a question. A statement.
I nod and sniffle.
“So you had no choice, and yet here you stand, all these years later, with the weight ofhiswickedness on your shoulders,” he reaches up and wipes a tear with his thumb. I shake my head, readying another argument.
“Darling Dove, if you need more proof of what I say, I could not be here if it weren’t true. You heard Fritz, and he’s one of the oldest of our kind. I am here because you have not made thechoiceto give yourself to anyone,” he finishes.
Words fail me.How can I argue with that?
“You don’t deserve any of this pain he’s left you with.” he urges me, and I just glare at him. “Say it. Say it back to me.”
“I don’t deserve this,” it’s barely a mumble, but I say it.
“Hey, there’s my brave warrior,” he gently squeezes my hand. “I’ll have you repeat it every day until you believe it and can free yourself from the albatross around your neck.”
I can’t help myself, wrapping my arms around him. I need the physical comfort his huge body promises. He returns the hug, and I whisper, “You can’t kill him. He’s married. He has kids. He has a whole life.”
He freezes, “Hislifewas forfeit just for touching you against your will. Him allowing you to feel blame for it all this time has earned him the slowest, most painful death imaginable.” He pauses, “but you needn’t worry about that. Fritzy and I will take care of it.”
I can’t shake the sick feeling of knowing I’ve just condemned a man. But why should I worry about his life? He took more than my life from me. Seven years I’ve spent harboring shame over this. It won’t go away overnight, but I feel freer than I did an hour ago. This is the first time I’ve ever been able to recount that night without falling into a panic attack and spewing bile all over myself.
I don’t want to think about it anymore. I need something else to do, or else I’m going to spiral into that place again. As he draws soothing circles against my lower spine, I settle myself into his lap, straddling him. I slowly release his neck from the death grip I’ve had on it and pull back enough to look at his beautiful face, the rage still barely trapped under the surface.
His features look slightly sharper, his eyes foggy with the white trying to bleed through, and I can feel the tips of claws where he moves them against me. I lean in to kiss him, and he lets one hand wrap around the back of my head, cradling me gently.
As I rock my hips against him, he gives me a frustrated groan and pulls away, “Little Dove, do not tease me right now. I am barely restraining the monster as it is.”
I yank his mouth back to mine, biting his lower lip and pulling. There is nothing I want more than to ride my monster until we’re both sated and sleepy. “Please, Cas. I need you.”
He makes that noise again, enhanced by a growl in his chest. He all but moans my name, “Bel.Not tonight, baby.”
