By the time I wound up back within the town limits, the sky had darkened, and the feelings of unease and anger were running hot through my veins. Still unwilling to go back to an empty house, I made my way to the clubhouse. It was a Saturday night, so I knew there was probably a party going on. Figuring a few drinks with the guys should help distract me, I solidified my decision to head there—anything to keep me from obsessing over my fight with Fiona.
Pulling into the clubhouse a little before 9 p.m., it was clear I was right about the party. Walking into the main room, music was blasting, bodies were crushed together, and drinks were flowing. I looked around the room, spotting X and Eve at a table with Diesel and Bailey. The group looked happy. The couples only had eyes for their respective partners. There was an ease among them, unique to each of the people involved.
Diesel kept a protective hand on Bailey’s stomach at all times, while X’s usual cold, rigid demeanor only softened when he was speaking to his Old Lady. That was what I wanted, and I hated that they had it and I didn’t.
Forcing myself to look away, I spotted Bull seated at a table near the bar. He gave me a nod in greeting, and after grabbing a beer, I went to sit with him, avoiding the larger groups of happy, laughing people. I knew I was sulking, but I had reason to be upset.
“What crawled up your ass?” Bull asked before I finished chugging my first drink.
“What do you mean?” I replied, annoyed at his observation.
“You look like someone killed your dog, or you want to kill a dog. You tell me, bro,” he replied. I sighed. Finishing the beer and waving for another one, I decided to take him up on that, and words began flowing out of me.
Bull listened without interruption as I spilled my guts about asking Fiona to live with me, her determination to keep parts of herself from me, her refusal to take the next step with me. After I finally finished talking, recalling how I had walked out on Fee and landed there, I didn’t feel any better.
I waved a club girl over. She dropped a fresh bottle of beer in front of me, and I gulped it down in quick fashion before requesting another right away. I needed something so I didn’t think about Fee—anything to dull the pain of her rejection.
“You done now?” Bull asked, his deep voice catching me by surprise.
“What else is there to say?” I shrugged, and he shook his head.
“A lot. Maybe slow down on the beers so you can process some of it before you take the easy way out,” he said. I turned to him, surprised.
“The fuck?”
He sighed as if dealing with a small child. “Bash, you know Fiona more than I do, more than any of us. That being said, we all know she has issues. She didn’t come from a good situation. She was all alone, minding her own business in her own littlebubble before you and Charlie barged your way into her life.” I frowned, not loving that description, albeit accurate.
“You don’t cure years of trauma with a few dates and some good dick.”
“I never said that!” I replied. He once again gave me a knowing look.
“But it’s how you’re acting. This is her first serious relationship, right?” he stated rather than questioned, which had me snapping.
“It’s mine too! Don’t you see this is all new to me? Any hook up, arrangement, whatever you want to call it, with women before Fiona was not even close to what we have now. I have no road map to follow either. I’m just trying to go with my gut and my heart.”
Bull looked visibly surprised as he leaned back in his chair, appearing to digest what I was saying.
“That’s what pisses me off the most. It’s belittling to talk about my past in the same breath as what I have now with Fee, but you all continuously throw it in my face. I thought, by now, that she—all of you—would realize that she means so much more to me.”
It was a thought I had been meaning to get off my chest. I loved how everyone rallied around Fiona, accepting her into the group. What I didn’t love was the automatic assumption that I was the one who would fuck everything up.
“You’re right. I hadn’t thought about it that way, and I’m sorry I offended you,” Bull acquiesced, his hand rubbing his beard as he studied me. “Can I ask you a serious question, then?” he asked, leaning forward.
“Yeah, now’s the time for them,” I replied before draining the last of the beer in my hand.
“Have you told her you love her? Do you love her, that is?” I froze at that, unsure how to reply.
“You didn’t, did you? You haven’t even admitted it to yourself yet either,” Bull said. I got angry.
“I wouldn’t have asked her to move in if I didn’t see a future for us,” I told him.
“But are you in love with her?” Bull followed up, not budging, his voice calm and nonjudgmental, causing all the wind to leave my sails. It shouldn’t have been a hard question. It wasn’t a hard question. Just the idea of losing Fee, not having her by my side, caused a deep ache within me. When we weren’t together, it felt like something was missing.
“I feel like I can’t breathe unless I have her close. She’s the first thing I think of when I wake up, and the last thought in my head before I go to sleep. So, yeah, I’m pretty fucking sure I’m in love with her.”
“See? That wasn’t so hard. Maybe save the poetry for Fiona next time, once you fucking tell her you love her, that is.” I sighed, knowing he was right.
“I should call her,” I said, fumbling for my phone as the last few beers started to catch up to me.
