“And I just thought you were uptight.”
“Far from it. I’ll never forgive myself for the way I treated you in all of this, pushing you away and then pulling you back in. You trusted me as your dom to provide for you, and I broke that trust. I’m so fucking sorry, pet. You deserve to be worshipped and adored, not hidden away like my dirty little secret.
“I need you to know that I didn’t mean what I said in that practice room when he had you—” I take a shuddering breath and squeeze her leg still in my lap, grounding myself to her as a reminder that she’s okay. “Fuck, Em, I was so scared, seeing you restrained like that, not knowing what he was capable of. And when you said your safe word, I knew I had to do something to distract him.”
“I remember saying it, and some of what you said after, but parts are fuzzy. My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest, but when you touched me, I knew you would keep me safe.”
“He was so close to you, it took everything in me not to beat his ass right there, and I would have if he didn’t have a knife. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to keep you safe, Em. No length I wouldn’t travel to find you. I’d walk away from it all right now if you asked me to. My job. My marriage. The club. If you asked me to leave, I would. There’s nothing you could demand of me that I wouldn’t do for you.”
Reaching out, I stroke her cheek with the back of my hand and revel in the way she leans into it. She grips my wrist holding my hand in place.
“As much as I should be mad at you, I’m not. Don’t get mewrong, I was furious when I found out. Devastated. And if you had come to me then I don’t know that I would’ve given you the time of day. But you gave me space because you knew I needed it. You supported me quietly in the background even when I wasn’t aware. And if you hadn’t been at the show, I don’t know what Jeremy would have done because no one even noticed I was gone. All my family came to earlier performances. You were the only one there for me today.”
“I’ll always be there for you, if you allow me.”
“But you lied to me. You hid things from me. And while I understand your reasoning, it’s going to take time to earn back that trust.”
My gut twists at her words, but I deserve it. “I won’t lie and pretend like I didn’t have my own selfish reasons for keeping you in the dark. If you knew who I was earlier, you may have walked away. If you found out I was married sooner, you may not have been willing to wait for me. And I wanted you so fucking badly. I wanted you to want me. I wanted to be the only one that could truly provide you with what you needed, even if I couldn’t give you all of me at the time.”
“I want that. All of you. No more hiding behind a mask. At least metaphorically. It’s kinda hot in a scene sometimes.”
“No more hiding,” I agree.
“So what happens now?” she asks, hope lighting up her face.
I rub the back of my neck as my jaw flexes. “Maryam asked for a divorce. She wants me to be happy.”
“Would that make you happy?”
“Divorcing her? No. Not if it means she could be deported.”
“Would she?”
“There’s no telling. She’s confident that it’ll be fine. And it is possible to get a green card if you’re divorced, but we’re so close to the finish line, for her safety, I don’t want to risk it.”
She nods solemnly, blinking rapidly.
“But if you ask me to, I will. If it would earn back even one iota of your trust, I’d do it,” I admit.
We sit in awkward silence, and I can see her brain processing everything I’ve said, her eyes occasionally drifting to me then back to the door as she watches nurses walking past. I want to confess how I truly feel, wrap her in my arms and finally say those three words. I know she feels it; I think she knows that I’m feeling it, but I’ve already shared a lot with her, and I don’t want my confession to be in an ER triage room after she’s just been brutally attacked. The drugs Jeremy gave her probably aren’t fully out of her system. And I want her fully cognizant when I declare my love for her. I want her to remember every word.
“Once they discharge you, I’m going to take you to Alyx’s.”
Her swollen eyes lock with mine, and I can see the exhaustion in them.
“Will you wait for me?” It’s a shitty thing to ask her, and I’d totally understand if she said no.
When she nods her head, I breathe a sigh of relief. “This is bigger than me. Bigger than us. I couldn’t ask you to risk her safety for my own selfish desires.”
I cup her cheek, pulling her forehead to mine, my words a whisper on her lips. “Let me say it again so it’s clear: I would if you asked me. If you needed me to, I wouldn’t hesitate. Mary made some very convincing arguments that have eased my guilt. So if you change your mind, I’ll do it for you.” I lean up and kiss her forehead, mouthing the words against her skin that I want to say out loud. “Now get some rest.”
CHAPTER 40
JOHN
Asense of calm washes over me as we walk into my private room at Pulse. This is the first time I’ve had her alone since everything went down after the show. It’s the first time we’ll be intimate since that fucker violated her in front of me. Anger wells in me as I clench my fist, hearing her close the door behind me.
Her soft hands wrap around my wrist, gently tugging me back and pulling me from my thoughts.
