“Aren’t you though? Waiting for me to apologize? Withholding your words as punishment for me withholding mine? I know this dance all too well.”
“I am not going to take childish swipes at you, Victoria. I was giving you space to work through whatever you needed to so that you could arrive at a place where you felt ready to speak. I am a grown man and you are a grown woman. I assumed we could handle this as adults.”
I lean back, startled.He wasn’t trying to punish me?Ugly instincts still left over from Charles try to tell me that this is a test. He’s waiting to see how I handle myself and what I do. I hate that there is this streak within me that, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much my better sense might try to say otherwise, I can’t seem to shake.
“I was married. But I’m not anymore. Believe me or don’t.” I go to swim to the balcony. “But we should focus on the task at hand. Perhaps I can commune with—”
“Don’t run, Victoria.” He stops me by catching my wrist, keeping me in the room and out of sight from the warriors. “You’ve been running your whole life. Going from one thing to the next. Always another duty. Another place to be. Another deal to make with someone—with yourself. You’ve kept yourself so busy, so wound up, that you could never unravel. The only time you ever gave yourself any room to feel were the last weeks before you were sacrificed. It took your own death to let go.”
“What do you know about me?” I whisper.
“Clearly more than you give me credit for.” The words are an echo of what he’s told me before, a continued reminder. Gently, Ilryth spins me to face him. My chest tightens as I stare up at him. At those intense, thoughtful eyes that demand a person I don’t know if I am—if I’ve ever been. “Stop running,please,” he says softly. “I’m here now. I don’t want to be anywhere else. So don’t run from me.”
How can the words be nearly the same as what Charles said when he tried to hold me back, but the feeling be so different? Perhaps it’s because Ilryth releases me with ease. Perhaps it’s because I know I could tell him to go and hewould. I am free to ask him to leave me be. As is he to ask such of me.
And yet…we both stay. Even when it’s hard, when it’s ugly, when everything within us screamsrun, we stay because we can’t imagine being anywhere else but each other’s side.
“Do you hate me now?” I whisper. My thoughts are for him, and him alone.
“Hate you?” He blinks. “Victoria, Iloveyou.”
“Still? After I lied to you?”
“You were not entirely truthful…but you did not outright lie, not that I recall.” Ilryth smiles slightly and shakes his head. “I only remember ever asking if you were married, presently. Not ever before.”
We’ve shared so many words and moments over the past months that I can’t remember completely if that’s accurate or not…but I choose to believe him. He’s offering me a bridge and I will not burn it.
“Iwantedto tell you,” I admit. “And I was going to. Soon. I swear it to you. I just hadn’t found the right chance.”
Ilryth frowns slightly. “There were plenty of chances.”
“Once I had made the decision to, there weren’t. Before…yes, at least while I had all the memories,” I force myself to admit. “But I was afraid. I wasn’t ready, then.”
“And I respect that.” He dips his chin to meet my eyes. There isn’t a trace of doubt or hesitation. I am completely taken in by his steady gaze, as warm as an embrace. “I do. Though it doesn’t stop me from wishing I had heard the truth from you. Or that you would’ve felt you could’ve been honest with me from the start—that I wouldn’t have pried past what you were ready to share.”
I lean forward, pressing my forehead into the center of his chest. Tiredly, he wraps his arms around my shoulders.
“I wish I were stronger,” I admit.
“You are plenty strong. Strength isn’t all-encompassing, nor without falter.” He presses his lips into my temples, over and over again.
“I’ve never had someone like you,” I confess. “Someone kind, trustworthy,good. I don’t know what I’m doing in a relationship like this.”
“Neither do I. And don’t the old gods know how complicated they’ve made things by bringing us together in the way they have.” He chuckles and his hands slide over my shoulders, up my neck, to cup my cheeks and turn my face up to his. “But I’m trying to navigate this uncharted territory with you. All I know is I am not ready to leave your side.”
“I want to learn how to be better, too, constantly. I can’t change the choices I’ve made…but…” I gather all my strength and look my worst fears and doubts in the eyes as I tilt my head back and meet his. I won’t run from this any longer. “I would like to tell you now, if you’ll listen?”
He nods.
“The debt my family was in was because I sought to nullify my marriage. That night you found me in the ocean…I was trying to get away from him—Charles. I was trying to reclaim my freedom.”
“I see.” Ilryth’s expression becomes stony and more severe. His thumbs continue to stroke the swell of my cheeks in a motion that I can only describe as tender, juxtaposed with the pure murder in his eyes at the implication of Charles’s actions against me. Ilryth manages to keep his voice level when he asks, “Would you be willing to tell me everything from the start?”
The last time we spoke of my history, my memories had been gutted. But now I can paint a full picture for him. I tell him things I’ve already said—of my childhood and my family—in more complete detail. I tell him of my girlish whims, how I thought Charles was mature, handsome. How we ran away and my family accepted but never warmed up to him. He listens with quiet, earnest interest. I admit to the bad times as freely as I describe the good. Hiding nothing is freeing.
When I’m done, Ilryth is quiet for a moment. Then, “Did you love him?”
Of all the questions I expected Ilryth to ask, that wasn’t among them. I dare a look over to him. It’s as if he was waiting for my eyes to meet his again. He holds my gaze steadily.
