Saipha speaks before I can spiral too deeply around what those “reasons” are. “So the vicar—”
“Enough of him. I don’t evenlike him.” Seething hate is evident in his trembling fists. “Yes, he asked me to ‘help you’ as much as I could. Yes, he asked me to keep an eye on you. But I’ve already sworn to you I won’t tell him your secrets.” Lucan shakes his head and looks directly at me. I can feel the question, even if he’s not asking it.What must I do to prove myself?
This moment feels like it’s a million years long. What more could I expect of him? He’s proven himself time and again, hasn’t he? Yet I don’t trust him… Or is it that I don’twantto? The longer our eyes are locked, the less sure I am. What do I feel underneath it all? Underneath the traumas the vicar has inflicted upon me. Is there a genuine distrust of Lucan as a person?
This shouldn’t feel as major as it does. And yet, I sense that whatever I say next will change my life forever. I’m on the knife’s edge, and I’m not sure what in me ultimately pushes me to one side over another, but when it happens, I don’t look back.
“I trust him,” I say to Saipha, even though I keep my eyes on Lucan. “I think he’s going to be a good ally.”
She nods, as if she already knew that was coming. “Lucan, answer me one more thing: Why does being our ally mean so much to you if you’re not reporting back to the vicar?”
“Because I’m tired of being alone,” Lucan says plainly.
I…can relate. I look back to Saipha, more confident than ever in what my gut has told me. “He’s strong and capable, and he can use sigils even though he’s not gilded.”
“You think I’m strong? You’re too kind,” Lucan playfully mocks me. I shoot him a sideways glance that he just smirks at.Is his face a little red, though?
“You’re absolutely sure?” Saipha puts the final call in my hands, knowing how many knots I’ve twisted in over this.
I nod.
“All right. The three of us, then.” Saipha stands, stretches, crosses, and claps him on the shoulder. “Now, can we eat? I’m starving.”
“That’s it?” Lucan clearly has whiplash from her personality. I fight a laugh. After everything I put him through, I get why he’d expect more from her.
“We can’t go in circles all day. Isola trusts you, and that’s good enough for me…until you give me a reason not to. Then I’ll just have to destroy you.” Saipha squeezes by him to leave through the door.
Lucan blinks, turning his confusion to me.
“You’ll get used to her.” I offer a smile and follow Saipha down to dinner.
Lucan’s hand brushes mine as I pass him. He doesn’t pull away, and I glance up at him. But he doesn’t even react. It’s like it didn’t happen at all.
I’m tired of being alone, he said. Is that one of those “reasons” he mentioned earlier? Or is there something more? Something related to this tension that— I halt the thoughts. I don’t have to examine where my mind was just going to know it’s dangerous. Yet, I still hear the echo of what he said, twice:I like you. I could read a whole library’s worth into those three words.
I suck in a slow breath, chest tight, hoping that by trusting him—by letting him in—I didn’t just make the worst decision of my life.
33
The sundering pits clearly took it out of all of us supplicants. Everyone is ravenous and eats all they can. The buffet is picked clean on the first go-round tonight—none left over for seconds.
Very few words are shared, though I strain my ears for any mention of the scourge. There are none. It must have been isolated to just Lucan’s and my room, lending more credence to his sabotage theory.Do the others even know?
A few wary glances are cast our way, perhaps taking note of Saipha and me now sitting with Lucan. Especially since we didn’t pick the table with those from the Undercrust as Saipha and I have been doing most days. But no one says anything to us, for now.
“I didn’t really ask how you were,” I say somewhat guiltily to Saipha. “How was the rest of your time in your room? Did it go all right? Were you interrogated at all?” I asked about the scourge in Saipha’s room, and then the conversation became all me…and Lucan.
Why is it suddenly so unnaturally difficult tonotthink about him for more than a few minutes?
“No, I wasn’t.” She shakes her head. “It was… I can’t really say ‘fine’ because I spent my whole day looking at a third of mostly rotted dragon thigh.”
“You are a little pale.” I take my own bite of food, though it’s a bit harder than the last with the images of dragon carcass fresh in my mind.
“Well, it wasgross.”
“Understatement,” Lucan mutters.
“At least it didn’t seem to ruin your appetite,” I say as Saipha shovels in another large bite of potato.
