I don't answer right away. It’s like admitting I love someone so awful could mean I’ve relinquished all of my power, something I’ve come to learn Dale sees as paramount.
Her words don’t offend me. They’re fair.
I glance down at the ring, the silver band warm against my skin, the emerald feeling like a watchful eye. I don’t know if the word “love” even fits in the world we belong to. It feels too small. It feels too light, soft, and far too delicate for what I think of Hayden.
“I’ve given him something a little more lasting than love,” I say.
Dale goes quiet, the slight smile on her lips slowly fading into something closer to judgment but not quite.
“…God, you didn’t do the…” she whispers, not finishing her sentence.
I nod.
And for a moment, neither of us says anything.
Dale picks up a sugar almond and rolls it between her fingers. She’s quiet for a pause, then asks like she disapproves, “Are you coming back to school?”
The question lands like a cold draft.
I look away out toward the window, where the garden hedges blur into the gray afternoon.
“I’m not so sure,” I say.
“Not this term?”
I shake my head. “Maybe. Hayden seems to have some reason why I can’t return right now, although he won’t discuss it.”
She watches me. “God, Martine, I’m struggling to keep my questions to myself, but is that whatyouwant?”
I take a breath. “I don't know what I want right now.”
She leans forward slightly, resting her elbows on her knees. “Is it Hayden?”
I pause. Then nod. “I want to be with him. He thinks the only place safe for me is his home, and I hope, Eulogia.”
Dale takes that in, slowly. “But you’re not in danger, are you?”
I glance down at the emerald ring, turning it slightly on my finger. “Not in the way you’re thinking, plus, it’s impossible to get any information out of Hayden. But I do know…this world I’m part of now, it has ruthless expectations.”
“And he doesn’t trust you to be out there alone?”
“It’s not about trust,” I say. “It’s about control. And I let him have it.”
Dale blinks. “Why?”
“Because I lost my family. My entire sense of direction. And Hayden…” I pause, choosing my words carefully. “He stepped in.”
“His way,” she echoes, quietly.
I meet her gaze. “I know what it looks like. But it’s not cruel. It’s just, he doesn’t know how to be any other way.”
She’s quiet for a moment, but I can feel her weighing something.
She shifts, softening her tone. “I’m having a few people over Friday night. At the flat. Stelle, Ambrose, Walker… just something low-key. Music, wine, nothing dramatic. You should come.”
I smile, grateful she’s not pushing.
“I’d like to, but I doubt I’ll be able to.”
