Match 1: But it hurts you? Seeing him with someone else?
Jane: It kills me.
Jane: Then he asks if our mutual friend took me home, like he might have been jealous.
Match 1: Is there something for him to be jealous about?
Jane: Nope. Not at all.
Jane: Getting back to me and you…I never did what we just did with anyone else. I mean, my ex and I, we always did things like that when I stayed in London and we weren’t able to see each other. I just don’t want you to think I’m like that with everyone.
Match 1: It’s not a normal occurrence for me either.
Match 1: But I did enjoy it. You’re extremely sexy.
Jane: Please don’t put those pictures up on some porn site.
Match 1: Will you do that with my pictures?
Jane: No. I promise.
Match 1: I bet that’s just what a female serial killer would say before she posts her victim’s naked pictures up on Reddit, and slices him into little bite-sized pieces to feed to her cat.
Jane: How ever did you guess?
Chapter 15
It’s Saturday morning, and just before the first rays of light stream through my window, my phone erupts with frantic notifications. I blindly slap my hand around my nightstand, trying to quiet the noise, but as soon as I silence it, it starts back up again.
I squint open my eyes. They’re still blurry and heavy with sleep, but I can see Gail’s stupid bird face is on my screen. Maybe she’s calling to tell me she’s ending my torture. Since her tormenting started, my downloads and posts have blown up with comments and social media engagement. I definitely gave her the numbers she wanted. I’ve humiliated myself enough. I tap open the call, “Hello?” I croak.
“Oh good, you’re up,” Gail sings through the phone.
“I’m not really. What do you want?” I yawn.
“Pack your bags, darling. A car will be picking you up in an hour.”
“What!? Why?” I screech, leaping out of bed.
Her responding cackle sounds like she’s the Wicked Witch from Oz. “I’m sending you to a singles’ retreat, Jane dear.”
“Excuse me? A what? Where?” I stammer into the phone, stumbling around my room trying to rub the sleep out of my eyes.
“A retreat, Jane. For single people. Oh, you’ll have so much fun, I think. Champagne with breakfast and plenty of sexual activities to jumpstart anyone’s libido.” Her voice is too full of cheer and optimism this early in the morning. “And don’t you worry about where, darling. It’s just a short drive away.”
“What do you mean by sexual activities?” I’m pacing faster now, my stomach turning sour.
“Oh, do stop your worrying. You’ll be staying at a luxurious hotel, each room has its own little sex-toy menu, with options for couplesorsingles. They even offer erotic massages. I’ve heard it’s SEXcellent.”
“Gail! Are you insane?” I scream into my cellphone. “You can’t make me do this. I’m not a child that you could—”
“Of course you’re not,” she cuts me off sharply. “That’s the entire point, isn’t it? I have two of my best writers all out of sorts because they can’t seem to function productively without one another. One of you needs to get on with your life.”
“My posts and my articles have been—”
“No. They haven’t. And his aren’t much better. No one is forcing you to take part in anything over the top. You’re attending all these singles’ events and writing about them in a comedic manner.You’ve just beentaking it too personally.”
“But—”
