I led Jackson over to the couch, where we both sat down, facing each other. A million thoughts ran through my head, but he broke the silence first.
“I failed you. I should have been there for you growing up, should have never lost contact. I don’t even have a good reason, other than being young and dumb. God, you don’t know how much I regret the time we lost together. I understand if you don’t want to see or speak to me again, but I’m not sorry for the tracker. I can’t lose you. Not when I just found you.” He touched the charm bracelet, and I smiled.
“You were young and a coward,” I conceded.
“Hey! I said, ‘dumb,’” he corrected, and I shrugged
“You were a young, dumb coward then.” I eyed him, daring him to argue, but he surprised me.
“I was. I definitely was,” he replied.
“I can’t make up for the time apart, and I can’t just act like you leaving wasn’t something that affected me in a serious way. Thatbeing said, I’d like to find a way forward for us, to learn about who you are now. I can’t tell you what that looks like, though, what I’m ready for yet,” I told him, muddling my way through my emotions.
“Just knowing you’re willing to leave the door open, a chance to come in sometime, is enough for me.”
He gave me a sad smile, reminding me so much of the young boy who tried so hard to make things seem better than they were, to protect me from the ugliest parts of life. Leaning over, I surprised him by initiating another hug.
“I’ve missed you,” I admitted, the statement ripped from a part buried inside of me. “I needed you. I needed someone to talk to. This life, the one I have now with Bash and the club. I’m constantly afraid it’s gonna disappear, that they’ll find out about my past and want nothing to do with me. They don’t understand what it was like, how people turn so easily. How do I get past this? How do I stop myself from ruining it?”
There was something liberating about talking to Jackson. I didn’t have to pretend to be anything I wasn’t. I didn’t have to be strong or smart. He better than anyone knew what I was like at my lowest.
“You let them love you. Everytime they tell you how amazing you are you stop and digest it, make sure you let yourself believe it. You’re not just surviving anymore, Fee. You’re thriving. You’ve got an entire army of men, ready to fight for you. A whole family, sitting here ready to protect you. Let them. Let them love you. It’s real, and it’s for you.”
His words ran through me, hitting every fear and discomfort that I’d tried to bury. Afraid if I tried to speak I would cry, all I could do was nod in response.
“I’m going to head out now. I just needed to see you, to know you were safe.” I started to protest, but he stopped me.
“You’ve been through a lot, Fiona. You’re exhausted and emotionally overloaded. We don’t need to add any more than I already have just by being here now. We have time. I’ll be here whenever you want to talk. Next week, next month, or next year. You call, and I’ll come running. We can’t fix this in one conversation. Now, go enjoy dinner with your family. Bash has my number if you need to reach me.”
With one last hug, I walked him to the door. I hovered on the porch watching as he got on his bike and rode away. Hope, fragile and tenuous,ran through me.Can I move on? Can I forgive him and have a new relationship, or will I always resent him?Bash stepped out onto the porch once Jackson’s bike left the property.
“Why don’t you come inside? We can go back to bed after you eat something.” Bash’s voice was soft, his face understanding. He was giving me space to process the conversation before discussing it with him. Standing up on my tiptoes, I pulled him down for a kiss.
“Can we order Italian? I’m craving Fettuccine Alfredo,” I told him, and he smiled.
“Anything for you.” After calling in a complicated and large order, Guard went to pick up the food.
Dinner was an easy affair, no heavy topics, and full of light conversation. At the end of the meal, there were more leftovers than food eaten, but I wasn’t complaining.
Sometime after my second serving, I couldn’t stop yawning, and Bash immediately started ushering everyone out of the house. Before leaving, Cece pulled me aside to let me know I had an appointment with my OBGYN for the next day, jolting me back to reality.
It was well past 3 a.m., and Bash was asleep next to me, his arm wrapped around my body, keeping me from moving too farfrom him. He had been especially growly and protective since everything that went down with Crow. Despite the late hour, I was wide awake, thoughts racing.
Pregnant.The word rolled around in my head and hovered on the tip of my tongue since I heard the heartbeat. Yet,I didn’t know how to tell Bash. I was having a hard time dealing with the fact myself. Part of me felt like I should wait until I saw my doctor, but that didn’t sit right with me.
Tears welled in my eyes, and I cursed all the emotions running through me.Is this what my entire pregnancy is going to be like?Not to mention, fear that there might be damage from my time in the paint shop plagued me. I turned to look at the lights glowing from the alarm clock in the dark bedroom.
Now, with the news that I was pregnant…How would Bash react? Would the possessiveness and bossiness get worse? Would it scare him away? We were still fairly new, barely together a year…
My heart started racing, and I was afraid I was going to throw up. I slipped out of bed and padded to the bathroom, where I rinsed my face with some cool water.
Thankfully, the nausea passed, so I threw a robe on before heading downstairs to make myself a cup of tea. The familiar process of setting up my cup, then climbing into my favorite spot on the oversized sofa, comforted me.
From my perch, I could look out the French doors that opened up into the backyard, the majority of the property and the creek just barely in sight. I couldn’t wait until it was warm enough to pop out on the deck, no matter how early or late in the day. It was far too cold now, with Thanksgiving around the corner. Bash had offered to host dinner there, I had never had a proper Thanksgiving meal, complete with Turkey carving and side dishes.
More tears pooled in my eyes, a mixture of disbelief, fear and excitement. I put my hand over my stomach, stretching my fingers apart trying to understand how a life could be growing in there. Not one given to supernatural or fanciful notions, I still wanted to make a promise to my baby, wanting them to feel all the love and protection I would provide them.
“No matter what happens, I’m going to make sure you have a beautiful life, baby,” I whispered, the words becoming immutable once I spoke them out loud.
