I scream some more.
Simon jumps away, flicking bodily fluids through the air, his penis bobbing and dangling and strangely a little too pink, giving me enough visual material to suffer from nightmares for the rest of my life.
I haven’t stopped screaming. I’m going to have to burn my couch now.
Simon lunges at me with the vagina arm and tries to shove his wet tuna hand over my mouth. My body instantly goes into fight-or-flight mode. There’s no time to think, there’s a drippy damp slimy hand coming at me.
So, I punch him square in the face.See, my life is a rom com. Simon flies back. I stare down at my super-powered punching fist in wonder, then I scream like a wild animal when the pain hits. “What are you made of,metal?” My knuckles are on fire.
“Why did you hit me?” He stumbles forward holding his face.
“You were about to touch me with vag hands. VAG HANDS!” I scream, then I watch him look at his hand and wipe it on the ARM OF MY COUCH.
“Now, I’m really going to have to burn that couch!”
Julia rolls away like a little potato bug and sits herself up in a calm, collected pose.
I narrow my eyes at her.
She pulls a thick rolled-up cigarette out of her hair,her freaking hair, and lights it.
“I don’t even know what the fuck I’m watching right now. Who the fuck are you?” My voice is wispy and low.
She holds her breath for an impossibly long time and puffs out what smells like a spraying skunk cloud between us.
“What is wrong with you? Nate loves you,” I say.
Her eyes well with tears, but she fights them. “We’re just having some fun. It’s not a big deal unlessyoumake it a big deal.” She’s still sitting naked on my couch. Like it’s no big deal. She passes the blunt to Simon. “Why are you home now anyway?”
“I’m not feeling well.” My eyes dart between the two of them and the room starts a slow spin.
“Are you pregnant?” She giggles, bumping her shoulder into Simon’s. Simon doesn’t giggle, he just stares at me with half-open eyes.
“No. God, why is everyone asking me that?” I slap my hands to my sides. “Why are you here, Julia? Why my apartment? Why my couch? Why do this to Nate?”
“Do what to me?” It’s Nate. Nate’s voice. My apartment door is still open, and he just strolls right in, and now he’s standing beside me gawking at all the pot-smoking nakedness infecting the fabric on my couch. “Julia?”
She climbs off my couch and grabs her shirt. She pulls it over her head and shrugs her shoulders at Nate. “And why are you here?” She looks between me and Nate. “Are you fucking my fiancé?”
“What?” I can’t believe she’s asking me that. I can’t believe she’s trying to turn the tables around so this is somehow me doing the wrong thing and not her.
“I left to see if Jane was okay. I put her in a cab and then I got worried she was alone. Why are you and Damian Miles naked?” He says everything so calmly, but I’m close to him and I can feel the rage heating his skin and see his hands ball into fists.
My stomach lurches. I clutch at it. The scenario in front of me is all levels of awkward, and I find myself wishing I felt better to properly enjoy the absurdity of it all.
“I should have stayed at that game,” Nate states.
My shoulders go numb. I can’t believe he said that out loud in front of Julia. Why? Why did he do that?
Julia rolls her eyes. “What are you talking about now?” She slips her legs into what looks like a bunch of strings and pulls them up to her thighs. Oh, wow, the string is underwear.
Nate stands taller and crosses his arms over his chest. Then he says the words I’ve been dreading him saying since the moment Julia introduced him as her boyfriend. “The baseball game. The one where I kissed Jane on the Kiss Cam.”
“What?” She looks at me with wide eyes. “He’syour Mister Perfect?”
Simon leans forward watching it all play out.
Nate seems too happy with himself.
