“I’ll call you,” he said, his back to me, his voice sounding distant and cold.
Choking on all my fear and anxiety, I couldn’t get anything out of my mouth. I was frozen, watching the door shut behind him.
Long after he left, once the sounds of his boots stomping down the stairs were nothing more than a distant echo, I stood in the same spot.
The flash of the twirling joyful girl had morphed into an old woman, hidden in the shadows. Her voice, low and downcast, paled in comparison to the melodic glory from just moments before. Once again, she whispered inside of me.
Well, you were expecting something bad to happen. Looks like you got impatient and mucked everything up yourself before anyone else could.
Everything I had feared would happen seemed to be occurring. The other shoe was dropping. Something bad had happened. What I wasn’t ready to admit until then was thatIwas that something bad. My fears, so much stronger than my dreams, indeed manifested, and I was the one to deliver the final blow.
Bash
Over the past few weeks, I had watched as Fiona poured over the books I had given to her. She was dutifully searching for evidence, working diligently to put together a case on behalf of the club. I was proud of her and proud to have her by my side. She had embraced the club life far better than I could have ever imagined. Every Brother was under her spell, and she had most of the club wrapped around her finger.
Despite the fact that I was aware there was an issue with the books, and was actively watching Fiona work on them, I had blocked out the reality of what that actually meant. It wasn’t until all the evidence was splayed before me that I acknowledged the magnitude of the betrayal that had occurred.
When she presented her findings, I was furious. I had not expected the clear, intentional drain on the club resources, hidden right under our noses.Angerwasn’t the appropriate term for what I was feeling. It didn’t feel like it held enoughweight. So many emotions were running through me as I mechanically drove us to Fiona’s apartment after the meeting.
Fury, fresh and burning, was running through me. It felt like my skin was on fire, and the only treatment would be the blood of the person who betrayed us. They had betrayed the Brotherhood on so many different levels, and we had let it happen for over a year. Only someone close—someone we wouldn’t think to look at—could pull it off.
That made me suspicious of everyone, which hurt on an entirely new level. My Brothers were supposed to be the people I could trust above everyone—trust above myself, at times. It threw everything I knew off its axis. I felt off-kilter, no longer tethered to the facts as I previously knew them. I wasn’t some naive schoolgirl. I knew not every Brother was a saint.
Being an asshole was one thing, but a thief was another. I felt like I had failed as VP, not noticing any signs of discontent to motivate that type of dissent. A moment of annoyance passed through me when I realized we had to drive back to Fiona’s apartment instead of going straight home like I wanted to.
That was another frustration on my list; the house was ready to move into, but Fiona hadn’t said anything about it. She barely kept anything there, despite my efforts to make sure she knew spaces were made for her, meant for her belongings. I kept quiet, not wanting to take anything out on her, knowing I was transferring my frustrations at not knowing who the thief was onto something stupid, like stopping at her place.
Once there, though, watching her walk back and forth, debating which items to put into her bag for the weekend, that frustration hit me again.What are we waiting for? We spend every night together, talk every day. What is the point of having two places to live?
“Why don’t you just move in with me already?” I remember asking, even though I knew that wasn’t the best way to go aboutit. My ability to filter my words, to articulate how much I wanted her by my side, flew out the window at that moment. I was tense and emotional, which seemed to limit my vocabulary.
She seemed completely perplexed by the question, taken off guard on such a level it only fueled my upset. Was she not thinking about it like I was? Did she not care as much as me? Why was I the only one thinking about the future? I felt like I had laid myself bare to her, allowed her in, allowed myself to be vulnerable, and it felt like it was for nothing.
Fiona still didn’t trust me. She still didn’t believe in me, in us.Someone like yourang through my head. For all her time spent worrying about what people think about her, she was quick to pass assumptions on to me. A loud buzzing noise filled my head as she listed off how my history of fucking around meant I was the one who controlled the pace of the relationship.
It was unfair for the responsibility to be on me because I was more experienced than her. When it came to relationships—a serious relationship—this was new to both of us. We were supposed to figure it out together, as a team.
When we had fought after that file, she pointed out that I was treating her like she was a Brother, bossing her around. That hit hard, and was a dynamic I definitely didn’t want between us. The past few months, I had been working to show her, to collaborate, to communicate so I didn’t repeat that error.
I know the way I had asked her to move in was not the smoothest, but I stood by what I said. I tried to include her in as many aspects of my life as I could, in all the important decisions. The only aspect I left her out of was club business, and even that was getting harder.
Now that she had access to all the club books, she probably had an even better understanding of how the club ran than I did. My slipup regarding Seph’s Trail earlier was a long time coming. I had wanted to tell Fiona about it, to hear her ideas and get heropinion on things we could do to make the women and children more comfortable in the facility we were building.
I had imagined her working with Ma and Seph on the more personal details, and I knew it was something they would love as well. I loved seeing her with the women in my life. Charlie was thriving, and Ma and Seph adored Fee. My only issue with it was that it meant they took up more of Fiona’s time, leaving less for me.
When she said she thought it was too soon, something hardened in me. I could see it for the thinly veiled protest it was. A way to hold parts of herself back, to protect herself. It angered me that she wouldn’t admit how she felt, and wouldn’t give all of herself to me.
“You want more time. I’ll give it to you,” I spat out, needing to leave the apartment, needing to walk away from her before I said something I couldn’t come back from. I didn’t give her a chance to respond as I stumbled out of the apartment, hopping in my car and speeding away. With each passing mile, the more upset and frustrated I got.
I had never felt that way before, and the emotions were overwhelming. Anger was the easiest one to settle on, to fuel me. When I pulled into the driveway, I hesitated, frozen in my car. I didn’t want to go inside, unwilling to walk around the large house with all of the reminders of Fee and the future I’d thought we were heading toward.
Without giving it too much thought, I switched to the bike and quickly got back on the road. I didn’t have a direction in mind, I just wanted to keep moving, hoping the open road would help clear my head, settle myself.
More than an hour passed, and I found myself winding down rural roads, admiring the wide open fields and farm animals lazily chewing on grass.
The road began to curve upward, and I found myself on a steep incline. When I reached the top, I realized I had ridden up a mountain and was now at the peak, able to see miles around me. I stopped the bike and got off to admire the view. Excitement ran through me, and my first instinct was to take Fee there, wishing I could share the moment with her.
Shaking my head, I got back on my bike and started the long drive back into town. This time, the ride was slower, more tedious, and the churning in my head and gut hadn’t lessened. It felt like every fiber of my being was calling out for Fiona, wanting her near me, wrapped around me. I knew Fee cared about me, but I was afraid that she wasn’t experiencing the same bone-deep need that ate at me.
