My heart was frantic in my chest. This...this wasn’t going to end well. I felt too much. I squeezed my eyes closed and shook Kevin awake. I needed to talk to someone. I needed to say the crap I was feeling—out loud—then I’d see how ludicrous it sounded. Kevin was a guy with the same hook up ideals as me. He'd be able to talk some sense intome.
Kevin opened his eyes, stunned. “Whathappened?”
"You fell asleep," I said,giggling.
I should get another bottle of wine so it could help me talk about this Dylan craziness with him. I finished off the bottle we had with the Chinese food all by myself while henapped.
Kevin rubbed his hands over his face and jumped out of bed. “Oh, snap. I’m sorry. I was…I should go. Lisa is going to flipout.”
I froze. All the blood drained from my face. I felt it. It pooled in my throat and made me want toscream.
“Lisa?”
He yanked up his pants and grinned at me. “You are never going to believe me when I tellyou.”
“Try me,” I said, fisting theblankets.
“I have agirlfriend. Three months so far, and I’m crazy about her. I think this is the one I get serious with. She moved in last week.” He had the most idiotic smile on hisface.
Stunned, I nodded and watched him dress. “That’s great.” He's getting serious with someone, but he just finished pulling his dick out of me. "Wait. Hold up. Then why did you ask me to meet up with youtonight?"
A lopsided smile spread across his face. “I always know you’re up for some fun. And you’re easy to be with. We’re not hurtinganybody.”
“Easy to be with,” I said, slumping back onto mypillows.
“Ward, come on. Don’t make me feel like the bad guy here. You can’t blame me. You're a fun time. We’re nothing. With Lisa, it’sdifferent.”
“Yeah, no, Iunderstand.”
It’s nothing. At least I got the cold Chinese food to hang with while you go back and fall asleep next to yourLisa, who’sdifferent.
He even had the audacity to kiss me on the lips before he left. I wouldn’t kiss him back, though. I left my lips tight in a straight line, but I didn’t think he noticed. Why would he? To him, I was nothing; just a funtime.
I walked him to the front door, feeling more off-centered than ever before. I didn't want a relationship with Kevin. That wasn't my issue. I wasn't jealous or anything, but I did feel…used. I felt dirty. He was going to go home to his girlfriend. Would he sleep with her? Would she smell me on him? Would he go right into the shower and wash me off? I knew I hadn't been anything special to him, or Vince, or any of the other guys—but I thought I was a little more than nothing. I was another human being with thoughts and feelings, wants andneeds.
“See you around, Ward,” he said as heleft.
He neither looked back nor waved at me. He simply drove away, toLisa, who was different. Not broken likeme.
I leaned against my open front door, staring out at the house across the street from me. Dylan watched me from inside his house. I saw him in the shadows of his living room, holding Ben on hisshoulder.
Once again, my phonerang.
I let it ring and ring andring.
I’ve been sostupid.
I believed all this time that I had everything under control—thought I was doing everything my own way—protecting myself. I held a tight reign over my heart and mind. I didn’t want to be hurt again. I never wanted to feel that kind of heartbreak ever again, so I chose to deny any form of love.Love only breaks you when it leaves. If you’re really unlucky, sometimes it breaks you even before it goes, devastating you twice as hard. My losses were so profound,I lost myself to them. I became nothing more than a lover without love and a mother without achild.
I never got over it—I’m not sure I ever will. People say time heals, but it still feels like it was yesterday and I was holding a still baby, wishing for someone to decide to love me again so I wouldn’t have to grievealone.
My baby never took a breath, and now years later here I was, continuing to breathe, watching people live and go on when all I wanted was to give in, give up, meet up with her inheaven.
I closed my eyes briefly, the ghost of her weight still in myarms.
She was so tiny. So tiny andstill.
She had died inside me. My body wasn’t strong enough, and I was in labor so long, my uterus started collapsing, my life draining out of me in the cold, sterile hospitalroom.
