“Not bad,” Alyss murmured softly. “Adela can be nice. Who knew?” There was the barest touch of a sarcastic edge, but Alyss did sound genuinely surprised by the revelation.
“When she wants to be.” Eira settled her pack on the floor underneath the bed. One benefit of the bed touching three walls was that it had been suspended, so there was some additional storage in the room. “Though she didn’t give it to me without threatening me within an inch of my life in the process.”
“Well, it is still Adela.” Alyss went to the lone lantern in the room, affixed to the wall. There was a striker next to it and she sparked flame to life, bathing the room in a soft, golden glow.
“You’re right about that. I assume everyone’s all right?” Eira wasn’t particularly worried since Alyss didn’t seem frantic.
“They are now.”
“Now?” The guilt at enjoying her new room while someone was wounded was instant. “Who?”
“Yonlin.” Alyss didn’t look back at her, so she missed Eira’s flinch. “He was down on the gun deck when we took a shot. I got to him in time.” The words were hollow, void of details that Eira could imagine weren’t pretty.
“I’m glad you were there,” Eira said softly. “I’m sure he was, too.”
Alyss continued to stare into the flame of the lantern. “When this is all over…are you going to stay?”
The way the question was asked twisted in Eira’s gut like a dagger. It made her want to say,No, of course not, Alyss. I’m not a pirate, not really. I’m not cut out for this life. We’ll go back to Solaris together when this is all over… But those hasty thoughts were lies and they both knew it. She respected Alyss and their friendship too much to try and say otherwise.
“This place, these people, they’re the first time I’ve felt like home.” Eira sank onto the bed with the weight of the realization. “I don’t have to be anyone else. I don’t have to pretend to fit into a mold that’s ‘accepted’ by the average individual. My past…” She laughed bitterly. “No one cares that I killed a peer. In fact, I think half of them would praise me for it.” Adela wouldn’t, not because of some inclinations toward any kind of morality but because it had shown Eira losing control of her powers. And that was something Adela didn’t tolerate.
Alyss shifted to look at Eira, who had, until then, been staring at her knees. Even though Eira knew her choices were her own, and she wasn’t wrong for them, something about this whole interaction had her feeling like a child in trouble. Shame, guilt, sorrow, some combination thereof and more was raining down on her harder than the storm out on the deck. She felt worse in this moment than she had telling her uncles she was going to disobey their direct wishes and compete in the tournament nearly two years ago.
It was because Alyss mattered more to her than her uncles, or even parents, ever had. They weren’t the family Eira, in every corner of her heart, had chosen. They weren’t the ones who had stood by her through thick and thin.
Don’t leave me,Eira wanted to beg. But when she lifted her gaze, the words vanished.
Alyss had leaned against the wall, the lantern illuminating a warm smile. There wasn’t a trace of anger, or disappointment. Perhaps, at worse, resignation.
“I know.” Those two words, said another way, would be:It’s all right. Somehow, the resignation and acceptance hurt more.
Eira bit back an apology. Instead she said, “Pirate ships would be great fodder for stories. Always someone on board falling in love. Distant cities to inspire you. New people to meet all the time.”
“Deadly naval battles and pillaging innocent towns.” Her tone was similar to how it had been when she’d dug into Cullen following the incident in the Carsovian town.
“Carsovia is hardly innocent.” The words were instantly seething. A fire hotter than the mines burned in her whenever the thought of that place even crossed her mind. “They’re the ones I’m going to target.”
“At first, but a life is long, Eira.” The calmer Alyss was, the more wounded and agitated Eira felt. Her friend wasn’t wrong, Eira knew it. Yet, the truth was bitter. “And, even attacking Carsovia, you won’t always be striking against the people at the root of Noelle’s death. There will be innocent people in those towns.”
Eira glanced out the window. “Kingdoms and empires rise and fall. Innocent people get hurt in the process. We’ve seen as much already.”
“Just make sure you’re all right with being the one doing the hurting.”
There was no way they were ever going to see eye to eye when it came to this. Alyss’s nature was too good, too pure, especially when it came to Eira’s. And for all Eira wanted to keep her friend close, she didn’t want it to be at the cost of everything that Eira loved most about her.
“I suppose there aren’t a lot of printing presses on pirate ships,” Eira whispered. “So, when are you leaving?”
“We’ll see.” Alyss shrugged. “Maybe never.”
“But—”
“You’re not the only one who’s on a journey, Eira. Who’s changing. I don’t know what I want and what I can stomach. The only thing I know is that…I can’t watch more people I love die.” The words grew soft, barely audible to the end. Eira could see on Alyss’s face that it was Yonlin on her mind. Whatever the injury had been, it must’ve been severe.
The cabin’s warmth had vanished, turning as cold as the rest of theStormfrost. The raw wound of Noelle throbbed in the silence. Even as they moved past it, it still ached with a pain Eira wished she could physically rip from her body. It returned, picked open again every time one of them stared down death.
She should have known how to handle grief following Marcus’s death. But, because of mourning Marcus, Eira knew these wounds were ones that would never close. They just hurt, and hurt, and hurt…until you became familiar with the pain enough that it could be ignored. More or less.
“That’s one thing I can promise you…” Eira massaged the center of her chest. The only people who knew about the rune were still Olivin and Adela. It wasn’t something she was going to make public knowledge. “I am going to keep the people I love safe. I’ve lost too many as it is. From now on, I will stop at nothing until I have the power to destroy any who would dare threaten my crew.”
