He said it jokingly, but they caught each other’s eye, both knowing there was something special between them.
If Liv could go back, in the time machine mentioned in Essie’sBook Aheadinterview, she might whisper in her own ear, ‘Slow down a bit, Liv. You’ve only just met him. Are you sure he doesn’t do this for his other dates, too? Do you want to settle down with the first guy who shows you any interest?’ But she was so wrapped up in him, she doubted she’d have listened.
As time passed, she and Jake chose Mack and Johnny’s names out of a baby book while watching TV. The little leather notebook still sat in her bedside drawer at home, waiting for her to use it.
Liv focused her attention back on her son. ‘I liked that your dad was older than me. He seemed so clever and mature, not like anyone I’d met before,’ she told him.
Johnny slid his foot off her knee. ‘I’m never getting married. It’s weird promising to stay with one person forever.’
When he said it like that, it sounded true.
‘It’s like a partnership,’ Liv said. ‘Someone is there for you during the good times and bad, to support and love you. And you’re there for them. Of course, sometimes they drive you nuts…’ She took a moment to consider her relationship with Jake. If she could score a line onto a wall for each argument they’d had recently, or the times he drove her crazy, the count would be much higher than the smiles-and-hugs column.
She supposed it wasn’t inconceivable that Johnny suspected an affair, on either her side or Jake’s. She currently devoted more time to Essie than she did to her husband,and Paperpress had felt like a mistress to him for a long time.
The trouble was, Liv was feeling more alive than she had done for years. Jake’s attention and affection towards her had been dwindling for a while, and she’d found an exciting replacement, with Essie, and her new role.
After she’d had Mack and Johnny, Liv had been full of happy hormones, like she was floating on a cloud when she pushed their prams. After that came the flurry of nursery runs, grazed knees, ironing small clothes, rushing off to work and back again. She’d enjoyed the hectic whirl of life, until it was gradually replaced with a creeping sensation of losing her identity and direction, as she neared her forties.
And now, she was embracing changes she’d always shied away from. Uncovering new confidence. Worries she’d had about trying new things were falling away from her, as if she was shedding heavy armour. Her body felt freer and lighter. It was something she didn’t want to stop. But she would have to be more careful.
Sometimes you had to make decisions and build them on whatever foundations you had closest to you. Even if you couldn’t tell if they were made of sand or concrete.
She turned and fixed her son with a reassuring smile. ‘Really, you’ve got nothing to worry about,’ she said. ‘Me and your dad are doing just fine.’
Chapter 22
Strawberry Tart
Liv and her mum met every so often on Sundays, at a local café or Italian chain restaurant.
Sorrento’s, a new upscale eatery, had opened on the outskirts of the city, and Liv booked a table for two. It was the kind of place Essie might have dined at once. Liv had been writing hard since returning from Croatia a couple of weeks ago, and welcomed the break from her work. She’d just been paid and wanted to do something nice with her mum before the money got swallowed up by bills and Paperpress again.
She took a taxi to her mum’s house and asked the driver to wait outside. She had her own door key and let herself inside the bungalow.
Her mum’s hallway always looked nice and homey. The carpet was patterned and worn and a purple glass vase with a silk flower display had sat on a slim table for years. Carol’s shoes and slippers were set in a line against the wall.
When Liv’s dad died, her mum had entered a state of shock, unable to think or function properly. Liv had to cook and clean for weeks, battling against her own landslide of emotions and with her mind playing tricks on her.Sometimes, she could swear that her dad was still at home before she remembered he was gone, and that she’d never see him ever again.
Extremely worried about both Carol and Liv, Peggy had invited them to stay with her. Her house was a couple of hundred miles away and, at first, Liv was glad of the change. Her mum needed her sister, and she knew whispers would be rattling around school about her dad, just as they did when another pupil had lost a parent.
Carol lay in Peggy’s spare bedroom in the dark, refusing to eat. The doctor said she was suffering from a deep depression. Their stay with Peggy lasted for so long Liv had to join a new school. The kids pounced on the chance to torment a bereaved new girl, and Liv’s only consolation was Essie’s visit and winning her signed copy ofThe Moon on the Water.
When Carol and Liv eventually returned home to their bungalow, almost a year had passed. They both tried to blank out the date and event of Grant’s death, choosing to focus on positive aspects of his life instead, such as looking at his favourite books together.
When Liv rejoined her old school, she had grown by two inches and cut her hair short. Different friendship groups had formed, so fitting back in proved difficult.
In the evening, while other kids were hanging out on the local field, sneaking cigarettes and first kisses, Liv stayed at home and read library books with her mum, feeling responsible for her health and happiness. They both liked Maeve Binchy, Rosamunde Pilcher and Essie Starling. The stories slowly helped Carol to find her smile again.
Nevertheless, Liv felt like she’d lost a chunk of herself, of her education and concentration,that could never be recovered. She felt like she’d been climbing a ladder and had slid back down to the bottom rung, skinning her shins on the way. She wished her dad was here to stroke her hair and tell her things would be okay.
When Liv turned sixteen, she heard her classmates chattering excitedly about joining the sixth form, or a local college. Liv just wanted to leave school. She struggled to focus on her exams and knew extra money would help out at home. Carol had a couple of cleaning jobs, and Liv thought it was something she could do, too.
In the bungalow, she called out to her mum. ‘Hiya. Are you ready for lunch?’
‘I’m starving, love,’ Carol said as she appeared in the hallway. She picked up a box off the hallway table and put it in her handbag. ‘I could eat a mouldy muffin.’
Liv laughed. ‘Me, too.’
