Eyebrow-lip-chin wax.
Steam facial.
Deep moisturizing face mask.
Some weird-smelling ten-minute mudpack.
Hot moisturizing manicure.
Hot moisturizing pedicure.
Back massage.
More waxing in areas that made my mother blush.
My butthole bleached
Foot massage.
And at the conclusion of my Full Diamond Treatment, they did my makeup and styled me in a new sexy outfit!
“There’s the Jane I remember,”my mother says, when she finally sees the results.
“Ha. Ha. I never looked like this.”
“Jane, you spend the majority of your time in baggy jeans behind a computer. You never dress up or self care.”
Oh I self care.
“And here’s your phone back. Your friend Julia called.” She hands me the phone and squeezes my arm. “I’m going to settle the bill and then we’ll get some dinner.”
I nod my thanks to her. I don’t know how I will ever be able to thank her for pushing me to do this. I look at myself in the mirror again, amazed. I feel really good right now.
I open my phone and call Julia. She picks up instantly. “Jane?”
“Hey, Jules. What’s up?”
“We had a great weekend. Really, it was very nice.”
It was very nice?That’s what she says about funerals. I decide to ask, because how can I not, “Very nice? That sounds loaded with secret code, Julia.”
“No, stop. I didn’t mean it like that. Really.” Her voice gets lower, like she’s trying to make sure she’s not being overheard. “It was simple and easy. You know?”
“Nothing like a weekend getaway with Pierre Auden Luc, huh?”
“Not even close. With Pierre Auden Luc, we’d start in the Hamptons and end up in Ibiza. But it was still really nice with Nate.”
“Is that why you called me?” She wasn’t crazed with jealousy that his phone was practically attached to his eyeballs, reacting and commenting on my every move?
“Oh no, no. When you get back next week, um, let me see. Thursday night, yeah. Thursday night, dinner at my place.” That’s why she called me? No, how are you? What’s going on in your life? Are you okay? But a demand for dinner at her house. The same person who when she last tried to cook set her microwave on fire because she didn’t realize you couldn’t heat up anything in aluminum foil.
“Why? Are you looking to poison me?” I laugh.
“I’m having a small dinner party, that’s all, and I really want you to be here. And fix you up with one of Nate’s friends.”
“Julia—”
“I’m not taking no for an answer. You haven’t had a good date in months, maybe even years.”
