“So, we’re going to be grandparents,” Adrian said. “I’m really excited and proud.”
“Me, too. It was a big surprise.”
The mention of their daughter allowed their conversation to warm and flow.
“You should see Phoebe. She looks different already. She’s glowing and has a little rounded belly. I invited her over for tea last night,” Adrian said. “Can you believe she couldn’t face eating the cheese sandwich I made for her? She’s always loved cheddar.”
Ginny’s face fell a little. She wanted to see the curve of her daughter’s stomach, too, and her chest tightened with home sickness. The distance away from her family suddenly felt like a chasm. She rubbed her tautness away and tried to process her husband’s words. “So, Phoebe came over to Dave and Linda’s house?” she clarified.
“Well, no, not exactly.” Adrian hesitated. “I offered to make her a sandwich in our kitchen. I, um, moved back into our house a couple of days ago.”
His revelation felt like a karate chop to her throat and Ginny propped herself upright in bed. “Really?” was all she could manage to say. Picturing him sitting in his home office to message Jenny made her feel angry and queasy. “Are you trying to rub salt into my wounds?” she asked.
“I thought you’d be pleased. You said it’s what you wanted.”
“Maybe I’m not so sure any longer...”
“Oh.” He sounded crestfallen. “I know we have lots to discuss, but I felt like a spare part living with my friends, and our house was just sitting there empty. It made sense for me to come home.”
Ginny couldn’t argue with his logic, but where was his emotion? Where was Adrian’s groveling apology? He’d made a huge assumption about moving back home without asking her if it was okay first. Did he expect things to return to normal between them, as if nothing had happened? Or was his coming home a temporary thing?
“It’s our anniversary tomorrow,” Adrian said quietly, plugging the gap in their conversation. “It’ll be weird not celebrating it with you. Will you be doing anything to mark the occasion?”
It was a strange question, after he’dlefther. Ginny had lost track of her days on holiday and hadn’t thought much about it, other than noting her anniversary was the same day as Loretta’s eighteenth.
“Are there any nice bars where you’re staying?” Adrian added, before she could answer. “Are the people you’re holidaying with nice?”
It sounded like he was trying to pry or organize her, and Ginny didn’t like it. Though, she supposed it was how she used to treat him. “Oh, don’t worry about me,” she said, not caring if she sounded petulant. “My only plan is to have fun with my new friends.”
Adrian was silent for a while. “Look, I know I owe you a big apology, for the way I’ve treated you,” he said, letting out a sigh. “I’m really sorry.”
Ginny gritted her teeth. “I think you mean agargantuanapology.”
“Yes, yes I do. I’ve been under lots of pressure at work, just like you said, and I didn’t realize it. Taking some time apart, staying with Dave and hearing Phoebe’s lovely news has brought things into perspective. I don’t want us to live separate lives when the baby arrives. We’re a family and should be together.”
Ginny screwed up her eyes, trying to decipher what he was saying. His apology was a long time coming and it made her feel numb. Was Adrian saying he wanted to work on their marriage? Or did he just want to put on a united front for their daughter’s sake? Things couldn’t just slot back to how they were previously. There’d have to be great change between them.
Ginny felt like she was trying to flee the maze in her dream again. She needed time to think about her relationship with Adrian and do things on her own terms. “Perhaps you should have thought about all this before you joined a dating site,” she said.
“I understand I’ve hurt you—” Adrian started.
“That’s the understatement of the year.” Ginny slid out of bed and carried the phone into the bathroom. She put Adrian on speaker while she cleaned her teeth.
“Phoebe’s talking about moving her wedding forward and I think we should be together for that,” he said. “Please give it some thought. I’m sorry I messed up. Twenty-five years of marriage is too good to throw away.” He paused and cleared his throat. “I still love you,” he said.
Ginny gripped her toothbrush at his use of the L word. She hadn’t heard him say it for a long time. It was a word some people threw around like birdseed, whereas others treated it like a precious gift. Adrian was one of the latter.
When they’d first dated, they used to whisper it to each other between kisses, reassuring each other, treating each other. Over time, it had morphed into a habitual addition to the end of phone calls, or as they left the house, “Love you, bye...”
When Phoebe was born, Ginny and Adrian had bestowed the word on their daughter, so it took on a different meaning yet again. This wasn’t a romantic love, it was one of protection and all-encompassing pride.
Although Ginny could admit to herself that she still loved Adrian, she didn’t know what shape the word took for him any longer. SayingI love youback to him would sound like forgiveness that she wasn’t ready to give. It would mean excusing his presence on the dating site or pretending it never happened. It hadn’t been long since he started to message Jenny, sparking up an online relationship without knowing it was with his own wife. If Ginny admitted her ruse to him, right now, she didn’t know if Adrian would laugh it off or be angry with her. And if she didn’t knowthat, how well did she really knowhim?
Ginny looked at her reflection in the bathroom mirror, at her messy hair and toothpaste on her chin, and she wondered if Adrian would still say those words if he could see her like this. Perhaps he was saying them out of habit, or even as a bargaining tool.
She quietly spat out and rinsed her mouth, feeling frayed around the edges. She thought about Curtis again and how life was so short and what she’d do in his situation, with time literally ticking away. Would she try to get back with her husband? Or not?
“I really am sorry,” Adrian repeated. “It’s difficult talking on the phone. You’ll be back home in a few days’ time and we can work everything out then. We’ve always been there for each other and I know it’s whatIwant...”
