The mention of them brought a fresh wave of tears, but she blinked them back. “It’s hard.” But there was a good reason now, and she could justify it. In fact, she was pleased to be here with him.
“I’m sorry. But this was the only way.”
Luerna nodded and gave a soft, understanding smile. “This is sweet.”
The giddiness in his gaze was reduced by the cut on his cheek. It would leave a scar on his face. And she knew it was because of her. She couldn’t keep going with the guilt. She didn’t want him to keep trying when she was a ticking time bomb. “I have to tell you something,” she whispered with a bowed head.
Levka shook his head. “It’s okay, Luerna.”
“You don’t even know what I’m gonna say.”
“Whatever it is, I forgive you.”
The words were absurd, and it pissed her off. “Why? What if I don’t deserve it?”
He shrugged. “Doesn’t matter.”
She scoffed, and she crossed her arms. “You aggravate me so fucking much. You think I’m this perfect person–”
“No, I don’t,” he whispered.
“I come from a shitty family. If you think I haven’t done things to deserve payback, you’re delusional. Maybe it’s your age. You see this damsel in distress, and like the macho guy you are, you want to come to my rescue. Well, I put myself in this fucking tower and I can climb down when I’m good and ready.”
Luerna wanted to take off, to give a dramatic exit, but causing a scene was not what ladies do, so instead she sat there and sipped her tea with a fake pleasant face, hoping no one heard her lash out.
“So why don’t you?” Levka asked, sitting back with the coffee cup in his hands. He stared with bored aggravation. It was the first time she saw such a look. “Why don’t you climb out?”
“Because I’m fine,” she nipped back.
A condescending chuckle hid behind his drink, and he darted his eyes elsewhere.
“What?” she provoked.
He shook his head, looking around the restaurant. Anywhere but at her.
“What?” she asked again.
“I’m a child; what do I know?”
She sneered. “Oh, don’t act like I hurt your feelings.”
Levka turned his head toward her. “You are so used to fighting you don’t know how to stop. I will be your punching bag, Luerna. Until you feel in control.”
Luerna wanted to rip his face off. He didn’t understand anything, and to sit there and take the high road was a dick move. She dug her nails into her palm, trying to stop herself from lashing out. But it was building, like a boiling pot. Before she embarrassed herself, she stood. “Excuse me,” she whispered.
Luerna didn’t stop walking till she made it back to her room. All the anger seeped out of her like a popped balloon, and she sagged against the door with a hand against her mouth. Why was she such a bitch? Levka was being a sweet man, and she was pushing and pushing. Why did he keep sticking around? She was nothing. Why couldn’t he see that?
Luerna went into the bedroom, but it was empty and she was alone. She wanted to hug her children, to feel loved even when she didn’t deserve it.
The door clicked shut, and she could hear Levka as he approached.
Luerna sat on the bed, facing him, and he leaned against the doorway with his hands in his pockets.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
He shook his head.
She hated how he forgave her, and the tears broke through. “Why are you doing this, Levka? Why are you here? I’m not what you want. There’s nothing left of me, can’t you see that? I’ve nothing left.” Luerna cried into her hands, humiliated and defeated. She didn’t care what he saw. She couldn’t suppress the misery. This was her, the part of her that existed when no one was around. It’s why she was constantly moving. She was constantly involved in her children’s lives because, with them, she could ignore the emptiness. She could forget her pain.
