I took a deep breath.“I want to be a saint.”
Rebecca burst out laughing so hard I thought she was going to fall on the street.“A saint?You can’t be a saint, Alice.Most humans can’t even do it.It’s almost impossible.Much less for something like us.”
I didn’t let it phase me.I kept my eyes fixed forward.“I said what I said.If it depended on me, it would be impossible.With God, all things are possible.”
Rebecca just tilted her head.For a moment it was as if she actually saw how serious I was about it, like she got it.But then, like a glimmer, she lost focus again.She shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly.“Well, good luck with that.You still have to eat somehow.”
Desiderius’s voice drifted back, measured and practical as always.“Your principles will mean nothing if you’re too weak to defend yourself.Or us.”He paused at the next intersection, his ancient eyes scanning the shadows.“I took what I needed from the donors.Selective feeding, controlled, purposeful.There’s no shame in survival, Alice.”
“It’s not about shame.”I shook my head.“It’s not even about survival.So long as my appetites are turned toward blood, toward vengeance, toward even pleasant and harmless things, I run the risk of succumbing to my nature.I will never be able to ascend toward God, toward my true love.”
“Your true love?”Desiderius tilted his head.“I thought you were raised a Puritan.”
I shrugged.“I was.And I’m grateful for my upbringing.I have nothing against my late Father or what he taught me.But now I’m seeking something more; I’m entering the fullness of truth.And it demands more than what’s convenient.When we’re called to follow our Lord, he bids us to follow Him in death.If I follow him in death, even undeath, I have to believe he’ll take me the rest of the way into life.”
“You’re destroying yourself,” Desiderius whispered, his voice barely carrying over the distant sounds of the city.“And for what?Pride?Stubbornness?”
“For my soul,” I whispered back, though I wasn’t sure he heard me.
The others had started moving again, and I forced myself to follow.Each step was an act of will, each breath unnecessary but taken anyway to maintain the illusion that I was still somehow human.But I wasn’t human.I wished I still had my books with me, but I’d left them in my room.I’d memorized the best parts.To possess everything, possess nothing.To be everything, be nothing.
When time I’d fed after we first made it to New York, I’d felt pieces of myself slip away, all the progress I’d made under Father’s guidance evaporating like morning dew.The blood would fill my veins, strengthen my limbs, sharpen my senses, but it would also drag me deeper into the abyss of what I’d become.
“There,” Desiderius pointed ahead.“The mission.”
Through the haze of my weakness, I could make out the building—a converted warehouse from the looks of it, its windows glowing softly with candlelight.The Sisters of Perpetual Mercy.If Brother Marcus was right, vampires sheltered within those walls.If Gabriel’s warning held truth, something else entirely awaited us.
My companions moved forward with predatory grace, energized by their recent feeding, ready for whatever violence the night might bring.I followed on unsteady legs, the thirst roaring in my ears, my vision tunneling at the edges.But I would not feed.I would not surrender.Even if it meant my destruction, I would face this trial with what remained of my humanity intact.
I quickened my pace despite the protest of my weakened muscles, drawing alongside Gabriel as the others moved ahead toward the mission’s entrance.The question had been burning in my throat since we’d left Marcus’s chamber, and now, with the others distracted by their approach to our target, I finally gave it voice.
“Why priests?”I kept my voice low, though I knew the others could hear if they chose to listen.“Whatever else we are, whatever the Order claims about divine mission, we’re about to attack men of God.”
Gabriel’s footsteps maintained their steady rhythm beside mine.“Brother Marcus was a man of God once.”
“He was excommunicated, wasn’t he?”I pressed, though I knew the truth.I was just trying to get more out of him.“Is that what this is about?Some petty vendetta against the Church that cast him out?”
Gabriel sighed, and in the lamplight that caught his profile, I saw something almost human flicker across his features—weariness, perhaps, or regret.“He was excommunicated, yes.Bishop Harkins in Providence declared him anathema after discovering his involvement with the Order.His methods, his interpretation of scripture, his willingness to embrace violence—it all became too much for even the most conservative elements of the Church to stomach.”
“And yet you follow him,” I said, unable to keep the accusation from my voice.
“I belonged to the Church as well, Alice.”His words fell between us like stones into still water.“Or have you forgotten?I was studying for the priesthood when you found me.”
The memory hit me like a physical blow—a young seminary student, barely twenty, his eyes bright with faith and purpose.I’d taken that from him, drained it away with his blood in some alley or hallway.I couldn’t even remember which.The details remained hazy, lost in the fog of my early transformation, but the guilt was sharp as ever.
“Yeah,” I admitted, my voice catching.“I kind of remember.”
We walked in silence for a moment, the mission looming closer with each step.The others had stopped at the next corner, waiting for us to catch up, but they kept their distance.Even Desiderius seemed to understand that whatever passed between Gabriel and me required space.
“So this is personal for you?What do you have against the church?”
Gabriel stared straight ahead.“Nothing.”
I waited for him to elaborate, but he didn’t.He was being intentionally tightlipped.
“Why doesn’t my bond work on you?”I asked.“Ruth, Rebecca—I can feel them, influence them if I need to.But with you, it’s like trying to grasp smoke.”
Gabriel chuckled.“The sire bond requires blood to function, does it not?”
