“More than you just visiting,” I repeat what he said, nodding my head. I look away, tears suddenly blinding me, and I ask, “So, uh…that means she wants to get back together with you?”
The air around us thickens, threatening to choke me, pressing down on my shoulders and cinching at my waist and chest.
With a soft touch along my jaw, his fingers travel over my skin, turning my chin to face him, and I see in his expression the end of our relationship. It hits me like a physical blow.
“Do you want to get back with her?” I struggle to get the question out. My mouth is full of all the things I’m holding back—but everything, everything depends on his answer to my question.
“I don’t know.” He inches closer to me and pulls my hands into his. “I know I really wanted to be with you, Jane, but now I have a little girl. Stephanie doesn’t want me halfway as a father. She wants to be a family. I’m fucked. I’m so fucked.”
Sparks of fire rip across my chest. It feels as if he’s tearing my heart right out from my flesh. I want to fight him—tell him he’s making a big mistake, but I can’t—I don’t want someone who doesn’t want to stay with me. “Do you think she told you because of the tell-all?” She didn’t want him then. She didn’t want him until he was all over the entertainment channels with Pippa. Maybe if I just remind him of the things he said about her, maybe he’d think twice about getting back with her.
“I dunno. Does it matter, Jane? I have a daughter and now everything changed.”
“How do you even know this baby is yours? Did you take a paternity test? She cheated on you! That kid could be anybody’s!” My words come out in an awful sneer. I’m desperate to find any way, any reason for this baby to not be his and I hate myself for it.
He flinches away as if I had slapped him. “I can’t fucking believe you right now.”
“Wait, Dex…I totally get it now, you still have feelings for her.” I’m sobbing uncontrollably now. I’m so hurt and angry I want to scream right in his face. “I don’t even understand how this is possible. You told me you never had sex without a condom. You told me you broke up with her a year ago!” I grabbed my hands out of his. “Was her gestation period longer than normal for some reason?”
“We were together a few times after we broke up. And I didn’t lie to you. I wore a condom every time, especially after I caught her messing around. I guess it broke.” He tries to grab my hands again, but I don’t want to be touched. “Look, sometimes relationships aren’t really that great. Some loves aren’t all-encompassing, and I’m just going to have to try to make it work again. I can’t just leave her to do it alone. I can’t be that guy. I can’t be my father. Becoming someone’s father changed something in me, okay? It’s like I’m waking up out of a fog. I’m going to be looking at a lot of sacrifices, but she’s worth it. Her name is Olivia.”
Olivia. The same name I wanted if I ever had a little girl. And what he’s talking about is me being the sacrifice. Like I would ever get in the way of him having a relationship with his daughter? His ex is crazy. She’s trapping him into being in a relationship again. But I’ve seen too many movies and read too many books to know this isn’t going to go any other way. It’s over between us, and it has nothing to do with me. It’s him believing he has to be with Stephanie to be a good father. “I’m going to make this easy for you. Go and be a family.”
“What?”
“Go and be a family without any guilt or anything from me. Okay?”
“Hold on. Slow down a minute…I don’t…”
I want to tell him I’m all about slowing down. Let’s slow down enough to go backward, just for a few minutes, a little more time for us to be together. I could just stay here and enjoy the way it feels to have him as mine a little while longer, but that’s not what’s going to happen. And I’m getting too old and worn out from playing games. I’m so tired of making so much effort to get kicked away all the time. “You don’t what?”
“I don’twantto lose you. I need you to know that. I didn’t stop loving you. I just—” He bolts up and rakes his hands through his hair, pulling at the ends.
“I never said you did, Dex. This isn’t about me and you right now. This is about what you feel you need to do. And right now, you’re telling me you won’t be able to be a father if you’re with me. So, there’s nothing more to say on the topic. I agree your daughter comes first. Always.” I want him to leave. Now. I need to be alone. I don’t want to see his face or hear his voice. I get up and walk to the door, place my hand on the knob. I’m on autopilot. He needs to go so I can crumble where he can’t see.
“Promise me we can try to go back to being friends and working and writing…God, we write so well together and…” His voice cracks and stutters to nothing but a whisper. I can see it’s killing him. It’s hurting him to not be with me, to make this choice. But he’s giving his child something so much better than anything we ever had. “We could be…if we could just…” He’s rambling lies and twists and tales now. And I stop listening.
“Okay, then. I will see you at work. And we’ll go through all the normal daily routines there, without any animosity. We’ll be civil and polite,” I say, opening the door. Dex gives me a small smile and stares down at my hand that clutches my doorknob so tightly my fingers hurt. He walks to the threshold and hesitates for a second, then he turns to step into the hallway. There’s no hug or kiss goodbye. No tears from him. Nothing.
I watch him walk down the hall to the elevator, while silent tears stream down my cheeks. He doesn’t turn around to wave goodbye. Not even when he steps on the elevator. He must have waited until the doors slide shut to press the down button so he wouldn’t have to face me.
I slam my apartment door. One of my framed prints on the Nate-and-Julia-fuck-wall drops to the ground. I don’t even care. I rush to the window and watch him walk away down the street.
Then he’s gone. Out of sight and this horrible, gut-wrenching feeling settles over me. It’s absolute loneliness.
Somewhere right now on Long Island, my mom is curled up under my dad’s arm. They’re probably watching a silly sitcom on television, maybe my mom has one of her books by her side in case dad falls asleep. Julia is out with a new guy. She’s batting her eyelashes at him and he’s handing her flowers. And in about five minutes, Dex will be walking into his apartment where Stephanie is rocking little Olivia to sleep as they wait for Daddy to come home. Maybe she has a warm dinner for him on the stove. Or maybe all his sisters and mother are there to help out the new family and their precious new bundle of joy.
And, here I am, leaning my back against the window of my empty apartment. I don’t even have a pet to keep me company. I have no one. I am absolutely, unequivocally by myself, and I think it’s going to be this way for a very long time.
How could this have happened? Why do these things keep happening to me? How am I supposed to go to work every day and deal with seeing him and working with him when deep in my heart I’ll always feel like he chose to be with someone else? He doesn’t have to get back with Stephanie. Me and him, we could have been great helping to raise and co-parent with his ex. Isn’t that the new normal in this day and age?
What hurts the most is that it wasn’t even a thought in his head, staying with me while his ex has a baby was never an option.
He didn’t think about me at all.
Chapter 17
Ifind another bottle of wine and curl up on my bed with my laptop. I can’t sit here and think about Dex and how much everything hurts. Not now. I’ll cry my weight in tears when I finish Damian’s story.
