“I wish I could hold you while you slept so I could protect you,” he says, surprising me.
“I wish you were here,” I admit softly as my eyelids get heavy. “But at least I have your letter.”
“Em?” he asks with a hint of concern in his voice.
Even though I should feel comforted that he called, that he showered me with praise, my heart hurts. I know his words are empty and he won’t act on them. I hit the end call button before I can second-guess my decision.
——————
“What part do you think you got?” Rylee asks me at breakfast the next day.
Megan stomps over to us, plops into a chair, and drops her head on the table. “Coffee. Need coffee.”
I hand her the to-go cup I grabbed for her. “Long night?”
“I wish I could regale you with an epic tale of debauchery, but I stayed up way too late writing a paper.”
“Been there,” Rylee and I say in unison.
“Emma, your audition was incredible, I’d be shocked if you don’t get Viola.”
“Agreed,” Megan says, her head still face down on the table as she gives us a thumbs-up.
“Are you sure you don’t want to do more acting? You’re really good at it.”
I think about her words for a minute. I’m good at acting because I’m good at masking. No one would ever know what I’m going through by just looking at me.
I play a million different parts, but none of them feel like me. When I’m home, I assume the role of the dutiful eldest daughter, doing everything that’s expected of me before I’m even asked. At school, I become the model student, turning into this people-pleasing teacher’s pet trying to earn the respect of my professors and peers. Even though Ella is my best friend, school has been so hectic I don’t get to see her anymore, especially since she graduated high school. And despite the fact that I’m doing all of this for Lizzy, to help others like her, I haven’t spent much time with her outside of school breaks. Alyx has also been oddly silent since the holidays, and I’m afraid I’ve made things awkward for him at the club with Daddy Dom.
The last time I felt strong was when I was at Pulse at the mercy of Daddy Dom. But even he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. He is the only person that has seenthe real me, the version I water down for others and dole out in small doses, making myself palatable. Not everyone understands me and my hang-ups, but he did. He embraced them, called them strength instead of the weakness they feel like.
I’m failing every person in my life, and the only men that show any interest in me are creeps. Maybe this is what I deserve. I’m too broken to deserve something good, so I suffer through the crap I’m given with a smile on my face. Of course I’m good at acting. I do it in every area of my life.
“Earth to Emma!” Rylee calls.
“No shouty-shouty,” Megan groans.
I give them an awkward smile, letting them think I just can’t take a compliment.
“Oh, there’s Jeremy,” Rylee says, nodding to a spot across the caf. “He’s really sweet, like you can tell he’s one of the good ones.”
Megan’s head pops up as she nods her agreement. “He’s not bad to look at either. He’s got that skinny-hot-nerd-turned-surfer vibe.”
I laugh. “That is oddly specific.”
“And you know what they say about skinny guys. They have the biggest dic?—”
“Diction!” I say as Jeremy approaches our table. “Diction is important, and I really should work on mine.” I can feel my cheeks pinken in embarrassment as I try to cover for her loose lips.
“I think you have greatdiction,” Jeremy says, a boyish smile on his face.
It’s obvious he’s waiting for me to slide over in the booth so he can sit, but I don’t budge.
“Wanna join us?” Megan asks, sliding over so he can sit.
“We were just saying that Emma here should totally get the lead inTwelfth Night,” Rylee says. Her kindness should make me feel good, but I shift nervously under the praise.
“Couldn’t agree more,” Jeremy says. I can feel his focus on me.
