“Who the hell isthatkid?” Jase whispered, peering into the coffin alongside me. “What the Hell were these people thinking? That doesn’t look like Joey at all. Did…did someone give him a haircut?”
“I think he’s got lipstick on, too,” I whispered back and tucked my head into his chest. “Do you think it hurt?” I asked, choking on a sob.
“Do I think what hurt?” Jase asked, giving my hand a squeeze.
“When he got hit. When he fell. When he hit his head. When he got kicked. When he died. I don’t know what. I just want to know if he hurt.”
“No, Charlie. I think it happened too quickly, and he was really drinking…so I don’t think he felt anything,” Jase whispered.
“I…I can’t do this, Jase. I don’t feel so good,” I stuttered, wanting nothing more than to climb in that damn wooden box with him and snuggle into his chest, and have us take on the afterlife together.
“Come on,” Jase murmured, pulling me into his arms. Standing in front of that casket with the body of a kid that didn’t look like our best friend, with a line of people behind us ready to pay their respects, we sobbed the loudest.
At the gravesite, I tried to think about anything, anything else - dirt bikes, homework, books, so I wouldn’t see the coffin being put into the ground. Or see the people sobbing and crying around me. So I wouldn’t have to see my best friend being buried. But all I could think was that he’s gone—like the light from a room when you flick the switch. Immediate. And final.
There was no going back and fixing this. I wished it was me instead as I watched the ground swallow the shiny wooden coffin that held the body of the best sixteen-year-old kid that ever walked the earth.
This is what I learned the day my best friend was buried:
There are sad songs that no one should ever have to listen to.
Goodbyes that no one should ever say.
Mothers should never lose children.
Forever is too long of a time. A part of you dies when you lose someone you love. Life is messy, it's never fair, and it's never pretty. And I will always ask God why, why, why,why?
And I'll never get an answer.
I'll never forget the exact way he looked and the sound of his laugh, and I will cry for him until the day I die.
There will forever be something missing in my heart, and I'd never be fully here without him.
Life was so different after, but only for Jase and me. Everything went back to normal at school; just a small area on the front lawn of the campus was set up with candles, letters, and flowers to remember him by. I didn’t understand any of it, and I certainly didn’t understand why the world just went on without Joey in it. To me, the earth had lost its sun.
Remember I told you about my BOOM? That was my first one. It wrecked me. My next BOOM, it completely destroyed me.
∞
My chucks crunched over the gravel and grass as I made my way through the cemetery, until I found the only thing left of my dearest friend—his cold, white, head stone. “I miss you so much, old friend. So much it hurts to breathe sometimes. Wish you were here. 'Cause I really need a friend, and I can’t face Jase again. God, Joey. I want to so bad, so, so bad. But you know, don’t you? You know why I can’t ever look into his eyes again.”
Tracing his name with my fingers and pressing my lips against the chalky cool stone, tears spilled from my eyes. “As soon as I’m done here, I’ll find my way to you. Both of us will.”
I'll find my way
To you.
As soon as
I'm done here.
I'll shed a tear each day
Until then.
Chapter 9
Charlie
