“That sounds jam-packed,” I laugh, knocking back my glass. Before I can slam it down with gusto, like Julia did, there’s another one waiting for me. “Oh, yummy.”
“It’s what we all do. Everyone except you, actually,” she says, sounding annoyed.
“I don’t, but you do?” I say, sing-songy. I have the beginnings of a buzz fuzzing up my insides and I’m feelingfine.
“I jump from guy to guy. Boom, boom, boom,” Julia explains coolly.
“Don’t you mean bang, bang, bang?” I ask, with the straightest expression I could muster.
We both crack up into a fit of giggles. The bartender shakes his head and flicks his tongue against the gold ring that pokes out of his lip.Okay, that’s a little creepy.
“Casual hook-ups are so much better than serious relationships. I promise you.” Julia gulps back more alcohol and does a weird jazz-hand gesture for another. “Instead of just finding that one guy you think you might be able to devote yourself to—and I really hope you know, Jane, that’s an unrealistic situation— you have a ton of fun.” She finishes the sentence with a small belch.
“It’s a love apocalypse. Everyone values sex more than love,” I moan. “They all want instant gratification instead of life-long commitment. Marriage is going to go extinct. It should be on the endangered species list.”
“I want to be head-zombie-in-charge of the Marriage Armageddon!” She dances a little twerky jig.
I stare off into space.
She slams back another shot.
“Do you think that’s what you-know-who is doing with Pippa?” I ask, solemnly.
“Yes.” She doesn’t even think it over; she just blurts out her answer.
I’m offended and I want to disagree, to fight what she’s saying. “But…”
“Jane,” she huffs, holding her palm up between us. “That isdefinitelywhat he’s doing with Pippa. Get over it and get under someone else.”
“But…”
“No buts, Jane,” she sighs, dramatically. “Dex is balls deep in that pretty kitty and he’s not thinking about you at all. That’s how it works. You move on to the next thing. The next option.”
“Okay, then what happened between you and Nate? That waswaymore than a hook-up. That had a ring on it,” I argue.
“Temporary insanity. Delirium. A passing dementia. Dehydration. Momentary madness. Lunacy. Mania,” she rattles off in a slur of sounds. “An acutely disturbed state of mind caused by receiving a well-given powerballing. Hisdickpertisewas on point.” She jams her finger down on the bar top as she talks.
“Yes, I remember. Five orgasms in one night,” I groan, rolling my eyes.
“Girl, that was just the first time we were together. Nate’s cock should be what they model dildos after. It should be made into a monument. I gave him back his ring, but if I could have kept the dick, I would have.” She orders more shots.
“Enlightening,” I sigh.
“Ooooh,” she howls, her eyes going big and round. “Youshould hook up with Nate.”
“No, we talked about this before. That’s not a good idea.” This is only the hundredth time she’s mentioned this horrible suggestion.
“Why not?” she whines.
I’m too buzzed to think straight. “When I come up with a good excuse, I will definitely tell it to you. I know for a fact there’s a huge list.”
She pulls out her phone and taps her thumbs across the screen.
“Do not text Nate. I will hurt you if he comes here.” I momentarily wonder if he’d be able make me blast out five orgasms, then I want to smack myself in the vag for even thinking it. “And how are you two even friends again?”
“He wasyourMr. Perfect,” she croons.
I breathe out heavily. “Yeah, and then I thought Dex wasMr. Even-Better-Than-Perfect. I make poor choices when it comes to men, and I don’t even know how to do this text, hook-up, whatever thing.” I throw my hand up in the air. “I’m going to die a sexless old maid.” I lift my head back and look up to the ceiling, cursing the gods of Karma, and raising my fist in the air. I haven’t even been able to get myself off. Dex disappeared and took my ability to orgasm with him. “Oh, let’s go to a sex store and buy my next boyfriend!” I jump up and down and clap.
