“What are you saying?”
“Brother Marcus has operatives throughout the city.Some willing, some coerced.Those sisters of mercy?They’re his watchers, placed here specifically to observe our reactions.To gauge our loyalty—or lack thereof.”
I thought of the eldest nun’s weathered hands, so gentle as she’d tended to Desiderius.The younger ones who’d fetched water and oils with such practiced efficiency.All of it a performance?“They’re not real nuns?”
“Oh, they’re real enough.They’ve taken vows, wear the habit, and perform the duties.But they’re sympathetic to Marcus’s cause.”
Understanding dawned.“Then Desiderius, Ruth, Rebecca.If those nuns weren’t helping them—“
“Marcus knew you’d need inspiration.A motivation to use the Gilded Cross as he intends.The consecrated ground proved you were ready to use it.It also weakened your friends, making them easier to subdue.”
“But he doesn’t understand what the Cross truly does,” I said slowly.“He thinks it’s just a weapon, meant to destroy the damned.”
“While in reality, it judges the heart of the one who wields it.”Gabriel nodded.“His hatred, his self-righteousness, his willingness to orchestrate such elaborate cruelty—the Cross will reflect all of that back at him.If he were to wield it himself.I think he knows it, though he’d never admit it.”
“That’s a contradiction.If he thinks I can be holy enough to wield the Gilded Cross rightly, but he still thinks I’m a monster that needs to be destroyed, how does he reconcile all of that?”
“He doesn’t.”Gabriel shook his head.“He’s blind, Alice.Blind by his thirst for vengeance.He justifies it by telling himself that it’s too risky for a mortal to wield, that his flesh cannot bear the light, that he’d never be able to get close enough to hostile vampires or witches to use it properly.But it’s really just a way of avoiding the conundrum.The destructive power of the Gilded Cross tempts him to use it to fulfill his mission, but to actually use it he has to effectively rely on the very kind of person he thinks he hates.”
“Sounds like it’s not vampires he hates.It’s himself.”
“I agree.”Gabriel sighed.“But that’s the thing about self-loathing.It will masquerade as hatred towards others, his resentments he has against himself, how he failed to save his sister, how his anger led to his excommunication, all get channeled into a visceral loathing of others—vampires, especially.”
I moved to the window, looking out at the darkness beyond.Somewhere out there, Marcus waited in his certainty, believing he’d crafted the perfect trap.
“I hope you’re ready,” Gabriel said behind me, and there was something in his voice I hadn’t heard before.Something almost...protective.“Whatever you decide, Alice, it has to be now.Marcus won’t wait much longer before sending others to check on our progress.”
I nodded firmly.I was as ready as I’d ever be.I finally understood.My mission wasn’t to defeat Marcus or destroy the Gilded Cross.It wasn’t even to save my companions or escape this trap.It was to do what Christ himself had done—to walk willingly into suffering for the sake of love.
Marcus, in his hatred, had lost his way.He’d forgotten that redemption was possible for everyone, that grace could transform even the most corrupted soul.He’d become so focused on destroying evil that he’d become evil himself.And now, someone needed to show him another way.Someone needed to demonstrate that power could be surrendered, that suffering could be redemptive, that love was stronger than judgment.
Someone like me.A monster who’d learned to love.A predator who’d chosen to starve rather than harm.A creature of darkness who’d found light in the most unexpected places.
“We need to leave immediately.”
Gabriel’s eyes widened slightly.“I agree, but are you sure you’re prepared?”
“I’m going where I’m needed,” I said, moving toward the door.“My companions are suffering.Those nuns are in danger.And Marcus...Marcus most of all needs saving, though he doesn’t know it.”
“You might not survive this,” Gabriel added.“It might cost you everything.”
“Perhaps,” I acknowledged, my hand finding the door handle.“But isn’t that what love does?I think it’s time I take up my cross—this horrible curse lain on my back—and follow.”
I pulled the door open; the corridor beyond dark as a tomb.But the Host’s warmth remained, a tiny sun burning in my chest, lighting my way forward.Whatever waited for me I would meet it with open hands and an open heart.
After all, I’d learned from the Carmelites that sometimes the only way out was through.And sometimes, the greatest victory looked exactly like defeat.
Chapter 17
Iburstfromthemission’s doorway into the night, the frigid January air knifing against my face.Gabriel followed, his footsteps heavy and uncoordinated behind me—a far cry from the silent, predatory movement that our nature should have granted him.
“Where?”Gabriel’s voice cracked behind me, all pretense of control abandoned.“Alice, where are we going?”
I didn’t answer immediately.Couldn’t really.Not with the sudden pull that seized my consciousness like fingers closing around my throat.The sire bond—that invisible tether connecting me to Ruth and Rebecca—had transformed from its usual whisper into a scream.Not the controlled connection I’d tentatively explored before, but something raw and desperate, a drowning child’s hand breaking the water’s surface.
I felt their agony like a knife between my ribs.“Something’s happening to them,” I choked out, veering into an alley where the stench of decay hung thick as fog.My boots sent dark liquid spattering against brick walls as I ran.
Gabriel matched my stride, but grace had abandoned him.He’d told me the truth, everything I needed to know, but now it was my connection to Ruth and Rebecca that guided us like a compass—or like a piece of cheese waiting in a mousetrap.
