I blink away the blue haze that lingers in my vision from the blinding light, breathing slowly. Turning, I take a few steps, collecting the brick that Bardulf had slapped from my hand, and return it to my pouch. My hand is shaking. Not quivering, or trembling. Shaking.
The cone of burnt earth stretches out from my feet like a tombstone. His final monument. Like an arrow pointing to me that says,She did it.
What was I supposed to do?I want to ask. I had to defend myself. He wasn’t exactly a good person. I want to explain everything for my own ears to hear. But all I manage is a croak.
I will not allow myself to feel guilty. Not for that. Not for him. Not after the brutal intentions that he had made so clear.
“I will not feel guilty,” I manage to say. Though every word trembles like my steps.
When I try to walk away, I stumble and fall to my knees. I dig my hands into the damp earth, trying to find purchase—something solid and real and stable. Because I am none of those things. I am going to shake apart.
I killed him.
I killed a man. I used my magic. The magic of my ancestors. The magic that Grandma taught me to use to protect and serve. A spirit that is innocent of mortal conflict. I used it to end a life.
“Evander,” I rasp. Then, I scream to the heavens, “Evander!”
The tears come unbidden. It is a torrent of emotions unlike any I’ve known. It is somehow as consuming as the grief that I felt for Grandma, yet worse. What am I becoming? What is this world making me?
It’s too much. My arms give out and I go to collapse to the earth. But my face doesn’t meet the grass. Instead, I fall into a wall of muscle. Of warmth and comfort. Of familiar smells and reassurance.
“I’m here, Faelyn,” Evander whispers into my ear through ragged panting. “As long as you want me, I’m here.”
CHAPTER 34
I clingto him and cry.
I cannot say for how long. But long enough that my fingers have cramped by the time I compose myself. Long enough that when I peel myself away from his chest, our skin sticks and my eyes are dry. There aren’t tears left within me. I have cried oceans.
“He… He…”
“It’s all right.” Evander smooths my hair away from my face. It clings to my wet cheeks. “You’re all right.”
I didn’t realize how badly I needed to hear those words until they were said. Somehow, between the waves of guilt and nausea, the memories of Grandma, and the shroud of death that haunts me at every turn…there was still fear. It all happened so quickly. He was there, and then not, and then…
“Why…” I stare up at Evander, his silver eyes shining as if he, too, wept. “Why did you come?”
“You called.”
Two words. So simple. Somehow better than every “I love you” that could’ve ever been said.
“Even after what happened?”
“Do you really think that would change anything for me?” Evander gives me a tired but sincere smile. “My feelings for you are not so fickle.”
“I still don’t know what I should feel about you,” I admit.
“You’ve had a long night,” he says softly. “Let it be, for now. We can sort it out later.”
“No.” I shake my head, pulling away slightly. His arms slip from around my shoulders, hands running down to rest by my elbows as I clutch on to him as well. “I have to know now. This long night will continue to chase me if I don’t just know and settle it.”
“Then ask what you need to ask. I won’t lie to you or obscure the truth, I swear it.”
I lock my gaze with him, hunting for any whisper of deceit. “Is the extension of the charm that the knights possess real?”
“It is.”
A twinge of pain at that. But I ignore the sensation, pressing on. “Did you ever use it on me?”
