But if that was how she wanted to deal with the situation, she needed to understand that I would step up to make sure that was a safe option. I wanted Fee to keep living her life, her parents and childhood in the rearview mirror.
I wanted to make sure they didn’t get their grubby hands on any part of the life she had worked so hard to build for herself. She had to see me, though, had to see the man I was and what it meant to be with me.
“You want to keep them away. That means preparing for them to come back—the one thing you absolutely avoid thinking about.” It may have been a bit harsh, but I needed her to know that I understood, that Isawher.
At that moment, I watched as a part of her snapped, Fee’s anger fading as a look of fear flashed over her when I mentioned the possibility of a confrontation with her parents in the future. With that fear, another layer of the real Fiona was unveiled,vulnerable and unsure. If the mere mention of her parents could do that, I didn’t want to imagine what seeing them in person would do to her.
As if getting too close to the edge of facing her fears and emotions, I could see as she visibly tried to rebuild some of those walls, flip the conversation. She turned on her socked foot, stalking into the bedroom. I waited, curious to see what her next move was, how much she would push both of us until we worked through it. I refused to believe that this was it for us.
Under all my bluster, I could admit that I hadn’t done right by her, not in this situation. There was way more in that file than just her parents’ location. I had my own copy that I’d read over and over, memorizing every detail. Rather than clearing up any questions I may have had, reading it had only generated more. If I had just asked Fiona directly, it could have been avoided.
When she stormed back into the living room, she had the file in her hands, and she haphazardly tossed it across the coffee table. Muttering to herself, I watched helplessly as she pawed through the documents in search of something specific. Finding what she was looking for, she yanked a photograph from the pile before marching over to me.
Her breathing was heavy as she stood before me, a mugshot of her mother next to her face. I wasn’t sure what she wanted from me, but her hand shook the photo in my face, and I couldn’t help but try to see any similarity between Fee and the woman in that picture. It felt like she was trying to horrify me, push me away, as if that mugshot was a reflection on her. But I wasn’t sure how.
What unsettled me the most was the look in her eyes. It wasn’t fear, just a bone-deep sadness. As if the photo would act as some sort of repellant, that all of us would slink away in fear of the haggard crackhead who shared Fee’s last name.
Taking a deep breath, I felt like my teeth were on the verge of cracking from the amount of force it took me to keep calm.I leaned forward, studying the photo. It would be easy to comment on her looks or the prostitution charge. Those were low-hanging fruit, and I was disappointed that Fee thought so low of me that I would use her parents’ sins against her.
I had memorized every charge, every note, every photo in that file. None of it was new to me. I knew her mom was already out of jail, that she had barely served six months for that prostitution arrest, even with her history of repeat offenses. So, I replied with the information I learned from that picture, the one that mattered the most to me when I first saw it.
“Wish they had gotten her on more charges so she stayed locked away for the rest of her life.” Fiona looked at me, dumbfounded, the hand holding the photo starting to shake as she lowered it to her side. I saw the war going on inside her, and could no longer handle the distance between us.
I stepped away from the couch and pulled her into my arms. She was stiff and reluctant, but relaxed visibly once my hands got on her. Her mind might have been telling her one thing, but her body had different ideas. She looked up at me, her eyes conveying more than she would ever say out loud.
Even though Fiona had cut ties to her family and slowly started to flourish, she still clearly carried around a weight, a distorted view of the world, born from living under the same roof as two cockroaches who only existed off other people. It seemed to me that almost everyone in Fee’s life had failed her, telling her she wasn’t worth anything.
Atlas had proved that when he didn’t come back for her, when he didn’t put any protections in place before he left. She proved that by only asking for the bare minimum for herself, out of almost every aspect of her life. This was about more than just maintaining the physical distance between her and them.
With every passing second of her standing before me, with that picture in her shaking hand, it became clearer; there wasfar more going on in my girl’s head than I had initially thought. It didn’t seem to be just about running from a shit life and shit people. It wasn’t just about Fiona feeling embarrassed about her parents’ extensive rap sheets.
She was afraid. Not that they would find her, though. With horror, it dawned on me that she might have believed that, one day, she would turn into her parents, no matter how hard she tried not to. Fee didn’t expect more, didn’t believe she was worthy of more than what she saw growing up.
My heart broke for her, and I hated myself for going about things in the entirely wrong way. Not wanting to make the same mistake—making assumptions about Fiona or her needs without talking to her—I tried to right the path we were on. I wanted to make sure I understood where she was coming from.
If Fee did believe she was destined to become her mother, I need her to admit it, so I could start the process of proving to her how completely wrong she was. Looking down at her, I finally asked the question I needed to know, that I would only get an answer to if I asked her directly.
“What is it you expected me to say? Be honest, Fiona. There has to be honesty between us. You have to tell me what it is you’re afraid of,” I pleaded.
Chapter 16
Fiona
How did we get here, standing under the dilapidated lights in my rundown apartment with all my shameful secrets laid out in black and white?I didn’t know which emotion was taking the lead within me.
As much as Bash was insisting he had done it to protect me, there was more to it than that. It would have been simple to ask me if they could look them up, if I wanted to know where my parents were.
Instead, he took the choice out of my hands. Charlie and Bash went behind my back and did what they thought was best for me. In the process, they got to see and read about details of my life that only I had the right to share. It felt like he wanted to skip ahead in the relationship, get a Cliffnotes version of my life so they could learn my trauma without waiting for me.
If he was so desperate for me to reveal all my secrets, to see all the ugly truths, then I wasn’t going to hide it anymore. He was bringing my demons into the light, so I was going to make sure he took a hard look as well.Be careful what you wish for, the truth is never neat and tidy.Grasping the photo in my hand, I tried to shove it in his face, to make Bash see.
“This is who I come from! This is who I have to work every day not to become. This is my future, my destiny. Making it atall means making it through life without an arrest or winding up broke and on the streets.
“That’s all I can ask for in this life. I was never meant to be anything more. That woman, she’s just the version of me I’m destined to become. No matter how far I run, that’s what flows through my veins. I can’t escape that,” I said, unaware that tears were pouring down my face.
I looked down at the scattered photos and documents surrounding me, stripping away at my dignity. Bash’s arms were around me in the next second, and as much as I tried to fight against it, I was overtaken with the desire to cling to him, to just fall to pieces and let him put me back together again.
“Wanna know what that file tells me about you?” he whispered into my hair, causing me to straighten, attempting to pull out of his arms, but he only tightened his grip.
